Anti-Aliased: Why play a game when I can pay someone to play it for me

Great news, everyone! I'm launching my own line of Sera (TM) Branded Merchandise! I was so happy about this new line that I just had to talk about it in Anti-Aliased this week. I'm sorry if you were expecting some hard hitting piece of satire that would flummox even the staunchest defender of gold buying -- we're gonna have to save that one for next week's piece.

Anyway, I'm sorry about getting off topic. Let's get back to the situation at hand -- the new merchandise. I'm proud to announce that in a short period of time, you too will be able to participate in a revolutionary new way to interact with entertainment media. My brand new Sera Shoppe (TM), a fine retail establishment that already sells the patented Sera Anti-Whine Earmuffs, will be selling you ways to save time while still enjoying your favorite media.

By purchasing pre-made packs of SeraPhoints (starting at the low price of 500 Phoints for 10 bucks) you too can get in on the ground floor of this brand new medium inspired by power leveling services and real money trade operations.

Interested? You should be! Follow me after the break and let me introduce you to my brand new services!

The BookSaver


Perplexed by William Gibson's meandering descriptions? Confused by J.R.R. Tolkien's love of music-less songs? Don't want to be caught dead reading Twilight? Or perhaps you want to cut to the chase and get straight to the good stuff?

"That way you can still feel fulfilled by reading the ending without having to endure the repetitive act of turning pages again and again."

Worry no more, dear readers! With my new BookSaver service, you can cut down on your reading time and still get the ending you deserve! For a mere 500 SeraPhoints, I'll be happy to take any book in your collection and run it across my table saw, destroying the bindings and removing every single chapter of the book except the last one. That way you can still feel fulfilled by reading the ending without having to endure the repetitive act of turning pages again and again.

Of course, you will have to buy the book separately and then send it to me via UPS first class mail. The Sera Shoppe (TM) does not cover shipping costs in the purchase price, we only cover the service provided. It's up to you to pay that 20 bucks shipping and handling so the book in question can get to us and get back in a reasonable amount of time.

The PopcornCruncher

Tired of sitting in a movie theater for two and a half hours, squinting at a ginormous screen while surrounded by complete strangers? Don't you wish you could do something better with your time, rather than being trapped inside a dark room with sticky floors and questionable sanitary practices? Then do I have the service for you!

The Sera Shoppe (TM) has partnered up with some of the leading names in the movie business to provide you with our PopcornCruncher service! For the pathetic amount of 1,000 SeraPhoints on top of your standard ticket purchase price, we'll tell you when to arrive at the movie theater so you can catch the last five minutes of the movie in question. That way you can still see exactly what happens to all of those meaningless characters so you can start discussions at the office with all of the relevant spoilers.

If your requested film is available on DVD and not in theaters, we'll send you a pre-programmed DVD that only contains the last five minutes of the movie! Pop it in, stare blankly for five minutes, and you'll be good to go with all of the relevant storyline information!

The LifeEnder

Life sucks, doesn't it? It's just full of meaningless tasks, petty arguments, creepy taxidermy experts, and canned Spam. That's harsh.

But no worries! The Sera Shoppe (TM) has hired on a staff of trained ninjas who are ready to kill you at a moment's notice! For the minisciule amount of 10,000 SeraPhoints, you can find out what happens at the end of life right now! Here's how to order...

This article was originally published on Massively.