final rating

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purchased on
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Criteria Comments Rating
  • Reception and call quality No comments
  • Display No comments
  • Battery life No comments
  • Camera No comments
  • Ease of use No comments
  • Design and form factor No comments
  • Portability (size / weight) No comments
  • Media support No comments
  • Durability No comments
  • Ecosystem (apps, accessories, etc.) No comments
Detailed review
I guess I'll start by talking about the phone part of it, because apparently some people still call other people. So... you dial... and it rings... and for you, no one picks up, but for me, someone picks up on the other end. When they talk, I can hear them. When I talk, they can hear me. Nothing too interesting here. It's a phone, and it works very well.

Next is the keyboard. It feels like you’re typing on god’s magical six pack: Tactile, just the right size, 26 letters of the alphabet. What more could you want? Picture this: It's two in the morning and you have had a shit ton to drink. You can barely walk but you need some Kraft Dinner, stat. So what are you going to do? Go home and cook it for yourself? Hell no. You're going to text/pin/email/carrier pigeon your woman (in your case, your mom) and tell them to get on it. Don't call them and wake the whole house you inconsiderate ass. This is where the magnificent keyboard comes in handy. You'd be screwed with a touch screen. You can barely walk, how the hell are you going to focus on a touch screen? So instead, thanks to the great tactility of the keyboard, you get out the message "I newed some fracking kreaft dinmner" and Kraft Dinner is at home waiting for you. All thanks to your 9700 blackberry.

The trackpad. Oh yes. Greatest move in the history of moves. That clit ball thing they had before broke more often than your 1995 Pontiac Sunfire. I don't know how the new trackpad could every break. All your doing it continually groping it. Nothing breaks when you do that.

Most recently, the blackberry has become a big hit with people who want to pretend they didn't get THAT email. Let me explain: It's Saturday and you're on call. Problem is, you're super hung over from the night before. You get an email saying something is down and you need to go into the office and fix it. "Whoop, i think blackberry internet is down, and didn't get that email". Problem solved, because it’s totally believeable. Blackberry servers have gone down more than me and your mom (oh snap). All thanks to your 9700 blackberry (well, and RIM).

The form factor of the blackberry is one of the biggest reasons I chose this over the iFaghone. I don’t like the idea of holding up a toaster to my ear. The blackberry is small, and light. But heavy enough to peg someone in the back of the head with, if the need arises (and it will, people will be jealous of your new blackberry). Also, it's not as fat as the previous bold. I like something that can actually fit in my pocket, and doesn't look like a tumor.

Do you want to know about the browser? Wrong, you do not. It sucks. But thankfully there exists a solution. Opera Mini. That is all.

And probably lastly (I’m getting tired of this review), is the screen. It’s not so shocking when you first turn on the device, but when I watched a video I purchased from the pirate bay, my pants flew off in excitement and disbelief. The screen has the same pixels as your gay friend’s iPhone! Holy shit right? You’re probably thinking, “How is that even possible? It’s smaller!”. My answer: shut up and go buy the blackberry. Google’s answer: Same number of pixels, but the bb has higher density. Honestly, I love watching videos on the thing. Decent audio quality as well.

So to sum up, reasons to buy this phone:
-Because you need to support Canadian companies. When we take over the world, we will spare you.
-You hate the iPhone and every starbuck loving retard that has one.
-I said so.
-Because it has that alert light thing at the top and you get excited when it goes off.
-it won’t break when you drop it.
-you can install whatever you want on it. You don't need permission from some guy in California.

Reasons not to buy this phone:
-It might not have a big developer community for all those sweet games like "iFart".
-You are a wimp.
-The browser sucks. You’d rather browser the web on that old windows 95 computer your cat peed on.
-All your friends have the iPhone and you’ll feel excluded for some reason.