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Print reporters: steal this template for your next story on virtual worlds [Update 1]

Vladimir Cole

Dear Print Newspaper reporters stuck writing games stories for a technologically backwards audience that's hopelessly behind the times: please bookmark this page of the Interweb and feel free to borrow this template for your next story on virtual worlds and video games. Just be sure to replace the stuff in brackets with real information, LOL!

By day, [Bobby Joe Everyman] is a [Car Salesman / Farm Equipment Manufacturer Office Manager / insert other low-pay, low-respect, boondocks-economy job here] and a loving [father / husband / 4-H leader / high-school football coach] and member of the National Guard.

By night, [Bobby Joe] dons [mithril armor / cape and spandex / chaps and a ball gag] to do battle against [evildoers / dragons / ravaging rooflecopters and the lagmonster] in a quest to defend his adopted town of [Kelethin / Ogrimmar / Tatooine / Brokeback Mountain] and win the respect of his peers.


[As necessary, insert:]

  1. Golly-Gee Willakers accounting of the time the poor addict spends in this crazy virtual world instead of inseminating his wife, tending to his children, or looking for a job. (Not necessarily in that order.) Be sure to avoid any comparison to other more macho, more deserving hobbies that American males spend countless hours on, such as rebuilding car engines, playing with model train sets, or contracting diseases from hussies that frequent the local watering hole where they tend to spend their evenings after work.
  2. Would-you-believe-it anecdotal evidence showing that certain imbalanced individuals spend hundreds of dollars purchasing virtual property for use in these wacky virtual worlds. It's helpful to suggest that they misappropriated that money from the family bank account and that their children lack food and/or clothing as a result of this parental negligence.
  3. At least 15 mentions of the word "addict." Twenty if your piece will run longer than 600 words.
  4. Ample evidence that the imbalanced individuals who participate in this dirty hobby lack the social skills and social etiquette necessary to lead fulfilling, normal lives.

There you have it! We done wrote your story for you! Please be sure to credit before you hand it off to your clueless editor for mangling.

[Update 1: replaced "actuarial accountant" with a less fancy job.]

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