Hyperspace Beacon: We hope this never makes it into SWTOR, but, knowing our luck, it probably will

The Hyperspace Beacon is a weekly guide and discussion by Larry Everett about the yet-to-be-released game Star Wars: The Old Republic.

In a world where speculation runs rampant, it seems everyone has his own ideas of what is going to be in Star Wars: The Old Republic. From swoop races to appearance tabs, we have heard them all, but, to be quite frank, it is very unlikely that most of these speculated items will ever make it into the final release of this highly anticipated game. Also, some of the ideas are so far removed from anything that would make sense in the game, that I have a hard time wrapping my wee-little brain around them. I won't name any here because I still want people to read the column, but if your friend's head twitches when you tell him your wicked-cool idea, then it probably will not make it in the game.

In this week's column, I want to go the other direction. Sometimes producers, writers, and game designers will pitch ideas that cause uncontrollable ticks for the listeners, but, for some unknown reason, the design launches anyway. Every once in a while, I would like to turn our attention to some of these kooky concepts in series I like to call: We hope this never makes it into SWTOR, but, knowing our luck, it probably will -- or WHTNMIISWTORBKOLIPW, for short.

Click "Read more" to read about the first couple of things I am praying do not find their way into the game.

What are these?
Cupid wings, or Kyoopid wings as they are spelled in SWG, were introduced in a desperate attempt to be fun and whimsical in a game that seemed to be reaching for new subscribers. Although the Ewok Festival of Love was introduced before Chris "Dotantuki" Field became producer of Galaxies, he is the one credited with this unified community groan. These wings attach to your character's back and are visible to every other player around you. The only redeeming quality to the wearable is the wings do not flap when you walk or jump.

Why we don't want these
There was a time in SWG's history when it seems that everyone forgot SWG was a Star Wars game. The Cupid wings were released about the same era as the Zombies landed in the Quarantine Zone on Dathomir, and when Wookiee Life Day seemed more about Christmas than anything else that actually existed in the Star Wars timeline. While the players were desperately trying to hold on to anything that held a semblance of the universe they loved, the developers seemed to do anything and everything to pull them away from what made this franchise great.

How these will be implemented
But knowing our luck, a BioWare producer will be stone-cold drunk in a bar one day -- maybe around Valentine's Day -- and, while trying to impress some hot Star Wars fan, will place an urgent call to a designer. I can just imagine how that call will go: "Frank, yes, this is your producer, Bill. No, my speech is not slurred. I was just talking to this genius of a Star Wars fan, Becky -- er, Bonnie -- and she explained to me exactly what has been missing from The Old Republic: wearable Gundark wings. Yes, yes, I know Gundarks don't have wings, but fans don't know that. It will be a lot of fun. Put them in now before we release in April. Cool, thanks [click]. So... Bec -- Bonnie, impressed yet?"


What are these?
If you don't know what Ewoks are, I suggest you watch Return of the Jedi again and smack yourself in the head every time a little bear creature makes its appearance. Yes, those are Ewoks, but that doesn't exactly explain what they are in terms of the Star Wars franchise. The Ewoks were George Lucas' first steps into the delusion that he was making a kids' film. OK, granted; I was a kid when I first watched and fell in love with Star Wars. I also have to admit that I liked Ewoks as a kid, but I do have to ask, as an adult: Why did we suddenly step into a child's franchise after two incredible movies that were obviously not geared for youth?

Why we don't want these
As I mentioned above, Ewoks were added to spark "kid-appeal." Does a video game really need more kid appeal? Our world is already infested with children who spend more time indoors glued to a TV or computer than swinging in the playground. Not that I'm downing videogames at all -- I think they help develop hand-eye coordination and critical thinking -- but what I am saying is that the "kid-appeal" is already there by default. We do not need to force anymore.

The second reason we don't want Ewoks is because they defeated the Emperor's elite soldiers. Seriously? Sticks and stones beat blasters and armor? I will have to remember that next time I play Rock, Paper, Laser Gun: Rock beats all. The whole thing just did not make logical sense. I may have been seven when Return of the Jedi was released, but even I was wondering how in the world a bunch of teddy bears took out an army of bad guys.

How these will be implemented
But knowing our luck, a LucasArts content designer for the trooper class, after watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail, will want to create a white-rabbit moment for our elite Havoc Squad. The trooper's Jedi companion, Arthur, will travel to the forest moon of Endor in search of cup of Awdrysta Pina, which has been known to allow you to live longer than Master Vandar. When the pair stumble upon the cave of the mighty Gorax, they notice a small, white teddy bear at the cave's entrance. Arthur asks the trooper to investigate. As the trooper inches his way to the small, fluffy creature, suddenly, the animal springs to life, attaching itself to the hapless trooper's helmet, then proceeds to RIP HIS !@~$#!@ FACE OFF!!

But what can you do?
We all have wild and crazy ideas sometimes. I don't fault any creative concocter with the occasional hair-brained idea. But I hope someone with some sort of influence at BioWare reads this and future articles about what not to put in our beloved game, then pleads this case to the creators-that-be.

For some added fun, what funny things have you seen pop up in Star Wars lore, Star Wars games, or other MMOs that you do NOT wish to see in SWTOR?
This article was originally published on Massively.