Drama Mamas: How to befriend when antisocial
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with the Drama Mamas. Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are real-life mamas and experienced WoW players -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your server. We're taking your questions at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.
We'll get to the drama in a minute, but first I must talk about the awesome avatars that the awesome Kelly Aarons of Byron and World of Warcraft, Eh? fame has awesomely drawn and painted for us. Awesome. See them after the break.
Yeah, yeah. You want drama. We've got your drama right here. The thing about WoW (and MMOs in general) is that while you may be able to solo through it, the most benefits are reaped by at least a minimum of social interaction. We are answering a letter this week from someone who isn't very friendly but still wants to make and keep friends in Azeroth. Try not to get too distracted by the awesome avatars. Awesome.
Dear Drama Mamas: I've been playing WoW almost since it came out, with a few months of breaks in between. During that time, I usually had 1-5 friends on a server I was playing on, and was even in guilds. However, at some point in '09 or '08, I stopped making new friends. Well, that's alright, I'd say, since I had friends and didn't really need more. And, one by one, I lost contact with them, either due to arguments or simply lack of conversations. I ran out of friends a few weeks ago. A part of this could be my altoholism -- I have dozens of mid/high-level characters across different servers, and will often jump from playing one character for a week for another one. (A part of that could be lack of friends/guild, a nice little cycle.)
So, the question is, how would I make friends? I'm a hard person to like, I realize that, but I don't think it's impossible. I have the "don't dick around and be serious" mentality (which should not be confused with the humorless or unforgiving ones); which goes against most of the player-base I've seen, other than in the most "hardcore" groups. I mean, I have such high standards for RP, I can't even stand up to them; and I will damn most of those who don't, but try. I have enjoyed a few people while farming heroics, but they were often on other servers or didn't get 'attached'. I realize that this is getting way too long, and makes me sound more whiny than I'd like, so I'll just try to summarize..
How do I make friends, when one is not considered a fun person to be around, and finds well-balanced, happy people annoying, how to keep them, and how to survive in a guild? -- Signed, Antisocial
Drama Mama Robin: Antisocial, I can relate to your viewpoint. For many years, I was of the opinion that I am who I am and people had to take me that way. I believed that having only a friend or two was fine. I thought that good friends were precious and being popular was shallow and for other people. I felt that standing by my convictions and good taste were the signs of a strong character and good person. I was and you are right, to a point. We should be true to ourselves, but that doesn't mean we need to loudly announce our opinions at every possible opportunity. It took me a long time to learn that, and I still struggle with it. But I get along better with more people now, allowing me more opportunities for happiness and growth.
Anti, if you really want to make and keep friends, you're going to have to make some changes in your behavior. Here are some suggestions:
Talk before you type. Assuming you're not on voice chat of some kind, try saying out loud the things you want to type in chat. Perhaps just saying them so that only you can hear them will be enough for you, so that fewer inflammatory statements will actually make it to your friends.
What are you trying to accomplish? Ask yourself this before you criticize. Do you think the person's behavior will actually change or are you just trying to vent your opinion on the matter? If you are just trying to be heard with no constructive goal in mind, then don't actually make the criticism.
Can you reword it? Tact is hard, but it can make a huge difference. If you really think you can help someone by your remarks, try to word it as positively as possible. This will take practice. And if you can't frame a particular statement so that it will be received well, perhaps just save it for next time.
Roleplay a friendly person. You mention that you RP, so this is really a great option for you. I am pretty much unable to flirt in physical form, but when I roleplayed my flirtatious bard in EQ, I was Flirty McFlirterson. (Actually, my name was Eponyne Songtart, but you know what I mean.) I highly recommend making a friendly, perhaps even dumb, character. A fictional environment is an excellent way to practice your social skills.
I'm not saying that you need to change any of the tenets in which you believe. Nor will this help you find happy people any less annoying. But changing how you behave towards people will make it more likely that they will want to play this game with you. I'm going to get all Star Trek nerd on you here: think of yourself like Data, yearning to be human and trying to emulate their behavior, not like Q, judging and dictating and popping in and out of people's lives at your whim. Good luck and I hope you are otherwise functioning within established parameters.
Drama Mama Lisa:
Robin's a sweetie -- and while we live and work miles apart, I do consider her a friend. Can't you feel that "I've got your back, girl" vibe radiating from her replies? (Then again, she made sure her new Horde avatar got the pole position in the article. Horde bias rearing its ugly head? Oh, the drama!)
But your vibe, Antisocial? Anti, I suspect your vibe is something closer to Ally Sheedy's character in The Breakfast Club. You seem to be using your "antisocial" label as a shield. However, I suspect your issue is less with people in general than with particular people.
While I agree with Robin's suggestions about warming up to others, I'm not so sure that's the ultimate direction you want to go. It seems to me that you need to spend some time searching for "your tribe" -- a group of like-minded players that takes whatever they do as seriously as you do. You seem to have a deep appreciation for hardcore roleplaying; there are certainly groups out there who would welcome another devotee to their flock. However, I don't think "hardcore" is necessarily the key trait you should look for in any type of group you might be considering joining. Many "hardcore" raiding guilds, for example, maintain a level of snark between pulls that would most likely drive you up the zone walls. My suggestion would be to look toward goal-oriented groups of mature players -- raiders on a limited weekly schedule, hardcore roleplayers or even a group that you've built yourself that focuses on some team-oriented goal.
Ultimately, you may not find that every member of any group you get involved with is as serious-minded as you are. Still, if you're not feeling assaulted by snarkiness and buffoonery from all sides, you may find yourself relaxing and lightening up. I do think you may find the change a stretch -- but I don't think you'll find it a leap from the cliff, either. There's bound to be a group somewhere out there you can tuck into, with people willing to meet your overtures halfway. Good luck in your search!
Drama Buster of the Week: If you think you got kicked from a guild unfairly due to a misunderstanding or lies or whatever, do not go on a griefing campaign out of revenge. The best way to prove them wrong is to be a class act. Respectfully ask for a hearing and calmly state your case. You'll not only have a better chance of reinstatement (if that's what you want), but other guilds will also think better of you.
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.
