"I must have one of those Arby's subs."
And with that, Griffin and I begin our live blog. Hello everyone, it's Justin McElroy, and for the next two hours my brother and I will be your guides for "Samuel L. Jackson No-So-Subtly Judges Everyone in the Room," or, as it's being advertised, "The Spike 2007 Video Game Awards."
The live blog begins after the break. Come, join us. [20:59] griffinjoystiq: That woman is naked.
[20:59] griffinjoystiq: She's on the TV and she's naked.
[21:04] JustinAtTheVGAs: They really are just naked girls
[21:04] JustinAtTheVGAs: Right?
[21:04] griffinjoystiq: Yes? I think?
[21:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: The not-so-subtle parade of insults begins.
[21:05] griffinjoystiq: I'm glad my girlfriend isn't here.
[21:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: Would she totally see your rod?
[21:05] griffinjoystiq: Indubidably.
[21:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: Dear Sam: Mario has been weird for two decades.
Kristen Bell wins something for being in Assassin's Creed
[21:06] griffinjoystiq: OMG HEIDI AND SPENCER
[21:06] griffinjoystiq: I thought they broke up.
[21:06] griffinjoystiq: I'm pretty sure they broke up.
[21:07] JustinAtTheVGAs: You're ruining the liveblog.
[21:07] griffinjoystiq: Look at how pissed off Heidi looks at Spencer.
Rainbow 6 Vegas 2 Premiere
[21:08] griffinjoystiq: Not to sound like a feminist, but have they done anything but objectify half of the people on the planet so far?
[21:08] JustinAtTheVGAs: I'm going to set Criss Angel on fire with my heart.
[21:09] griffinjoystiq: It looks like he stole those clothes from a hobo, who stole those clothes from a poorer hobo.
[21:09] griffinjoystiq: There's a rainbow six vegas two coming out?
[21:09] JustinAtTheVGAs: It's ubisoft.
[21:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: That was really informative.
[21:10] griffinjoystiq: Wow, I learned something I actually didn't know about on this thing. I'm pleasantly surprised.
[21:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: Just a bunch of people having fun and some limited fighting.
[21:11] griffinjoystiq: Secret gamestop ad attack!
[21:11] JustinAtTheVGAs: But hey, I like that tagline. If you're betting, (something something) stand on six. OK, commercial (beer) break. BRB.
Best game based on a movie or TV show
[21:16] JustinAtTheVGAs: Dave Navarro has never played a movie based game.
[21:17] griffinjoystiq: Video games and movies make a good match? Go straight to hell, Navarro.
[21:17] JustinAtTheVGAs: Straight. To. Hell.
[21:17] JustinAtTheVGAs: And the winner is ...
[21:17] griffinjoystiq: N/A
[21:18] JustinAtTheVGAs: I'd give it to stranglehold.
[21:18] JustinAtTheVGAs: But it goes to the Simpson's Game. C'est la vie.
[21:18] griffinjoystiq: Picking the best movie based game is like picking the least retarded show pony.
[21:21] griffinjoystiq: Are the guys in Foo Fighters having a beard-growing competition? Even that stand up bass player has a bit of scruff, and she's a petite lady.
[21:23] JustinAtTheVGAs: Every guy in the audience looks like he just wants one special glance from Dave Grohl. Or maybe they just don't want him to beat them up.
Commercials Pt. 1
[21:24] JustinAtTheVGAs: Hey, in the interim, I'd like to point out that the stage (sort of an arcade cabinet homage) is really, really cool.
[21:26] griffinjoystiq: Seriously, they just showed an ad for one of their shows to everyone in the audience? Can you imagine if CBS interrupted the Oscars to advertise Two and a Half Men?
[21:26] griffinjoystiq: Yes, the stage is pretty cool.
[21:27] JustinAtTheVGAs: Can I admit that I think the GameStop ad with the sensitive convo between player and monster is actually pretty funny?
Afro Samurai trailer
[21:31] JustinAtTheVGAs: Samuel L. Jackson presents the trailer for HIS video game. Yeah, he's making it. In the same sense that George Foreman invents grills.
