Let the hive mind of Engadget get that for you.
"I'm in the market for a new phone and money isn't a limitation. I'm also not partial to any particular US carrier, but here are some of the features I'd like to have: WiFi, GPS, good coverage in lots of places, push Gmail (a must!), physical keyboard (a must!), a touchscreen, decent battery life and a relatively slim body. And please, nothing that has a fruit logo on it. No offense to the fruit fans, though. Thanks!"
I smiled a little during the map-thing, but the rest was just... Ugh.
Seriously though, this is exactly what the people who tried to be funny in my 3rd Form English class (Year 10 - everyone was age 13-14) came up with during drama. It wasn't funny then either... Maybe I just don't get American humour, who knows... All I seem to be able to enjoy is South Park (well, and Flight of the Conchords obviously, but their British radio show was better =P).