Even the ESRB is disgusted with Dead or Alive Paradise [update]

You're welcome to enjoy your own private paradise in the palm of your hand with Tecmo's Dead or Alive Paradise. Just be aware that some people find the game's content a bit creepy. Including the person who wrote the content description for the ESRB.

"This is a video game in which users watch grown women dressed in G-string bikinis jiggle their breasts while on a two-week vacation," the ESRB description reads. "Women's breasts and butts will sway while playing volleyball, while hopping across cushions, while pole dancing, while posing on the ground, by the pool, on the beach, in front of the camera."

We could quote this whole thing (and we will, after the break), but we really wanted to call your attention to this part: "Parents and consumers should know that the game contains a fair amount of "cheesy," and at times, creepy voyeurism," the ESRB notes with the most open disapproval we've ever seen in one of these things. It continues, "but the game also contains bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want (if given two weeks, paid vacation, island resort)-Paradise cannot mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs." This is the most entertaining ESRB rating ever. Why isn't whoever writes these things ever this upset about graphic violence?

[Update: The ESRB has informed us that a new version, without the "subjective language," has been uploaded to the ratings board's site.]

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"This is a video game in which users watch grown women dressed in G-string bikinis jiggle their breasts while on a two-week vacation. Women's breasts and butts will sway while playing volleyball, while hopping across cushions, while pole dancing, while posing on the ground, by the pool, on the beach, in front of the camera. There are other activities: Users can gamble inside a casino to win credits for shopping; they can purchase bathing suits, sunglasses, hats, clothing at an island shop; they can "gift" these items to eight other women in hopes of winning their friendship, in hopes of playing more volleyball. And as relationships blossom from the gift-giving and volleyball, users may get closer to the women, having earned their trust and confidence: users will then be prompted to zoom-in on their friends' nearly-naked bodies, snap dozens of photos, and view them in the hotel later that night. Parents and consumers should know that the game contains a fair amount of "cheesy," and at times, creepy voyeurism-especially when users have complete rotate-pan-zoom control; but the game also contains bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want (if given two weeks, paid vacation, island resort)-Paradise cannot mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs."

This article was originally published on Joystiq.