Jerk was sly, though, and managed to stick a mine to my vessel before he totally decompressed, so I had to scramble to hit the emergency blast shield button before getting vented myself. We warped out, and next thing I knew, my pilot, Ishi, he puts on the brakes. I run to the bridge and what do I see? The Ulysses, the Confederate flagship under the command of the lowest piece of slime in the galaxy, General Sarrano. Now, maybe it was the booze or my intense hatred of the guy that made me do it, but I got it in my head to blow the damn thing up. So I planted myself at a turret control and had Ishi fly me close-like so I could take out its guns before going in for the kill.
Before I knew it, the bums were trying to run me down using their own train!
Well, I put the hurt on 'em, but we weren't in much better shape, so I just pushed the thrusters into overdrive and flew right through it like a bullet. Next thing I know, we're going down -- imagine that! -- but so is General Jerkwad.
Wake up on this planet, Stigia, feeling like crap but still ready to crack some skulls. Turns out there are plenty to go around, between the Confederates and these rival gangs, the Skulls and Kreeps. I kill maybe 200 of 'em, but they won't stop coming. So, I "barrow" a train and go for a little joyride trough the desert. Someone was kind enough to leave a minigun lying around, which was good -- before I knew it, the bums were trying to run me down using their own train! Plus, they had gyrocopters! Oh, I forgot one thing: There was this giant (maybe, oh, 300-foot) out of control grinding wheel rolling towards me the entire time, so I had to shoot some fuel towers and blow 'em up to knock it off course.
Some good that did -- the tracks were out and I barely survived the crash. Luckily I have a thing for barely surviving pretty much anything. It's a space pirate thing.
Anyhoo, took a shortcut through some caverns and relieved some Skulls of their gyrocopter (hey, they didn't need it anymore!) just in time to -- well, I just remember there being something very big and very mad. Gyrocopter crapped out after a few minutes, but at least it dropped me not too far outside of a very fancy-shmancy looking resort place. I've got this Confederate energy leash I picked up off a dead Fed, and it says there's one of the General's top-shelf soldiers holed up not too far inside the place -- figured she might lead me to the bastard's escape pod. The leash was cool for messing with bad guys, but it also gave me feedback on what a badass I was being. Hell, I even got extra points for offing guys after I'd downed a bottle of hooch.
Had to actually stop shooting a couple of times to swing my way across chasms on some vines, hand-over-hand style. Good thing my arms are as thick as tree trunks!
Hell, I even got extra points for offing guys after I'd downed a bottle of hooch.
Finally closed in on this gal's beacon -- had to clear a hotel of about a zillion Kreeps first -- and wound up in a furnace room with a bunch of the messed-up weirdos locked in with me. Some of 'em were too fast for my leash, but a couple of bullets to the knees and a boot to the head later, they went flying into the flames to get all crispy-like. Saved the girl; she wasn't very appreciative. Really didn't like it when I leashed the turbines so we could cross that damn dam. So what if I busted 'em? Not like the non-existent tourists are going to mind.
So, like I said, it's not all about shooting and drinking. Well, it's mostly about that, but this place has definitely kept me on my toes. Hey! What do ya mean, "memory full?" I haven't even gotten to the best stuff! Piece of sh--
P.S. The stuff I just told you about all happened in a review version of Bulletstorm over the course of about four hours. The whole crazy, blood-soaked ride lasted for more than 10! You'll get to read about the rest of my day when Joystiq reviews it on February 22.