See also: for him, for her, for son, for daughter, for dad, for mom, for colleague.
$0 - $100Nike+iPod Sport kit - There's no way to insinuate that someone should get off their ass and get running than by giving them this gem. Even if they don't really have a weight problem, this should have them double checking that belt in no time, and to someone's who already quite aware of your ill will towards them, receiving this should elicit feelings of rage, depression, and hopelessness -- which is precisely what we're going for here.
$29 - Buy from Apple
Exploding Hello Kitty Doll - You know that evil, rude, and arrogant "lady friend" of yours that has an awkward obsession with Hello Kitty? Make sure the doll you pick up for that dame is one of the recalled variety, sporting the potentially explosive heatable disc that's sure to cause quite a ruckus sometime in the New Year, or whenever it decides to actually let loose its lava-like contents.
Around $50 - Try to bribe Takara to send you a recalled version
Nyko Intercooler - If your most despised foe just so happens to snag an Xbox 360 over the holiday break, make sure you're just two steps behind giving him / her tips on "extending its life." Read up on the propaganda supporting that oh-so-awful "heating issue," and encourage him / her to take your gift as one of protection from the dreaded "red ring." When it goes up in smoke anyway, resort to ignorance.
$14.99 - Buy from NewEgg
A&A Alcowatch - Killing two birds with one stone is always the best approach to gift giving, and what better way to insult your enemy than by giving him / her this piece of rubbish? For starters, the design of this timepiece is sure to discourage interaction with whomever happens to be donning it, and secondly, the inclusion of a breathalyzer should make him / her feel rather conscious of their alcohol intake, whether or not they really do have a problem. For an extra devilish approach, mention that you've already
Inquire for pricing - Buy from A&A
Usually available through your local cable provider.
Notable mention: Wiimote with old / broken strap
$101 - $250Trackstick GPS Data Logger - No one said you had to "give" the gift to your most hated enemy. In reality, surreptitiously placing this tiny GPS tracker on their car, boat, plane, or zeppelin is practically the same thing as delivering it in a box with a festive bow. Wait 5 to 7 days while it tracks every movement they make in its 1MB of memory then retrieve the unit and download the history in RTF, XLS, HTML or Google Earth formats.
$249.99 - Buy from ThinkGeek (batteries not included)
Phantom Lapboard - When it comes to enemies, our preferred strategy is to provide the hope of reconciliation while we continue on our quest to crush their spirit. At this price point, nothing will achieve that like a preorder for the aptly named Phantom Lapboard. Considering the company's spotty track record when it comes to shipping products -- any products -- you can count on your foe dreaming of convenient wireless gaming from his couch while you silently watch in anticipation of the inevitable continuing delays the Phantom brand has become synonymous with.
$129.95 - Buy at Phantom Store
URBAN TOOL grooveRider iPod Shirt - Because what you really want for the holidays is to see the person you hate most dancing like an idiot and fondling themselves in public. Once thought to be the type of entertainment that money couldn't possibly buy, URBAN TOOL has proven us wrong yet again with this grooveRider iPod shirt complete with pocket for your iPod, nano or mini and "smart fabric" controls. URBAN TOOL indeed.
$198 (AUD) - Buy from URBAN TOOL
Notable mention: KRZR (If your enemy is an LG executive)
$251 - $500
$300 - Shop for Core system
$270 - Buy JVC GR-D350E
$250 and up - Shop for THUMP PRO
$501 - $1000
Prices vary by model. Try Craigslist or eBay.
Prices vary, but spending over $500 makes this gift a lot funnier.
Prices and models vary.
$1001+RFID implant surgery - When your arch nemesis unwraps that funny looking little capsule next week and, after a lengthy and convincing argument from you, agrees to go under the knife to have it implanted subcutaneously, they'll do so under the pretense of making life easier -- controlling home automation devices, automatically unlocking doors, signing into computers, and so on. What you don't reveal, of course, is that you actually intend to use your enemy's newfound bionic accessory to track their every move (cue evil laugh).
Price varies (surgery ain't cheap) - Inquire with VeriChip
Fujitsu Deskpower EK30T - This is what your enemy gets for failing to specify what kind of all-in-one system they wanted: a shockingly hideous, underpowered monstrosity of a PC that looks as though it came to us from 1995 through a tear in the space-time continuum. Though we guess the Vista Capable certification and support for up to 2GB of DDR2 RAM are swell features, the 1.46GHz Celeron processor is a joke -- a joke on the poor recipient, that is.
¥129,799 (about $1,100) - Buy from Sofmap
$4995 and up - Find a local dealer