My thanks to the Taco Bell manager for sharing these tips with the author; some good "secret" insider tips we probably should have known to begin with! If everyone read this, we could speed up the line 10 percent at least.

I was in the Army with John Hancock and Andrew Jackson; they were both in my company (but not my platoon). 732nd MI (now it's the 715th).

All of us with the last name Newman. Yes, I know. Hello. Hillarious. Hello. Thanks, Jerry.

I would enter, but I'm the one giving the weird gifts. Fine, I'll enter as a way to say sorry.

1) Sorry to my wife: I saw a funny gorrilla doll that reminded me of me, and I thought she'd see that right away and I wrapped it up and gave it to her one year. She looked at it like, "Huh?" I said, "Doesn't that look just like me!?!" and she said, "Oh. Um, yeah, that's funny." Bless her, she hasn't had the heart to chuck it out.

2) Sorry to Grandma Esther: When I discovered she was wearing a wig, I used my own allowance money to buy her one of those white styrofoam "wig stands" that looks like a head. Which probably embarrassed her, but she said she loved it.

3) Sorry to my dad, who has had a terrible problem with kidney stones, which doctors initially blamed on too much dairy; he loved ice cream. Of course, unthinkingly, I bought him a do-it-yourself ice cream maker. It has, to my knowledge, never been removed from the box.

4) And for my wife (same wife as in apology Number 1, believe it or not): She had complained that she was getting fat, and I said she was my sweet, cute, adorable kitty. But she said, "No, really? You don't think I'm too fat?" and I said "No way!" but when December came around several months later, I remembered her concern about her weight and bought her a diet book and a gym pass.

Just so you know how sweet she is, I'm unharmed and still married.

I'm glad it's a satire to help point out the problems of overconsumption and undernourished people. I was getting ready to propose edible artists.

There's a mitten industry?

As a politician, he's quitting DWTS to spend more time with his family...

Good. Maybe the lady will feel safer. I mean, I like me some porn but this isn't porn, it's a terrifying violation, and I have refused to view it, and will continue to refuse to view it, and, as a man, hope other men will do the same. Best wishes to EA.

They're two different sports, and there's room for both. They're more similar than Hockey and Football are to each other, but they're not the same as far as how you train, who will be successful or even who is going to watch. I don't think boxing fans are going to suddenly up and walk out of a bout to go watch MMA. At least, I'm hopeful that won't be the case.

That takes courage; I don't know if every man would have honored that promise. Condolences, and kudos, too.