onion
Latest
Six gifts for your paranoid friends and family
It pays to be paranoid in a time of rampant breaches, social media account extortion, identity theft, fake security products, ransomware, and hack attacks on all. That's why we've put together a gift guide for those among us who don't want to find out they have a security issue the hard way. Typically that would include things like VPN subscriptions or password manager recommendations, but that's no fun when it comes time for everyone to open their presents. That's why we've selected six sweet gadgets that'll protect the privacy and security of those you care about. Carefully screened to keep out the "security snake oil" products flooding the gadget market, our picks have been selected with a keen eye on things that actually work to fight attacks that actually happen.
The Dark Web may be smaller, pervier than previously thought
Last week, two hackers unleashed an automated scanning tool on the the internet's deepest layers, known as the Dark Web. This digital underworld is accessible only through the Tor Network and trafficked largely by hackers and criminals looking to avoid the gaze of law enforcement. Hackers Alejandro Caceres and Amanda Towler set their website vulnerability scanning tool, PunkSPIDER, loose on the Dark Web in an effort to improve the semi-anonymizing network's security but made a surprising discovery: the Dark Web may not be nearly as large as experts estimate.
Onion releases iPad app, The Onion Tablet
It's not an April Fool's joke -- the Onion really has released an iPad app, called The Onion Tablet. The company has had a few apps out already on the iPhone (and recently combined them into one), but this is the first time the hilarious fake news organization has appeared on the iPad. It's a pretty straightforward affair, allowing you to read and browse the latest and greatest from the humor newspaper of record, with a nice clean interface, and all of the content from the website available right there in iPad app form. The only complaint so far seems to be the ads -- there's one right in your face when the app opens up that sticks around for what's said to be longer than it should. But that's not too big a deal, considering the app is completely free anyway. If you're a frequent Onion reader, it's probably one you'll want to pick up for your iPad or iPad 2.
The Onion: Google 'whisper ads' detect keywords in phone calls (video)
Oh man, The Onion really outdid itself this time. Its latest tech parody takes on ad-supported phones from Google meant to drive down the device's cost. Funny, because it's true. Users won't even remember a time when they didn't have a second voice whispered in their ear. P.S. The Yahoo dig at the end is classic.
The Onion turns us on to new, better devices
It's smaller, has fewer buttons, and comes saddled with an aspirational price tag. You want it, right? "The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," company spokesman Thomas Wakefield told The Onion -- and we're inclined to agree. After all, the consumer electronics industry isn't just about buying items that will improve your quality of life. No, it's also about pressing your buttons, finding ways to make you feel good about a brand -- whether through totally rad product placement or ample, yet vague, product specs. All in all, we can't say it better than a certain Robert Larson: "The new device brings me satisfaction." And you can't put a price on that, can you? Available soon for $395.
The Onion reveals Modern Warfare 3, most 'realistic' military experience yet
The Onion has the WORLD EXCLUSIVE first details of Modern Warfare 3, which developer Infinity Ward is apparently putting the "final touches on." There's so much scrumptious information in the Onion report, it's almost like the respected media source made the whole thing up. Modern Warfare 3 will blow away its predecessor in the realism department, being the most "true to life" installment of the game ever produced. A "majority" of gameplay will have players hauling equipment, cleaning vehicles, experiencing home sickness and "filling out paperwork." Check out the full report after the break. We're so bummed we weren't invited to the reveal junket, which had journalists sleeping in the Pentagon and being briefed in "the war room" (which actually has a sign: "No Fighting Allowed!").
The Onion takes on Raiding
The Onion, the well-known and consistently hilarious parody news site, has turned its eyes toward World of Warcraft once again. In the past, they have introduced us to geek love in WoW and the World of World of Warcraft, and this time, they introduce us to the world of Raiding via nerd columnist Larry Groznic, who has previously written on his mastery of Quotes from Monty Python's Holy Grail and the merits of Weird Al Yankovic's Wikipedia entry.Larry's rant to an under performing guild member, while somewhat anachronistic (it focuses on a Zul'Aman raid) manages to poke fun at classic raid leader nerd rage, hilariously nonsensical guild names, perennial altoholics, and quite a few other WoW foibles. It may even hit too close to home for some of the people who might recognize some of themselves or others in Larry or his chosen victim. But hey, if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? The Onion's done it again, and it's worth a read.
Huge new Intel processor revealed
Even The Onion knows MIDs just aren't where the action is.
