2008's Biggest Blips: Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword

Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Tecmo
Release: March

There is a certain DS title on the horizon: Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword. As a person who enjoys the finer things in life, like the silent "fwip" of a poisoned dart hitting your enemy's throat or the grace of emerging from the shadows to slice your enemy's stomach, spilling his intestines onto the bamboo floor beneath you, this game is likely the focal point of your life right now. Your only reason for accessing DS Fanboy on any kind of regular basis is only in the hopes that there will be new Ninja Gaiden news.

If none of this rings true to you, then perhaps some personal reflection is in order. Have you perhaps considered you are not a ninja, nor are you fascinated with the world's most efficient killer? Should this be the case, we have a surefire way to make sure you let in the unimaginable power to dispatch the living and accept the Ninja as the world's most awesome thing ever, all in a matter of days.

First of all, we have to list the givens:
  • You must quit your job
  • Leave your loved ones, making sure only to take one internet-accessing device (so you can read the rest of this, unless you want to use a pen and paper like some jerk), one bowl of rice and your DS
  • Make your way to the mountains of Tibet
Okay, now you're in Tibet. First thing you need to do is throw out the bowl of rice. Ninja don't get hungry; hunger fears the power of the ninja. The ninja sustains its life through the destruction of its enemies. It feeds on the perfection of silently killing its target and making its way off into the night.

Next, you need to hook it up with Google maps and search for your local video rental store. Actually, there aren't that many in Tibet, so head back to your residence (maybe you should have just written this all down or printed it out?). Look up a Hollywood Video or a Blockbuster and go in. Find the nearest employee and ask them to point you toward the Ninja section. If they don't have a Ninja section, pull out your DS and use it to smack that unhelpful person in the face. Then, ask them to point you toward American Ninja.

Once face-to-case with the film, you'll have little time before the cops show up. You won't be able to take them on now at this point in your training, so grab everything that says American Ninja on it and duck out of the door. Once out of the store, put your heels to the pavement and run as fast as you can back to your family.

As you arrive at your former home, take care to enter as silently as possible. Your former spouse may have found someone new in the period since your departure and your training may need to be accelerated. Your primary goal is to find your VCR or DVD player, extract it and abscond to somewhere safe so that you may view these films.



Now is the time to absorb this material and carefully study each and every film in the American Ninja franchise you were able to make off with. You must watch them and emulate every single one of Dudikoff's moves, with your DS's stylus firmly gripped in hand. And only after learning from the master may you attempt your next task: securing your copy of Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword.

By this time in your ninja career, it is now March and the release of Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword is quickly approaching. It would have to be before you could realistically master the skills of Michael Dudikoff. And now is your true test, as you must leave your dojo in the hunt for Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword.



Now is the time for real-world practice, as seen in the video above.

It is here that your true skills will be put to the test. You have trained hard and you have been faced with many trials. You will have to make your way into a convenient retail location, procure the DS title, pay off the cashier and return to your sanctuary. It is a difficult task. We wish you luck.

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This article was originally published on Joystiq.