The Digital Continuum: My only problem with Free Realms, part 2

Race of Bruces

Bruce Campbell has consistently displayed the essence of being a 100%, all-around bad-a** dude in his many film and television performances. Whether as Ash proudly displaying his boom stick for all to see, or as Autolycus showing Hercules how a real man gets the ladies, this Bruce never falters. Even to this day he continues to prove himself a powerfully overwhelming presence on Burn Notice as Sam -- watch out Jeffrey Donovan.

Campbell (in any of his various famed roles) would be my prime avatar choice for prospective players to mine, deliver mail and fight cute goblins in Free Realms.

Second pick -- but in no way no less manly -- is Bruce Lee. Have you see the face of this late great martial arts master when he roundhouse kicks a human being across the silver screen? Not only does Lee exemplify a pure aura of masculinity, he actually manifests it in a form of pure physical prowess more than capable of breaking any of us in two. Definitely another easy pick.

Finally we come to all-around action hero Bruce Willis, who may have aged since his most celebrated films, but has done so in a truly manful manner. He's easily in the top five men around the world who can properly rock the bald look while simultaneously maintaining his burly composure.

I propose that all three of these man-gods be converged into a 'race of Bruces' for players looking for that complete macho experience can choose in lieu of faeries or regular people.

When is too much, too much?

We have arrived at the last race, which given their sheer level of manliness, may not be a good idea to implement. Simply put: because I fear it could create so much masculinity in one place that an event known as a Kevin Bacon singularity could occur. This is when inescapable levels manvity coalesce into something that, not even light, may break free from.

What could contain such high concentration of element macho that it would pose this threat?

Muscled bacon made men, who posses copious amounts of styled hair in various places on their massively built bodies. Some sport imperial mustaches while others proudly display their thick coats of fur emblazoned across their chests by wearing fancy pirate shirts missing most of their buttons.

Could the inclusion of hair-laden muscled bacon men bring forth an unknowable, yet massive catastrophe upon the world of Free Realms? That is my fear, yes. Sometimes... just sometimes, too much manliness is a bad thing. Hersey, I know -- but altogether truth. SOE could implement them, but they'd be running the risk of destroying our entire solar system in the process.

So that's my list of obviously plausible additional races for SOE's wonderfully fun-looking (and fast approaching) Free Realms. I know implementing them will be a challenge, but I believe it could be done with the proper amount of weight lifting and chest bumping during the design and development of the new race.

Alternatively, bringing on Bruce Campbell on as a consultant would be a wise choice as well. Plus, having him do a commercial endorsement is the perfect way to get the word out that Free Realms just became the grooviest place online, baby.
This article was originally published on Massively.