[21:31] JustinAtTheVGAs: Side note. We're 31 minutes in and we're getting our first appearance of a Mad TV cast member.
[21:32] griffinjoystiq: And, funnily enough, Afro Samurai airs on, you guessed it, Spike TV.
Best team sports game
[21:32] griffinjoystiq: I must say that, so far, the Spike TV VGA's are the most meta of all the awards shows.
[21:32] JustinAtTheVGAs: Look, the screen looks like a YouTube video! Like on the internet.
[21:33] JustinAtTheVGAs: I think the winner in this category HAS to be the Blitz game from two years ago.
[21:33] griffinjoystiq: Ugh, Madden.
[21:33] griffinjoystiq: Where was The Bigs?
[21:34] JustinAtTheVGAs: And where were that girl's nipples? Pastie'd.
[21:34] griffinjoystiq: The 2007 Griffin McElroy Sports Game of the Year award goes to The Bigs, for what it's worth, 2K.
Chingy presents: A History of Gran Turismo (and a new GT5 trailer)
[21:35] griffinjoystiq: NERRBODY INN THEEE ROOM GETTIN' VIDEO GAME AWARDS
[21:35] griffinjoystiq: Oh, this GT5 trailer was pretty hyped up.
[21:36] JustinAtTheVGAs: It looked good, but strangely unrealistic. Does that make sense?
[21:36] JustinAtTheVGAs: Kind of plasticky?
[21:36] griffinjoystiq: Yeah man. Apparently, cars are capable of driving into the uncanny valley.
Commercials Pt. 2
[21:37] griffinjoystiq: Is there not enough product placement in the content of the show that they actually have to add segments like that verizon wireless gaming sales pitch?
[21:38] JustinAtTheVGAs: Do you think girls take their clothes of, put pasties on their nipples and paint themselves for free?
[21:39] JustinAtTheVGAs: (If they're not on Flavor of Love, natch.)
[21:39] griffinjoystiq: Do you understand what I'm saying? This show is about the best things on a market, it's basically telling you what is worth buying. It's a huge commercial. Why do they need to keep dropping obvious advertisements between awards?
[21:40] griffinjoystiq: I feel like I've been watching commercials for 41 minutes. Is the show about to start?
[21:40] JustinAtTheVGAs: Do you feel like Samuel L. Jackson is judging you?
[21:41] griffinjoystiq: I feel like every time he puts his hand in his pocket, he gives sensual rubdowns to the huge check Spike TV wrote him. I think it's the only way he's getting through the show.
Stan Lee presents an Iron Man trailer
[21:42] griffinjoystiq: I don't think the presenters know that people who play video games don't spontaneously yell "DAMN I LOVE VIDEO GAMES".
[21:42] JustinAtTheVGAs: I do.
[21:42] JustinAtTheVGAs: Ooooh, first gen Iron Man costume.
[21:43] JustinAtTheVGAs: Actual Robert Downey Jr. voice too.
[21:43] griffinjoystiq: I eat Arby's all the time, but I don't walk around screaming "MMMM DAMN ARBYS IS GOOD"
[21:43] griffinjoystiq: Iron Man looked amazing, against all odds.
[21:43] JustinAtTheVGAs: "Tony, you're not a soldier."
[21:44] JustinAtTheVGAs: "You're right, I'm an army." Nice.
Ralphie May and Best Individual Sports game
[21:44] griffinjoystiq: He's a "really big" game fan? Do I even touch that one?
[21:45] JustinAtTheVGAs: Ralphie May's so fat that I want to slit his wrist and drink the herb-butter that gushes from his veins.
[21:45] griffinjoystiq: When he cries, rolls from Outback Steakhouse fall out.
[21:46] griffinjoystiq: Predictions for best individual sports game?
[21:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: The last individual sport Ralphie May played was "try not to have a heart attack while walking up stairs."
[21:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: Skate seems to have fared well in reviews.
[21:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: And I win.
[21:46] griffinjoystiq: I give this one to The Bigs as well.
