There were many fun responses to Allison Robert's The cynic's guide to World of Warcraft, but I've only chosen two to show here. This was the reaction to her definition of community manager.
Community Manager Staff hired to police the asylum known as the official forums. Their duty is to shepherd the flock of the perennially disgruntled and to translate vague developer utterances into gamer vernacular. Employed in previous lives as Delphic oracles to an indignant Greek populace ("Nerf Rome, buff Athens. Celts are fine.").
Greeks need more mana regen :/Kurash:
Bah. Celts need more defensive cooldowns!Neuropox:
Persians are weak to Sparta. Needs to be fixed.Ruta:
Pfft. All your lots are fine, we Vandals have been nerfed every patch.Ozzard:
Troy needs one more mount at Exalted; the Greeks loaning one at Hated was a nice idea but caused friction between players of the two races.Sl0th:
Forget about all that. The Visigoths need their own capital. Can we give them part of Rome's?Sanguinarius:
I've heard rumors that the first hero class will be "Huns".chetoos:
Rome has been nerfed enough. get the idiot ruler of rome out and get a good one back in.
Commodus is an idiot, and should not lead an empirebobikinbobwalker:
Nero can run an empire as good as a Basic Campfire.Sithril:
All hail Abasik, the founder of the Campfire dynasty of Rome!The cynic's guide to WoW races
themightysven took issue at the lack of races in Allison's guide and suggested his own.
The history of Magia
Blood Elves the most shiny and generically aesthetically appealing race on the Horde side. Favorite TV show: Intervention. They don't like you.
Draenei Happy-go-lucky interdimensional goat people. will give you the shirt of their back, heal you, and give you 30 gold just for being yourself. Favorite TV show: Doctor Who. No one likes them.
Dwarves Sometimes Scottish inspired explorers and craftsmen. Sadly never coated in blue paint. Tremendously skewed gender imbalance has lead biologists to theorize that they reproduce by budding. Favorite Show: Man vs. Food
Forsaken Freedom fighters, if by freedom you mean living things. Smelly. Do not accept dining invitations from them. Giggled during Wrathgate cinematic. Favorite Show: Dexter
Gnomes Highly aerodynamic inventors. Possibly radioactive (even before the fall of Gnomergan). Favorite TV show: Mythbusters
Goblins Diminutive Mafiosos. Enjoy seeing how big an explosion they can make, then seeing if they can make a bigger one. Every Horde player's future Bank alt. Favorite Show: Lost
Humans Like you only bad dancers. Completely unable to tell the difference between races. The root cause of almost every horrible apocalypse in WoW. they like nachos. Favorite Show: Golf
Night Elves Recently Mortal. Very whiny about it. Pro-tree. Matriarchal. Favorite TV show: Torchwood
Orcs Recently un-demon possessed. Very cocky about it. Anti-tree. Patriarchal. Favorite TV show: Wrestling
Tauren Not at all based on Minotaurs. Self conscious about weight. Able to be any kind of Tank or Healer soon, thus marked Hunter increase. Favorite TV show: Glee
Trolls Recently non-cannibals. Love visting forsaken at dinner time. Favorite TV Show: Weeds
Worgen Totally not inspired by Popularity of "Twilight" books. Often offended by gifts of Flea collars. Like "ScrEmo" music. So out of Gilneas when they're 18. Favorite TV show: Gossip Girl
A question for The Queue
got some excellent reader answers.Andrew:
Where does Mr. Belt's deep hatred of warlocks come from?brian:
The depths of his frigid mage-heart?dabias:
Back in the day, the mages used to live in the beautiful valley of Magia, peacefully blowing things up and turning random peasants into sheep. Mr. Belts parents both were members of the Belt of Mages, that was the Archmage's advisory council. During Mr. Belts childhood, the Archmage was Bob Pants, a young and extremely talented mage (c'mon, why always take old people?). But one day, on the day Belt turned 17, the warlocks invaded Magia. Their inferior magics where quickly destroyed, but their smell had already covered most of Magia. Over 99% of the population died and the warlock smell fallout Magia was left unhabitable. The mages were forced to leave Magia and find a new place to call their home. The entire Belt of Mages and Archmage Bob Pants had died from the warlock smell, so Mr. Belt was chosen as the new Archmage and was named Archmage Pants in honor of the previous Archmage.
