2008's Biggest Blips: Professor Layton and the Curious Village

Developer: Level-5
Publisher: Nintendo
Release: February 10

If you weren't interested in Professor Layton from the get-go, there's a good chance that we've brainwashed you into thinking otherwise by now. With a beautiful art style, charming story, and challenging puzzles, how can you go wrong? This alluring adventure title has clearly won the hearts of many Japanese gamers, and there's a good chance that it will win yours over, too.

Solving a mystery and finding hidden treasures aren't simple tasks, though. During the game, you'll have to navigate your way through countless (if you can't count past 130, that is) puzzles, many of which will make you flex your brain muscles. Perhaps you're not up to the challenge.

We're trying to be nice here – what we really mean is, perhaps you're just too stupid to handle the puzzles that Layton will throw at you. Why waste your money on a game of crème brulee caliber when all you really deserve is a pixy stick?

Of course, since you're reading DS Fanboy right now, we can bet that you're probably MENSA material. That means we think you're ready to take on Professor Layton. Just in case, though, we've created a guide of ten ways to know that you're too dumb for Level-5's acclaimed adventure game. If any of these idiocies apply to you, you probably shouldn't be playing what will probably be one of the best games of 2008.

1. You live in a sideways house

There are some poor decisions that you can make in life, but living in a sideways house is probably one of the worst. It's not funny – it's dangerous.

2. You like to eat cats

It's no secret that those of us on the DS Fanboy staff love cats. We mostly enjoy the LOL kind, but members of the cute and regular variety are accepted around these parts as well. We don't love them enough to eat them, though. That's just wrong. And stupid. If you feel the need to feast on your feline, stay away from Professor Layton. Might we recommend Catz?

3. You need a dog to help you solve crimes

Man's best friend can be smart and helpful, but if a dog is smarter than you – that's when you know you're in trouble. Specifically, if a dog can trick you into accidentally hook-shotting a ham sandwich straight into its mouth, you shouldn't be solving crimes. There won't be a canine cop to help you out in Layton, so it's imperative that you haven't grown to depend on one.

4. You don't run away from pedophile horses

If there's one thing we've learned from our mothers, it's to stay away from horses wearing trench coats. They're just up to no good. Everyone knows what happens to girls and boys who aren't careful around such ponies ...

5. You are Carl Lewis

The bits with the old lady wearing the giant clown glasses in a hot tub say it all, don't you think?

6. You hire robots to do your chores

It may seem like a smart idea, but if you haven't learned your lesson about trusting robots from the Terminator movies yet, we really can't help you. You're clearly just too stupid.

7. You cut off your nipples, cast them in resin, and wear them in your ears

We're pretty sure evolution/God/other didn't put nipples in our ears for a reason. Why would you ever think that it'd be a good idea to do such a thing? Besides, how are you supposed to hear the voiced animated scenes in the game if you have nipples plugging up your ear canals?

8. You wear (or have worn) a head massager

If you can't solve the "what's the stupidest thing I could possible wear on my head" puzzle, how do you think you'll solve any of the puzzles in Professor Layton? Simple answer: you won't.

9. You don't read DS Fanboy

Let's face it. Some of the staff members at DS Fanboy aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree, or the sharpest tools in the shed, or whatever euphemistic metaphor you feel like using for calling them stupid. None of that changes the fact that DS Fanboy is a haven for those of us with unprecedented wit and talent. Also, reading this right now proves that condition #9 doesn't apply to you, so fear not -- you just may be smart enough for this game.

10. You don't love pugs

If your soul is so crusty and hardened that you can't find it in your heart to love pugs (or at least like them a little bit), Layton's cute visuals have no chance of charming you.

Where do you stand?
Did you manage to pass DS Fanboy's rigorous stupidity challenge? If so, then congratulations! Professor Layton is clearly the game for you. You're already well on your way to solving the mysteries left behind by Baron Augustus Reinhold (spoiler: no relation to Judge Reinhold).

If not, we're sorry. Perhaps by the time Professor Layton's sequel is localized, you'll have wised up.


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This article was originally published on Joystiq.