TNA Impact trailer
[21:48] griffinjoystiq: Is that Lex Luthor?
[21:49] JustinAtTheVGAs: I'm afraid that the WWE has used up all my not caring about wrestling.
[21:49] JustinAtTheVGAs: Side note: This looks like utter trash.
[21:49] griffinjoystiq: Can a professional wrestling game really be heralded as "the most realistic fighting game ever?"
Tila Tequila is on TV
[21:50] JustinAtTheVGAs: Oh, and now Tila Tequila is on TV.
[21:50] griffinjoystiq: Side note: If Tila doesn't pick Dani, she's an idiot.
[21:51] JustinAtTheVGAs: This is a nightmare.
[21:51] JustinAtTheVGAs: Oh, and she's presenting the the awards that were too umimportant to be shown on the VGAs. HOW INCREDIBLY APPROPRIATE.
[21:52] griffinjoystiq: Wow, a rapid fire segment about most of the awards. I thought awards were usually the most important part of awards shows.
[21:52] griffinjoystiq: I don't know, I'm not some kind of awards scientist.
Commercials Pt. 3
[21:53] griffinjoystiq: How excited are you for I Am Legend?
[21:53] griffinjoystiq: I'm about as excited as one person can be for a movie.
[21:53] JustinAtTheVGAs: Have you read the book yet? You really should.
[21:53] griffinjoystiq: I'm completely illiterate. You know that.
[21:54] griffinjoystiq: Thanks for bringing that out for our readers.
[21:54] griffinjoystiq: Ass hat.
[21:54] JustinAtTheVGAs: Spoiler alert: At the end, he raps and boogies with monsters.
[21:54] griffinjoystiq: Double Spoiler Alert: He's not alone. DJ Jazzy Jeff shows up!
Brian Posehn makes his obligatory appearance/Studio of the Year
[21:56] griffinjoystiq: Did they not pay Samuel L. enough to stand up?
[21:56] griffinjoystiq: Thank God, Posehn is actually pretty funny.
[21:57] JustinAtTheVGAs: And this is a nerd related event, so the Constitution says he has to be there.
[21:58] griffinjoystiq: Has there ever been an event where him and Patton Oswalt didn't appear together?
[21:58] JustinAtTheVGAs: Studio of the Year!
[21:59] griffinjoystiq: 2K Boston/Australia, please.
[21:59] griffinjoystiq: Oooh, Valve is good too.
[21:59] JustinAtTheVGAs: Wait, if all of these studios have made one game this year, isn't this just the same as game of the year?
[21:59] griffinjoystiq: Touche.
[21:59] JustinAtTheVGAs: What other criteria is there? Haircuts?
[22:00] JustinAtTheVGAs: I guess the guys from Harmonix are nice enough. Good for them.
[22:00] griffinjoystiq: Courtney Love is designing games now?
[22:01] JustinAtTheVGAs: All the Harmonix people are playing a monster drum fill! I'm SO ROCKED.
Kid Rock is there
[22:01] griffinjoystiq: God, how awesome would it have been if Tia Carrera busted out Rock Band and did Ballroom Blitz?
[22:01] griffinjoystiq: That would have been worth the price of admission, broseph.
[22:02] JustinAtTheVGAs: So, apparently Kid Rock is there.
[22:03] JustinAtTheVGAs: My wife just said that she bets he doesn't know where he is. Truer words have never been spoken.
[22:03] griffinjoystiq: Am I the only one who thinks his mic stand it up too high? He looks like a little kid singing his solo during the Christmas Pageant.
[22:04] JustinAtTheVGAs: If you're not good with subtext, let me explain this song to you: Kid Rock has a wiener and he knows how to use it.
[22:04] griffinjoystiq: SLOW RIDE ALERT
[22:04] griffinjoystiq: SLOW RIDE ALERT
[22:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: He just made the unprecedented misogyny into Fog Hat leap.
[22:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: Did Kid Rock misjudge his audience with that one or what?
[22:06] griffinjoystiq: It's not that big a leap. You know what they're slow riding on? The Oppressing Women Wagon.
