FROM THE DESK OF: Kaz Hirai
ATTN: Ken Kutaragi

To whom it may concern,

Actually, this just concerns you, Ken. After arranging several meetings, internal polls and Aibo races, we've determined that your recent performance with regards to the PLAYSTATION 3 has been less than satisfactory. It's nothing personal, but we feel it's a fair comment to make given your actions behind the wheel of our Blu-ray vehicle. You've hit a concrete barrier, rolled over a cliff and even run over some pedestrians. I'm not really sure where this metaphor's going (it's running out of gas, you might say), but the general feeling I'm trying to convey is WRONG. BAD. UNHAPPY.

So, we're kicking you down a couple of notches in the business. I'm going to need you to write me a full sales report and have it on my desk by tomorrow. We don't have any tracking infrastructure in place yet, so I'm going to need you to manually count every PLAYSTATION 3 system sold.

FROM THE POORLY LIT WORKSTATION OF: Ken Kutaragi
ATTN: Kaz Hirai

To whom it may concern,

I have intensely calculated the sales numbers you requested:

- DS Lite: 201,378 72,757 (56.57%)
- PLAYSTATION 3: 32,662 9,437 (22.42%) (Ken's note: Only the second smallest percentage decrease! The system is clearly a success!)
- PSP: 30,815 14,125 (84.63%)
- PS2: 26,263 11,195 (74.30%)
- Xbox 360: 7,007 2,957 (73.01%)
- GBA SP: 1,26465 (5.42%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,235 198 (19.09%)
- Gamecube: 576 62 (12.06%)
- DS Phat: 212 30 (16.48%)
- GBA: 27 3 (10.00%)
- Xbox: 0 6 (100.00%)

[Source: Media Create]

See also: Previous Japanese hardware sales charts

Can I have my old job back, now?

FROM THE DESK OF: Kaz Hirai
ATTN: Ken Kutaragi

To whom it may concern,

No.

FROM THE POORLY LIT WORKSTATION OF: Ken Kutaragi
ATTN: Kaz Hirai

To whom it may concern (jerk),

This is completely unfair. The PLAYSTATION 3 has been a resounding success. It's been consistently selling out and I have yet to see our "competitors" match its flawless design. This job you have relegated me to is degrading and could be done with but ONE of the CELL SPEs inside the PLAYSTATION 3. That's how powerful it is! Why, if I were a PLAYSTATION 3, I could calculate the sales numbers for every country in the world simultaneously and render a pie chart in four dimensions.

I could connect to the internets, link to other corporate executives and run sale simulations that encompass every planet in the known universe. If I used all my SPEs, I could travel back in time at a 120FPS at the wink of an eye. Of course, I wouldn't need eyes, because the power would allow to see the very matter of existence on an atomic scale. In HD. And not some shitty HD, I mean true, 1080p.

You are a fool to demote me.

FROM THE DESK OF: Kaz Hirai
ATTN: Ken Kutaragi

To whom it may concern,

Ken. YOU THINK YOU ARE A PLAYSTATION 3.

I'm not sure there's much more to be said.

FROM THE POORLY LIT WORKSTATION OF: Ken Kutaragi
ATTN: Ken Kutaragi

To whom it may concern,

By my calculations, every person in the world will have enough jobs collectively to be able to afford a PLAYSTATION 3, by 2008. This statistic is irrefutable and will restore my reputation and the faith of the shareholders. Where you see launch delays, I see expanding anticipation. Where you see Blu-ray diode shortages, I see rarity and exclusivity! It is a pity that your mind is too narrow to accomodate these concepts. This was the perfect launch.

FROM THE DESK OF: Kaz Hirai
ATTN: Ken Kutaragi

To whom it may concern,

I'm trying to keep this impersonal, Ken, but you are making things a bit more difficult than I am accustomed to. Also, I didn't get your last memo, because apparently YOU SENT IT TO YOURSELF.

You're also embarrassing yourself. You made a few mistakes with this console -- just accept it. The great games will be there eventually.

FROM THE POORLY LIT WORKSTATION OF: Ken Kutaragi
ATTN: Kaz Hirai

Oh, I'm embarrassing myself, am I? Need I remind you of your favorite game? I think it's called Riiiiidge Racer.

And it's a computer, not a console. There's a difference.

This article was originally published on Joystiq.

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