No, no, not Nancy Kerrigan-esque lead pipe handicapping (though we may wish we had that kind of power by the time all is said and done). No, we're laying down odds on The Tester's second season cast members, who will fight to continue the legacy of first season champ Will "Cyrus" Powers and take a job as a QA tester at PlayStation.
The contestants have apparently chosen to ignore the desperate, Morse-coded messages Cyrus continually taps out on the desk he's chained to at Sony; begging for either sustenance or the sweet release of death.
So ... let's get started, shall we?
Note: We're basing all analysis on the cast profiles here, many of which we've barely skimmed. So, really, we're basing it on their names and faces. Sorry in advance.
Mickey says in his video he wants to make people feel "a little awkward, yet comfortable," so we know he leaves jobs half-finished. Not a good sign.
The way the games industry works, we'll probably end up meeting Fazeek at PAX or E3 or something, and he looks like he could kick the ever-loving shit out of us. So ... umm ... we're pulling for you, big guy!
Ches-ka's real name is Francesca Bologna, so we're penalizing her for not choosing Frankie Baloney as her handle. Sorry Ches-ka Frankie B.
FantasyGirl has a "passion for drawing and graphic design," a passion she's apparently trying to have forcibly beat from her by getting hired to play the the first half of the third level of Jak and Daxter 7 roughly 170 times per day.
Man, Gaymer took the strict instructions to "choose a handle that reflects the gender/social quota you've been hired to fill" and just ran with it, didn't he? Also, he claims he stayed up all night playing The Getaway, so we know he's willing to say ANYTHING to get the job.
Honestly, will you just look at the guy? Of course he's going to win! The only way our buddy Max1m could lose is if he gets bored of all those nerds, tells them he's got a windsurfing competition in Cabo he can't miss and hang glides out the window. Hell, he could probably do that and still win.
Okay, sorry Max1m, but we picked you before we met Mo Chocolate, so we've had to preemptively proclaim him the statistical winner of The Tester Season 2. All apologies, but look at that smile! We've gone years without feeling the state of bliss Mo Chocolate is transported to via the simple act of having his picture taken by an intern for a fake reality show. He's already won.
Samurai is a dedicated gamer who has a Platinum Trophy in Demon's Souls. Clearly he has no business being on The Tester.
With our poor odds, we're intentionally trying to frustrate Mr. Spector so he'll quit the show and finish Epic Mickey. Sorry Warren, but it's for your own good.
We didn't have anything funny to write about War Princess, so we decided to use this space to tell you that "Scooter" is not, in fact, Warren Spector, but rather 26-year-old Levi Kovalik. We're ruining our hilarious Warren Spector gag so we can relay that Mr. Kovalik lists Jim Carrey as "my hero in everything I do." Really.
We're assuming her handle is (in keeping with policy) a reference to the fact that she (1) is a girl, (2) has pink hair and (3) can't spell. Three demographics in one!
Final thoughts: Well, we've put our predictions out there, but there's only one sure way to find out who'll emerge victorious and that's to watch the second season of The Tester yourself when it kicks off on PSN!
... That or, you know, wait a few minutes and forget it exists. Either way.