Commercials Pt. 4
[22:06] griffinjoystiq: At least it's halfway over.
[22:07] JustinAtTheVGAs: So, how are you feeling so far?
[22:08] griffinjoystiq: Despondent.
[22:08] JustinAtTheVGAs: I feel like they're getting closer to getting the proper tone, like I'm not cringing as much. But it's also not about video games at all.
[22:08] griffinjoystiq: Despondent/Horny.
[22:08] griffinjoystiq: Okay, just horny.
[22:09] griffinjoystiq: Yeah, I agree. Last year, it was all hip-hop artists and supermodels.
[22:09] griffinjoystiq: This year, it's Kid Rock, and girls who look like they rolled out of some sort of primordial skank ooze.
[22:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: I could solve this problem for them.
[22:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: You know what I like, Spike? VIDEO GAMES.
[22:11] griffinjoystiq: I love how there's an above the influence ad when there's been at least two references to smoking pot during the show.
[22:11] griffinjoystiq: I love this, because I am very high right now.
Patton Oswalt/Most Addictive Video Game
[22:12] griffinjoystiq: Take me home, Patton.
[22:12] griffinjoystiq: YES!
[22:12] griffinjoystiq: Patton gets the confirmed first LOL of the evening.
[22:13] JustinAtTheVGAs: I need to totally start wearing adult diapers. Shawn Elliot calls that "poop socking."
[22:14] JustinAtTheVGAs: The most addictive game this year is Desktop Tower Defense, btw.
[22:14] griffinjoystiq: Grandma calls it life.
[22:14] griffinjoystiq: Agreed.
[22:14] griffinjoystiq: How do you feel -- about frost towers?
[22:14] JustinAtTheVGAs: We can't get into this here.
[22:14] griffinjoystiq: Okay.
[22:15] griffinjoystiq: (I'm for 'em.)
[22:15] JustinAtTheVGAs: Halo 3 wins! And they didn't show that girl's head.
[22:15] JustinAtTheVGAs: just her tum tum
[22:15] griffinjoystiq: As it should be.
[22:16] JustinAtTheVGAs: Bungie Labs Red v. Blue clip is really funny. Also, there's a preview of the new Halo 3 maps coming tomorrow.
[22:16] griffinjoystiq: Who plays that anymore?
[22:17] griffinjoystiq: Give me new maps for Desktop Tower Defense.
Kristen Bell is excited about Borderlands
[22:18] JustinAtTheVGAs: Kristen Bell is here to save the world.
[22:18] griffinjoystiq: Are people allowed to say JT's name in a public forum anymore?
[22:18] griffinjoystiq: I'm a huge supporter of Kristen Bell, but I don't buy that she's ever played a video game.
[22:18] JustinAtTheVGAs: Kristen is excited about Borderlands! She is!
[22:19] JustinAtTheVGAs: This looks Mass effect.
[22:20] griffinjoystiq: Lost Mass Effect Planet and the Temple of Bioshock.
Video Games Live
[22:21] griffinjoystiq: I couldn't be more down with what's going on right now.
[22:21] JustinAtTheVGAs: Video Games Live, finally. Tommy Tallarico is having his "The Closest I'll Ever Be to a Rockstar" moment. Let's not ruin it for him.
[22:21] griffinjoystiq: So that's Tommy Tallarico? I've never seen him before.
[22:22] JustinAtTheVGAs: I think so. I'm just going to watch this now. BRB.
[22:23] JustinAtTheVGAs: I wish this had been 2 hours of that.
[22:24] griffinjoystiq: Agreed. If the rest of the show was about video games as much as that three minute performance was, we'd be in good shape.
Commercials Pt. 5
[22:24] griffinjoystiq: I use the collective "we", as in, game consumers.
[22:24] griffinjoystiq: Do you think anyone sees this and goes, "Oh, so that's what gamers are like."
[22:25] JustinAtTheVGAs: In other video game news: I'm fairly sure this guy in the stride commercials is the lead from FMV classic Wirehead.
[22:25] griffinjoystiq: Wirehead Ned?
[22:25] griffinjoystiq: That game was impossible.
