I have fond memories of your mother -- yes, all of your mothers. Up until now, I've kept those memories separate from Wii Fanboy, mostly out of professional courtesy. After seeing how most of you ignored Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure, however, I have thrown civility out the window. The gloves are off now, and good riddance, as it'd be difficult to type about the games that remind me of your mom while wearing those restrictive mittens.
Link's Crossbow Training
Hey, guess what? Link's Crossbow Training reminds me of your mom. Much like Link's Crossbow Training, your mom is a great value (and a bundle of fun), but I was still hoping my twenty bucks would purchase a more satisfying experience.
Star Trek: Conquest
Your momma is so Star Trek: Conquest (and obese), when she sits around the starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D, she really sits around the starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D.
For your reference, the Galaxy-class Federation starship is approximately 2,108 feet long, 1,532 feet wide, and 451 feet tall. Your mother would have to be considerably much larger than those dimensions to settle herself around the 24th century vessel.
The probe we've launched estimates your mother's size at roughly three-and-a-half Romulan D'deridex-class warbirds (3,417 ft. x 2,534 ft. x 937 ft. each), comparable to Deimos, one of Mars' two moons. Please see Figure 1-2 above for comparison.
Dancing with the Stars
If I seem excessively harsh in my comments about your mother, it's only because we ended our friendship on a bad note. I'm sure she never told you this, but we were once dance partners -- I was her Johnny, and she was my Baby. We were magic on the dance floor. Things turned sour, though, and she left shortly after discovering that I was seeing someone else's mother on the side. It was my fault, really, as I should've known better than to cheat a friend.
"I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm"
guilty feet have got no rhythm"
Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition
Never one to pass on easy money, Capcom has put out Resident Evil 4 on the GameCube, PlayStation 2, and Wii in the past several years, adding new features with each iteration to improve on the classic. So, what is it about RE4's release over three consoles that reminds me of the woman who birthed and raised you? Well, as I'm sure you'll agree, your mother is once, twice, three timeeeesssss a lady.
Despite her shortcomings, like a fine wine, your mom has only improved with age.
LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga
To be honest, your mother isn't anything like LEGO Star Wars, but I just wanted to put it on record that I did have sex with her many years ago, and I believe that I might be your father.
This last bit isn't actually a joke. In fact, I've been thinking for some time now about how to break this news to you; this article is what I came up with. Yes, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I totally boned your mom.
So, here we are, face to face, the truth on the table. This probably isn't how you pictured us finally meeting, is it? I'm ready to take responsibility and accept you as my child, but what I need to know is, will you ever be able to forgive me? Will you ever be able to call me your dad?
Well, uh, mull over that life-changing revelation for a bit. In the meantime, we have a neat poll for you to vote on which game reminds me most of your mom.
Bonus: The Dirty Half-Dozens
My wife was kind enough to offer a few suggestions while I brainstormed ideas for this article. Using my mother as her inspiration, she came up with six more Wii games (from 2006-2007) that are comparable to my mom.
- Manhunt 2: "More like the hunt for the guy who gave her scabies."
- Carnival Games: "Your momma is a carny ... small hands ... stinks of cabbage."
- MLB Power Pros: "MLB? Is that an acronym for how your Momma Lays Back like a power pro? I heard she never stops at third base."
- Trauma Center: Second Opinion: "Your momma went to the doctor for a tonsillectomy and asked for a second opinion. He suggested lipo and a face lift."
- Excite Truck: "Your momma gets excited every time she sees the Twinkie truck pull in at Super America."
- Endless Ocean: "Every time I look into your momma's deep cerulean eyes, it's like I'm staring into an endless ocean (Also, your momma is a whale.)."