Do you find there aren't enough hours in the day to sing Apple's praises to the fullest? Does your list of deities begin with Steve and end with Mr. Jobs? If so, you'll want to make your way to your nearest Apple Store nice and quickly. That most reliable source of news before they happen, The Onion, reports Apple is about to open up a Friend Bar, where folks with AppleCare warranties and an unhealthy devotion to The Fruit can spout off about anything to employees trained to handle their inanity. Genius Bar productivity is said to have skyrocketed since the introduction of the new Friend staff, but don't take our word for it, skip past the break to see the 100 percent genuine news report in full.