Amy Schley as Patent, the troll rogue
Hey mon, it be da Patent troll! I be hearin' dat you been missin' me. Dat be rat'er strange since I be around ev'ry week. My adventures must be gettin' lost in da mail. (Or maybe I forgot ta write dem. Nah, it be dat mail eatin' mailbox, mon.) Anyways, about t'ree weeks ago, I was gettin' bored wit' da Stonetalon Mountains. Seemed like I spent all my time runnin' back and fort' and den half da stuff I couldn't kill before it killed me ... It was bad, mon. So I headed over to da Hillsbrad Foothill and on my way, I did some new rogue trainin' like ya voted for.
Some of you have a sense of humor. Ya wanted me ta be gimped and struggle wit' bein' a subtle rogue so I would be funny as I complained about it. Ya be tryin' to set me up da bomb. Well da joke be on you mon! I love bein' a subtle Patent troll, 'specially in Hillsbrad. I just whacks da humans and dwarves on da head, picks dere pockets, den ambushes dem and kill dem in just a few hits. It be awesome mon! And I be so good at dis, I could sneak into da dwarf fortress and kill da big dwarf mon in da middle even dough he be like five levels better dan me. Oh yeah, da subtle Patent troll be awesome!
So last night I finish up da last few quests in da Foothills and snuck on down to da Stranglethorn Vale. Dat be good troll territory down dere. I can't wait ta meet my troll bruders ... and find out how good dey taste.
Fox Van Allen as Foxlight, the blood elf paladin
The west coast. It tried to change me. Into a worgen.
I may have been born a simple blood elf from Sunstrider Isle, but I've always known I've been meant for more. I have a gift -- nay, gifts! Gorgeous, spectacular, sun-tanned gifts!
And that's why I moved out here to the west coast. The industry. Remember The Old Gnome and the Sea? Shot in Silverpine. Kickpuncher and Kickpuncher 2? Both Silverpine. Even those stupid-yet-unbelievably-sexy werewolf movies are shot in Silverpine. This is where you go to be a star.
(Kickpuncher 3, starring Foxlight! It gives me shivers just writing that!)
Now, I know what you're saying: "Foxlight, that place is run by those greedy worgen." Girl, that's just an old antiquated stereotype -- you don't know anything. Blood elves run this place. Behind every well-groomed worgen is an equally well-groomed belf. It's just that blood elves don't play well in those Wrynn-voting conservative states like Westfall. (I say it's because those haters are all secretly self-loathing blood elves themselves.)
Speaking of the Westfall, the place is head over heels over a worgen named Jacob Lautner. You can't believe everything you read in the tabloids; they're all bought and paid for by the studios. The real stories in this town are told on those underground gossip sites:
ITEM: What well-sculpted "worgen" star has been seen cavorting at some late-night, Sungrass-fueled, blood-elf-only parties up at Shadowfang Keep? Keep howling at the moon, kiddo -- you may be fooling the rubes in the Blasted Lands, but you don't fool us!
You know this town is all about networking, and nothing says networking like a Sungrassed-out blood elf passed out in a hot tub. So I crashed one of Archmage Arugal's parties. Yeah, you heard me, that
Arugal. In this town, he can make you or break you. And I'm ready to get made. Forget all those stupid exclamation points over peoples' heads. Making Foxlight a star -- that's the only quest I care about.
Easier said than done, though, despite my stunning good looks. Apparently, the bouncers at Shadowfang Keep aren't keen on party crashers, even ones with delectable, rock-hard abdominals. I wasn't even inside for a minute before they turned the dogs
on me. Don't worry, though, Foxlight fans. I didn't go down easy. I've spent extra time in the gym getting ready for this one. Hours upon hours in the sauna. A few puppies ain't no thing for me. Knocked them down like they were nothing.
Now, this Shadowfang Keep place -- it's huge. A pretty awesome place to party. They even have a dungeon there. (Dungeons are a little too wild for me, but ... OK, who am I kidding? Dungeons are exactly wild enough for me.) I think there were a few low-level movie execs down there, but I wasn't here to talk with the small fries. I was there to take a meeting with Arugal. (Not that I haven't talked to low-level movie execs before. If one of them tells you that they can make you a star, get it in writing before you start doing favors for them. I'm never going to make that mistake again.)
Now, Arugal wasn't quite so happy to see me. He was threatened by my stunningly chiseled frame. And probably a little angry that I crashed one of his secret parties. Not that it was much of one -- Jacob Lautner wasn't even there. Just a bunch of sad, past-their-prime ghosts.
I made Arugal an offer I thought he couldn't refuse: Me, Foxlight, humbly agreeing to star in his next feature.
But he refused! In hindsight, the reason is clear -- with Foxlight taking up the spotlight, there wouldn't be any room left for his other little "projects" like Lautner. I'm too threatening! My star would shine so bright, no others would be seen!
So anyway, he was all like, "You, too, will serve!" and I was all like, "Say wha?" And then he was all like, "Release your rage," and I was all like, "Come again?"
The dude wanted to turn me into a worgen! Nuh, uh, I'm a proud blood elf. I'm not turning worgen for anyone -- not even for all the roles in Silverpine. I don't care how it plays in Westfall.
So I did what any proud belf would do: I bashed his skull in like a ripe Snapvine Watermelon
Don't judge me too hard, Foxlight fans. Out here, bashed-in skulls serve as currency. I traded it for a gorgeous new ring
back in the Sepulcher. Travel tip, though: Don't ask the Forsaken about what they do with those heads once you turn them over.
Anyway, epilogue -- the new ring is nice, but I'm still without my starring role in a feature film. And there's no sign of that Lautner kid. He must be shooting somewhere on location
. I'll find him, though. Promise, hand to heart. Which is buried under this spectacular, smooth, well-oiled chest.
Foxlight the Six-Packed