[22:26] griffinjoystiq: Do you think the network execs at Spike TV are like "Okay guys, if the people watching our channel don't see boobies every three minutes, they'll go into an epileptic fit."
Why yes, that is Don King/Best Rhythm Game
[22:28] griffinjoystiq: I want to eat the cotton candy that is hiding on top of that glorious man's head.
[22:29] JustinAtTheVGAs: Don King seems cofused by each individual syllable he's saying.
[22:29] JustinAtTheVGAs: Oh, and can I just say "Fart jokes? FINALLY."
[22:30] griffinjoystiq: Really. Scantily clad ladies, mountain dew ads, and farts. The loneliness trifecta is complete.
[22:30] JustinAtTheVGAs: Rock Band wins. No one is surprised.
[22:30] griffinjoystiq: Courtney Love is on stage again.
[22:31] JustinAtTheVGAs: Wait, is it best soundtrack, or best rhythm game?
[22:31] griffinjoystiq: She looks like she's played a few too many rounds of Jagermeister Hero tonight.
[22:31] griffinjoystiq: Is he drinking a beer ... in the middle of his acceptance speech?
Foo Fighters Pt. 2
[22:33] griffinjoystiq: Can I just say that, aside from a brief Kid Rock-Foghat songtastrophe, the musical performances have been the high point of this Awards Showmercial?
[22:34] JustinAtTheVGAs: A good point. I'd like to make one now. If you had told me just one short week ago that I would ever watch 3/4 of the VGAs, I would have kicked you in your personal ball sack.
[22:34] griffinjoystiq: Ready to soldier on?
[22:34] JustinAtTheVGAs: Let's hit it.
Commercials Pt. 6
[22:35] griffinjoystiq: Morgan Freeman and Justin Timberlake, starring in a movie together? Yes please.
[22:36] JustinAtTheVGAs: They were looking for a project they could work on after "Griffin's Sex Dreams"
[22:36] griffinjoystiq: You mean March of the Boners?
[22:36] griffinjoystiq: "There's more coming up, flying at you like a Medusa head in Castlevania."
[22:36] JustinAtTheVGAs: Yeah, the announcer needs to be murdered. By which I mean fired.
[22:39] griffinjoystiq: Considering they blew through most of the awards in the rapid-fire segment, what do we have left?
[22:40] JustinAtTheVGAs: BioShock needs to win GotY.
[22:40] griffinjoystiq: Oh yeah. At least we know that gives the show a bit of credibility.
[22:40] JustinAtTheVGAs: Well, our own Chris Grant was one of the panelists.
[22:41] JustinAtTheVGAs: Forever tainting his immortal soul.
[22:41] griffinjoystiq: Really? That kid really knows his stuff.
[22:41] griffinjoystiq: Did they name a flavor of Mountain Dew after him in return?
Best Shooter Game
[22:41] JustinAtTheVGAs: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A LOT OF WAR GAMES ARE SET IN WWII.!>!>!
[22:41] griffinjoystiq: LOLOLOLILLILILLL FART
[22:43] griffinjoystiq: I wish the award for Best Shooter Game was "Griffin's Shooting Adventure," because that would mean that game was real, and I'd have a gun, with which I could kill myself right now.
[22:43] JustinAtTheVGAs: So, BioShock is Game of the Year, but not the best shooter.
[22:43] JustinAtTheVGAs: Sweet. That said, Call of Duty 4 is incredible.
[22:44] griffinjoystiq: Exactly. Driving Miss Daisy won film of the year, but not the Interracial driving movie of the year.
[22:44] JustinAtTheVGAs: "A savage science experience gone wrong!"
[22:44] JustinAtTheVGAs: Shut up.
[22:46] griffinjoystiq: That promo for prototype looked sweet. It's nice to see Sierra isn't getting swept under the rug with the ActiBlizzion merger.
[22:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: In the biz, we call that a "Sizzle trailer." After seeing all that pre-alpha action, I can't wait for Prototype to be dated and delayed.
[22:46] griffinjoystiq: Pessimist.
