Hey, you! Yeah, you. The guy everyone laughs at for knowing the truth. Sure, the majority of the "sane" people out there think you need psychiatric help because you spent your life savings building that end-of-the-world bunker at an undisclosed location in the Rocky Mountains, but you and I know better, don't we? We both know you aren't crazy and -- just like the Mayans predicted all those hundreds of years ago -- the world is really going to end on December 21, 2012.
Sure, the US government, NASA and the Vatican are telling the world that nothing is going to happen on 12/21/12. But you know who else is telling their people that? The Russians. And who are you going to trust? Just yourself. And me, as I'm clearly as sane as you are.
With that in mind, I've compiled a list of the four apps you'll need to get ready of the end of the world.
Look, there's only a week left until it all ends. Download this app and buy whatever you want. Why? Because who's going to be sending you that credit card bill come January? That's right: NO ONE.
So go ahead and splurge on that tank you're gonna need for driving around the total wasteland formerly known as "the Earth." I just recommend you use Amazon Prime so you get all your goods before the impending demise of everyone and everything you've ever loved.
Sure, you can probably tell anyone the exact number of seconds left until The End at the drop of a hat, but it's always nice to have a little back up reminder. This app even takes time zones into account. Just be sure to enable the "Death Clock" theme, because, let's face it, the end of the world ain't gonna be pretty.
Yeah, I know, it's the other people who are going to regret not listening as you preached about the wisdom of the Mayan calendar for the last 20 years. But still, I'm sure you have some regrets, right? Maybe you regret not going out and being part of the world instead of just preparing for its end. Maybe you regret learning how to turn dried goat intestines into a bota bag instead of following your dreams of becoming a novelist? Whatever your regrets are now, get them off your chest with this app. You can also see feeds of other people's regrets -- and let me tell you, come December 21 those feeds are just gonna be full of regrets saying, "I should have listened to YOU!"
We both know you're a master strategist who's stronger than Rambo, more thrifty than MacGyver and that with your firearm skills any gun battle you get into will be just like a choreographed fight scene from The Matrix. But still, extra pointers never hurt. The Survival Guide app is based on the US Military Survival Manual FM 21-76. It covers psychological survival training, medicine, shelter, water and supply procurement and more. You might as well read up on your survival technique while your iPhone still has power.
So there you have it, brother. I'd list more apps, but there's not much time left. I've still got a hundred kilos of squirrel meat to dry into jerky and then need to begin the trek to my retrofitted missile silo. I wish you the best of luck. And just know that if Apple were to still exist after The End, you'd definitely be in their next Here's To The Crazy One's commercial.