All the World's a Stage: So you want to be a Rogue
This installment of All the World's a Stage is the twenty-second in a series of roleplaying guides in which we find out all the background information you need to roleplay a particular race or class well, without embarrassing yourself. Rogues are the masters of shadows. While two other classes actually use the shadow as a source of magical power, it's the Rogue who can potentially live and breathe the shadow, and make it an essential part of who he or she is what he or she does."The Shadow" as a concept, could mean a number of different things to your character, however -- anything from literal shadows that he or she might disappear in, to underground networks, knowledge of the street, and secret societies few others know about. An advanced rogue might even possess an intimate relationship with "the Shadow" as a mystical force he can wrap around himself in as a kind of cloak, or step through the shadows to appear behind his enemy in a flash.In fact, your rogue may not even use the term "shadow" at all, and may simply think of himself as a simple bandit, thief, pickpocket, detective, scout, special agent, assassin, bank-robber, or even a venture capitalist. In fact, the Rogue class is suitable as a broad catch-all class for a number of seemingly unrelated character types, from a court jester to a penniless tourist.
The Onion spoofs game violence
Satire site The Onion has made its take on video game violence the headlining story today. In a piece entitled "Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence," activist group Parents Against Wii (PAW) is suing Nintendo for $52 million in damages following sissified violence spawned from the Wii remote. Colorful language aside, the article follows pretty accurately the usual template of "violent video game" pieces. Our favorite statistic from the article is "a shocking 200-percent increase in wuss-on-wuss violence." If you happen to be affected when Wii games "use disturbing pastel imagery, graphic representations of adorable characters, and disorienting kaleidoscopes of color," this is a must-read.[Thanks, Caleb]
The Joystiq Weekend: November 17 - 19, 2007
The saddest part of the satire image above (via The Onion) is that they actually manage to match the correct controller with the right game. That's more than we can say about many of the non-satirical articles. Check out the highlights for this weekend:JoystiqueryHappy Birthday PS3: The cake is (not) a lieJapanese hardware sales, Nov. 5 - Nov. 11: Twice in a lifecycle editionMetareview: Mass Effect (Xbox 360)Microsoft's Bach sees no competition for Xbox LiveToday's most hilariously atrocious video: M&M's Kart RacingToday's most vulgar videos: Jam Sessions' instant rockstarWeekly Webcomic Wrapup celebrates Dueling Analogs' 2nd birthdayNewsTime Crisis 4 video shows new FPS mode, unskilled playerYou can kill Uwe Boll in Postal 3Super Mario Galaxy highest rated game of all timeInterview with Rat Race creatorsChain Factor: Addictive Puzzle Game, Numb3rs ARGNew Avatar game awards 1K gamerpoints in 2 minutesCoD4 overtakes Gears of War, Infinity Ward planning updateWatch two new PS3 adsCAG's Black Friday video game dealsWashington Post expects Wii Zapper backlash, too gun-like Ninja Gaiden demo at DS Download Stations, but not in our homesSony cuts PS3 dev kit price in halfMicrosoft aiming for Nintendo's family marketNew games this week: Cornucopia editionHouse of the Dead 2 & 3 Wii-vival official, co-op confirmedWrecking Crew, Sonic 3D Blast, Super Air Zonk on Virtual Console todayMass Effect soundtrack due November 20Halo 3 'Heroic Map Pack' available on Dec. 11Nintendo's making 1.8 million Wiis every monthNintendo Wii celebrates 1st birthdayThis Wednesday: Undertow washes ashore on XBLA island10 free XBLA games for new European Xbox 360 owners and a friendGerman school licenses Crysis engine for courses'Doritos Dash of Destruction' coming to XBLA (unfortunately)Microsoft's Bach sees no competition for Xbox LiveHalo: Contact Harvest lands #3 on NY Times listCodemasters pushed into record year by US salesRock Band rejects PS3's Guitar Hero controllerRumors & Speculation1UP goes for two-fer, hints that Shane Kim is leaving MSCulture & CommunityNY Times compares SimCity Societies, Inconvenient TruthSci vs. Fi: Mass Effect airing TuesdayVideo game anagrams bring joy to our heartsCapcom's Ace Attorney lolcat contest brings the lulzGet out of Zebes! Prime Samus Aran cosplayA heart-wrenching tale about Animal CrossingStudy shows casual gamers interested in Halo 3
Charge an iPod with an onion
I think we somehow missed this at TUAW, but I have no idea how. Just in time for everyone to head home for the holidays (and forget their iPod chargers), here's a quick fix solution to get that battery back up and you back listening to The Cars' Greatest Hits. Household Hacker put this together, and unfortunately they say on the same page that you should not attempt this at home if you're not an expert, but all of you TUAW-reading iPod owners out there are experts, right? If you do try this, don't hurt yourselves or your iPods.How does it work? Beats us-- the electrolytes in the Gatorade might be breaking down the individual cells of the onion, and releasing excess energy as electricity of some kind, but obviously that's just a guess based on my many years of watching Bill Nye, Beakman's World, and more recently, Mythbusters (pop science for the win!).There is one major problem with this plan, however, and that is that as of right now, onions do not properly install updated firmware for any iPods of any generation. Hopefully, Apple will fix this oversight in the next Software Update.