Commercials Pt. 7
[22:46] griffinjoystiq: I was about to give up, until I heard that orchestral Zelda theme.
[22:47] JustinAtTheVGAs: I've never been prouder to be your brother.
[22:48] griffinjoystiq: Don't tell our readers that. I love all the "WHO IS GRIFFIN MCELROY DID JUSTIN CHANGE HIS NAME" comments I've been getting
[22:48] griffinjoystiq: Plus, I don't want them to think nepotism runs rampant through Joystiq.
[22:48] griffinjoystiq: I want them to think I slept my way to the top.
[22:49] JustinAtTheVGAs: TEN MINUTES LEFT!
[22:49] griffinjoystiq: I haven't seen boobies in a while. That's pretty unsettling.
[22:49] JustinAtTheVGAs: SSSIEIEIIIIZZZINNNG!
Little Big Planet trailer
[22:50] griffinjoystiq: Again, gamer's don't wear shirts on them that say "gamer."
[22:51] JustinAtTheVGAs: Those TV stars are REAL GAMERZ. That one guy has a shirt that says "gamer." which says to me: "gamer."
[22:51] griffinjoystiq: Child molesters don't wear shirts that say "molester."
[22:51] griffinjoystiq: Go Team FTW!
[22:52] griffinjoystiq: Oh LittleBigPlanet. You are going to make me buy a PS3 and I hate you for it.
[22:53] JustinAtTheVGAs: What a terrible commerical. I'm excited by it, but your typical VGA viewer is thinking "How high/drunk/lonely am I?"
[22:54] griffinjoystiq: I think the majority opinion at Joystiq is that Portal should have been nominated for GOTY, not Orange Box.
[22:54] griffinjoystiq: Opinion on Mass Effect?
[22:54] griffinjoystiq: I was disappointed, personally.
[22:54] JustinAtTheVGAs: Did someone at Spike confuse Hayden Christensen with someone who didn't butcher the character of Darth Vader?
[22:55] griffinjoystiq: Bioshock is my GOTY.
[22:55] griffinjoystiq: It's my Game of My Life.
[22:55] JustinAtTheVGAs: You know, if I had to pick a single experience, it would be between BioShock and Portal.
[22:55] griffinjoystiq: Agreed.
[22:55] JustinAtTheVGAs: BioShock would likely win out.
[22:55] JustinAtTheVGAs: Have VGL do the music for these is genius.
[22:55] griffinjoystiq: If Portal was a tad more substantial, I would have picked it.
[22:56] griffinjoystiq: Can I just say that I never would have thought Bioshock would beat Halo 3 for this award?
[22:56] griffinjoystiq: Are those Gamecocks?
[22:57] griffinjoystiq: I wish that Big Daddy would start drilling through everyone in the room, and then come to my apartment, and drill through me.
[22:57] JustinAtTheVGAs: Yes, and they just Wu Tanged Ken Levine.
[22:58] griffinjoystiq: Well, I think the Oscars could take a number of pointers from the VGAs.
[22:58] JustinAtTheVGAs: Oh yeah?
[22:58] griffinjoystiq: First off, hire presenters who don't know anything about what the awards show is about. For instance, hobos.
[22:59] griffinjoystiq: All hobo presenters would be a major improvement.
[22:59] JustinAtTheVGAs: I think they're moving in the right direction. The exclusive trailers are a really good step.
[22:59] griffinjoystiq: I'm not done.
[22:59] JustinAtTheVGAs: Please, continue.
[23:00] griffinjoystiq: Paint the names of award winners on ladies. There's no reason not to.
[23:01] griffinjoystiq: Also, have every third presenter fart into the microphone. Considering your presenters will be hobos (if you've followed my instructions so far), this shouldn't be too hard.
[23:01] griffinjoystiq: OH SHIT IT'S STARTING AGAIN
[23:01] JustinAtTheVGAs: Well, let's sign off before it's too late.
[23:01] griffinjoystiq: Wanna liveblog it again?
[23:01] JustinAtTheVGAs: Die in a fire.
[23:01] griffinjoystiq: Pussy.