That is the whole story of Mr. Belt's warlock hate. Please ensure it will never get lost in the depths of history or get stuck in this comment system.This
Another question for The Queue
gets a slew of responses.Grovinofdarkhour:
Dear The Queue,
Who invented the "^this" post, and have they been sufficiently punished for this crime against humanity?
*resists the urge*Dave:
Oh man I can't help it. @(cutaia) ^thisGalestrom:
^this™ Kar On E:
You can go with ^ this
You can go with v thatSamutz:
But ^this is where it's atFox tells a story
There is a delicious battle of light versus dark going on in Spiritual Guidance
and Fox Van Allen decided to tell a story in the comments to explain.
Until next slack ... er ... week.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a young girl named Dawn. She aspired to be a priest -- a great priest.
Most of the boys and girls in Dawn's neighborhood would gather at the local playground, acting out their wildest fantasies of heroism and grandeur. Dawn, of course, would go there too, wanting to join in their games.
"I'm a beaaaaaar! Roarrrrrrr!" shouted Allison, climbing atop the slide and making swiping gestures with her hand.
"lightningboltlightningboltlighningbolt," yelled Mike, attacking his friends with imaginary jolts of electricity.
Dawn watched for a few moments. Her heart filled with joy as she watched the others having fun. "MIND FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" screamed Dawn, racing towards the rest of the kids.
"Dawn! What are you DOING?"
"No daughter of mine is going to be ... SHADOW PRIESTING."
Dawn's head lowered at the sound of her dad's voice.
"S ... sorry, dad," she said, sulking toward the bench. "Power word ... whatever," she sighed, head between her hands.
She spent hours that day watching the other kids play -- whirlwinding, lava lashing, rejuvenating -- all while her father's stare was upon her. She spent most her time watching one boy in particular.
"Vampiric Touch! Devouring Plague!"
Who was that stunningly beautiful and charismatic boy, living the life that she wanted to live?
"Gosh, Fox, you win again," said the smartly dressed paladin Liz. "If I ever become editor-in-chief of a popular MMORPG-centric website, I'll be sure to shower you with raises and promotions cause you're so awesome!"
The level 1 Fox smiled darkly, imaginary shadows swirling about him. Surely, he would be destined for greatness ... Dawn just knew it.
Such jealousy stirred in Dawn that day. Maybe one day, one day -- one day she'd spec shadow and be just as fabulous and incrediawesome as Fox. She'd get his approval! Maybe even come close to his level of coolness.
"Don't you even THINK about it," chided her dad, somehow tuned in to her line of thought. "You're going to be a holy priest, young lady. Or discipline. NEVER shadow."
Dawn sighed. And so it was. She knew the shadow tree to be superior, but she would never be allowed to taste its dark fruits.
Weeks and years passed as Dawn watched Fox grow into the role of shadow priest, frolicking through the fields of Azeroth with his Shadowfiend, leaving a trail of dead gnomes in his wake. Whenever she was alone, Dawn would collect her thoughts about shadow priesting ... thinking about that boy on the playground ... perhaps to one day put pen to paper and life out her fantasies, even if only through the written word. A thousand-word-minimum cry out to the world that she wanted nothing more to have lived her life as a shadow priest, as she indeed found the tree superior to all others!
Even as Dawn grew into her role as a "light-side" priesting expert, that little girl deep inside still sits on a metaphorical bench ... waiting for her chance ... one day ...
And still, on a warm spring night such as this one, you can still see a single candle in Dawn's window, as she looks out to survey the darkness ... thinking about what could have been.
Ha, caughtcha looking! Hey, don't scroll away ... Come join the conversation on these and other posts around the WoW.com community. We'll see you around in [1.Local]!