1. Jawa Jedi
Until the game launches -- and probably past even then -- I'll be holding out hope that BioWare sees the light and makes Jawas a playable race. It makes a lot of sense: Jawas are very popular in the Star Wars community, they fill the requirement of a "short" race, and there really is nothing more goosebump-raising than the thought of a Jawa wielding a lightsaber. Besides, what are the Jawas' main attributes? They're scavengers and crafters. What a coincidence -- so are most MMO players!
Jawa life, foo!
2. Sarlacc flashpoint
Everyone who watched Return of the Jedi always wondered just what was down in that Sarlacc pit. What would keep someone alive for a thousand years of pain and suffering? And is there a raid boss at the end of it?
I predict that BioWare will make a Sarlacc flashpoint into one of the game's crown jewels. Players will leap off a skiff barge into its waiting orifice, hacking and shooting their way down into the literal belly of the beast. It would probably be time-limited: If the team can't beat the flashpoint within an hour, the Sarlacc will consume them and their characters will be locked for the next thousand years.
3. Non-Force users will be discriminated against
The Old Republic will eventually become a case study for cyber-discrimination between the "haves" and the "have nots" of the Force. Those who have a high midi-chlorian count will be treated as royalty in the game, benefiting from increased loot drops and overpowered PvP abilities. The Smugglers, Bounty Hunters, Imperial Agents and Troopers will be forced to eat a steady diet of vendor trash, long queues, and demeaning slurs.
Eventually, the discrimination will be so bad that Force users will clamor -- and receive -- their own premium server where the filth of the Non-Forcies will be kept from their sight.
4. Time travel cameos
Just because The Old Republic
is set a few thousand years before the movies doesn't mean that BioWare can't cash in on a little nostalgia. This is science fiction, after all, so don't be surprised if you're exploring a planet and you discover a modified YT-1300 that's crash-landed on the surface. Try to act nonchalant as the roguish pilot and his hairy companion ask for your help to send them back... to the future! Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get to lock lips with him as a reward, choosing the conversation option for "I love you!" only to hear "I know" in return.
5. By 2015, everyone will call new MMOs "TOR clones"
The Old Republic
will not only be a crushing success and revitalize the subscription model -- it's my column, I can't hear you, la la la -- but as it becomes the most-recognized MMO on the planet, every subsequent game will be judged against it and labeled as a clone of it. Plus, let's face it: "TOR
clone" sounds so much cooler than "WoW
6. Nobody will spell "Wookiee" right and it'll drive hardcore fans mad
To tell you the truth, I'm not 100% sure I spelled Wookiee right in that title there. Is it one "e" or two? Should the "k" be doubled as well so it doesn't feel left out?
In any case, the militant Star Wars fans in general chat will leap all over the poor souls who dare desecrate this strong, proud race from Kay... Kaskyk... Kashyyk... crud, how many times do I have to use "y" in Kashyyyk? Three? Are you joking?
7. Companions will unionize
In Update 3, BioWare will add a controversial feature that allows companions to form a union in protest to being left on the ship crafting all the time. While this is meant to encourage players to give equal attention to all of their traveling buddies, the unions will quickly backfire and start making unreasonable demands, such as time off from the game and unnecessary pit stops to pleasure planets, even if the player is in the middle of an important mission.
8. TOR will be the first MMO to cause guild breakups over dialogue choices
"Dammit, Kev, I thought we all agreed to be gruff and aggressive with this prisoner!"
"Sorry Jim, but it's just not what my character would say."
"What would your character say if he were threatened with a /gkick, hm?"
"He'd say... let's see... 'Up yours with a Bantha stick.' Sweet, +2 Light side points for that."
9. Chuck Norris jokes will be replaced with Wedge Antilles facts
10. To celebrate the game's 10th anniversary, George Lucas will release a "special edition" of TOR
Wedge Antilles isn't invincible. Invincibility means being Wedge Antilles.
Wedge Antilles and Darth Vader once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to be a mouth-breather for the next 10 years.
When Jabba the Hutt goes to sleep every night, he checks his Rancor pit for Wedge Antilles.
Luke wanted to know the ways of the Force. The Force wanted to know the ways of Wedge Antilles.
Gravity is space's way of trying to keep Wedge Antilles away from it.
And it will suck, because none of your characters will be allowed to attack unless the enemy shoots first.
Justin "Syp" Olivetti enjoys counting up to ten, a feat that he considers the apex of his career. If you'd like to learn how to count as well, check out The Perfect Ten. You can contact him via email at firstname.lastname@example.org or through his gaming blog, Bio Break.