Extreme Electronic Entertainment Expo Schedule
Monday, July 14:
8:00 a.m. - Doors open. Well, door opens, I guess, since there's only one. I guess I could open up the kitchen window to the fire escape should the traffic become a problem.
9:00 a.m. - Breakfast is served. I've bought three boxes of generic-brand Frosted Flakes and some chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts to cater to all of E4's attendees. No, I don't own any milk, or a toaster. Attendees who request either will be asked to leave immediately.
10:30 a.m. - Opening Address. This year's welcome speech will be delivered by none other than yours truly, in Convention Hall A, otherwise known as my living room. Seating is extremely limited, so make sure you get there early.
11:00 a.m. - "Let's Hang Out". A mandatory session for all attendees, "Let's Hang Out" is an hour-long hang out session with me. We can listen to records, or play some Smash Bros Brawl, or just sit in awkward silence. It's all up to you, as this is one of the expo's most flexible events.
12:00 p.m. - Lunch. I hope you like Peanut Butter & Banana sandwiches and Sprite, because that's what you're getting. Attendees who ask for anything else, or second helpings, will be asked to leave immediately.
1:30 p.m. - Microsoft Press Conference. Gather around my laptop to watch the live streaming video from E3's Microsoft Press Conference. Make mandatory snarky comments about how everyone there wishes they could be at E4, and reminisce about the Jeff Bell era.
3:00 p.m. - Nap.
5:00 p.m. - New Game Expo. Think you're gonna see this year's big games revealed at E3? Think again. E4's got fresh new titles that those E3 developers haven't even dreamed of, like Guess That Apple, Extreme Euchre, Ball Throw, Hats!, The Steel Magnolias Trivia Challenge, and Hats! 2.
7:00 p.m. - Dinner. I think we might just order some pizza, or something. Bring some money, if you want some. Those who try to sneak a slice without contributing will be asked to leave immediately, then prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
8:00 p.m. - The E4 Grand Ball. A mandatory formal dance, held suggestively in Convention Room C, otherwise known as my bedroom. Note that should the cute cashier at Taco Bell not show up, this event my be replaced with an additional session of "Let's Hang Out".
9:00 p.m. - Lights out. My septuagenarian neighbors don't appreciate any noise coming from my apartment once the sun goes down, so the 9:00 curfew will be stringently enforced. The couch in Convention Room A folds out into a futon, so you can crash there if you want, I guess.
Tuesday, July 15:
11:00 a.m. - Brunch. In order to conserve funds, breakfast and lunch will be combined into one magical mid-morning meal. Attendees may choose between Frosted Flakes, chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts, or PB+B with Sprite. Requests for any combination of the three will be swiftly denied, and countered with me asking you to leave immediately.
12:00 p.m. - Nintendo Press Conference. Watch the live stream of Nintendo's E3 press conference. Again, snarky comments about E3's lack of exclusivity will be mandatory. Defamatory statements concerning Reggie Fils-Aime, however, will not be permitted.
1:30 p.m. - Sony Press Conference. See above. The attendee who quotes the most humorous memes from former Sony E3 conferences will win a very special prize -- a pre-release copy of Guess That Apple.
3:00 p.m. - Extended nap.
7:00 p.m. - Dinner. My grandmother usually drops off some chicken pot pie on Tuesdays, but only enough to feed me. Other attendees can fend for themselves, or simply watch me eat, trying to live vicariously through my spells of pot pie-induced pleasure.
8:00 p.m. - Binge Drinking.
Wednesday, July 16:
2:41 p.m. - Wake up, covered in someone else's vomit. Self-explanatory.
3:00 p.m. - "Let's Hang Out: Part 2". This edition of LHO will likely be far more terse than the last one, due to any and all unscrupulous acts that may have occurred during the previous night's proceedings.
4:00 p.m. - Nap.
6:00 p.m. - Farewell address. This year's keynote speaker, Billy Dee Williams, will deliver the farewell address. Should Billy Dee fail to show up, Darnell, who has been said to look like a club-footed Lando Calrissian, will fill in.
7:00 p.m. - Door closes.
7:01 p.m. - Binge Drinking 2.
8:33 p.m. - "Me Time".