[Best Buy's John] Beck said that he showed Long a variety of machines, however he was not really interested in the products that Apple had. "He said that he's got a few of them at home, but doesn't really use them much. He said that you can't really get any good games for them and that he doesn't like the mouse since it only has one button. He also said that his started crashing a lot ever since he got the latest updates for iTunes."
Leaving aside the question of whether a Hollywood actor is clever enough to grok the Mighty Mouse's right-click capability or using Boot Camp for gaming, it just so happens that all the instances of this story lead back to this Joking Around blog post. Joking Around, which provides amusing fake news ("Making up the news -- because real news is boring!"), is not an actual news source. TUAW giggled at the "Closet PC User" story (although the one about Apple patenting the click is funnier) but in truth we have no idea what platform Mr. Long computes on. It's his business whether he is in fact a PC user or not -- and we think it best to let such personal secrets remain behind closed doors.
[Actually, we're pretty sure he uses a Mac -- but it's still his business]
Thanks to everyone who sent this in.