Sousaphone Hero not living up to expectations
Self-proclaimed "America's finest news source" The Onion reports that Activision's latest virtual-instrument title, Sousaphone Hero, isn't selling as well as the company had hoped, despite a $25M development budget, innovative wireless sousaphone controller, and versions available for PS3, 360, and Wii. Complaints range from the title's $345 price tag, repetitive gameplay, lack of non-marching-band music, and unresponsive "oompah" meter, while pro sousaphone players have taken umbrage at the lack of realism in the game. "The fingering's completely different, for starters," according to one sousaphonist The Onion interviewed. The report also says Activision is considering shelving three more planned Hero titles due to the tepid response, including the hotly-anticipated Cymbal Hero. Looks like the golden age of marching bands is truly at an end.[Via Joystiq]
Six years of Segway: the profound effect on the human race
We'll admit, every so often a certain well-constructed spoof just catches you right, and in the case of the always-witty Onion, a perfectly executed mini-newscast covering the "profound effect" of the Segway really demonstrates how much of a non-factor this thing has been. Since the original launch in 2001, a good amount of folks have avoided the two-wheeled human transporter for one reason or another -- you know, things like uncontrollably reversing, it being banned in their country, the astonishingly high pricetag, and the oh-so-critical embarrassment factor -- and the "revolution" that it was supposed to spark has still not lit a flame. Sure, Jackie Chan may have demanded that the cast members on the set of Rush Hour III all get to their places via Segway, but c'mon, we'd surmise that the vast majority of dignified individuals would rather gallop around in a horse hoof alerting hybrid than face public humiliation on one of these things. Regardless of its impact (or glaring lack thereof), be sure to hit the read link if you need a chuckle. [Warning: link contains mild profanity][Thanks, Ben]
The Onion: Man needs two trips to complete GoW
We just received some breaking news from The Onion. They are reporting that Pennsylvania resident Ronald Franks only needs two more trips to Best Buy to complete the Gears of War campaign. Ronald has been bringing his memory card to the retailer for the past three weeks and feels that he can beat the game in a few more trips. Though, he says that when he gets to the final boss he'll "probably take a personal day to defeat RAAM". We wish Mr. Franks the best of luck in his quest to complete Gears and hope his Barnes & Noble copying trips are just as successful. Where would we be without hard hitting news like this?
The Onion takes a stab at the Wii (and PS3)
The Onion, in full-on satiric overdrive, took some stabs at both the Wii and PS3 in a fairly funny side-by-side comparison. Taking the everyman approach to labelling each system's strengths and weaknesses in a full-on 'two systems enter, one system leaves' battle in the Thunderdome, they gauge such aspects as 'special features' and 'the way your peers will view you.' They've got some curse words in there, so we included their observations into the post, past the jump.
Boobs, vibrators, and Hitler make "strangest" list
The Onion A.V. Club has inventoried "11 Of Video Gaming's Strangest Moments" and come up with some real doozies. What other list runs the gamut from facing off with Hitler's disembodied head in a giant robot suit in Wolfenstein 3D to a pre-1UP Jane Pinckard famously facing off with Rez's trance vibrator at Game Girl Advance? Here's the skinny on the strangest: Busting out of Downland Messing up Hitler in Wolfenstein Music videos in Total Distortion Penn and Teller's bus ride in Smoke and Mirrors Elusive topless cage matches in DoA Dying to win in Planescape: Torment Corporate revenge in Adventure, Ultima VII, and Baldur's Gate II Potty-training in Black & White Going loco in Eternal Darkness Rubbing one out with Rez The cornfield prison in Second Life That pique your curiosity? Get the full meal over at the Onion. [Thanks, White Rose Duelist](Update: Capitulated on image selection for the NSFW crowd)
You take my breath (bar) away
The Onion has published a humorous love letter which makes sense to any WoW player, though it has a poignant side. Sometimes it's hard to understand life without WoW -- just as it's hard to decipher the terminology any Azeroth resident is steeped in -- and relationships bridging the chasm can have their problems.Ever tried to convince your other half to see the setting sun in Southshore rather than go out on the town? If your love life is eerily like this, perhaps it's time to reconsider your priorities. However, I know plenty of couples who play together and find it a good way to spend time together -- perhaps you can get your other half interested, though mine is quite happy not sharing this particular hobby.[Via Joystiq]
