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The untold history of Godzilla


A new Godzilla movie has arrived, ready to terrorize moviegoers (and Bryan Cranston). The King of the Monsters has a long history in cinema, but he's also no stranger to video games. The giant lizard is tailor-made for video games, really. He's adept at smashing buildings and fighting monsters, he's got atomic breath and, perhaps most importantly, he's a giant lizard.

Godzilla's a superstar, alright, but we wanted to celebrate the unsung heroes of any encounter with the mighty Gojira: the city municipal workers. After all, someone has to deal with Godzilla's mess, right?

1988: Godzilla: Monster of Monsters - NES

From: Hank Lundy, DPW
To: Municipal Authority
Subject: RE: Godzilla Diversion Plan Recap
Date: May 12, 1988


I just wanted to catch everyone up on the progress of this year's Godzilla diversion plan. As of last night, I'm ready to declare the effort a complete success. We managed to tranquilize Godzilla and load him onto a spacecraft, after which he was transported to the moon. Upon arrival, our chief engineer, Frank Wills, poked the beast's toe with a hot poker while exclaiming, "Look out there, it's planet Earth!" Frank is no longer with us, but his sacrifice will not be forgotten.

Suffice it to say that the ruse ultimately worked. Godzilla bought it, lock, stock and barrel, and began to terrorize the moon. Sadly, our automated jets, laser cannons and missile platforms were no match for him, and nearly all of them have been destroyed by the lizard's terrible, terrible wrath. Those vehicles represented a huge technological and financial investment on our part, but I believe it was worth it. I'm sure Frank would agree.

As an added bonus, Godzilla's presence seems to have attracted many other menacing monsters, which should give us some relief next year.

Crack open the champagne, folks. He's the moon's problem now.

Hank Lundy
Director, Department of Public Works

From: Sandra Collins, Department of the Treasury
To: Hank Lundy
Subject: Godzilla Diversion Plan Success?
Date: May 13, 1988


Have you lost your mind? I don't know how you railroaded this proposal through the city council, but this is the most egregious misuse of taxpayer dollars I have ever seen in my years as Treasurer. I've been reviewing the tapes on the office VCR, and all I see are piles of cash flying out the window. Spaceships? Laser cannons? Automated jets? The R&D alone has cost the city billions. We don't even have one billion in the treasury, and I have no idea how you acquired the rest (frankly I don't want to know).

And let me ask you something. If you had a tranquilizer powerful enough to incapacitate Godzilla, the King of the F*&%ing Monsters, why on God's green earth are we sending him into space? Just shove him back into the ocean and be done with it! Hell, carve him up and solve the city's hunger problem.

But no. Hank Lundy had a better idea. Let's plunge the city into an eternity of inescapable debt and launch Godzilla into space. While we're at it, let's make sure he's good and pissed when he gets there, ensuring that he'll completely irradiate the moon before destabilizing its orbit, sending it crashing to Earth in an inevitable tailspin.

Which reminds me, NASA keeps calling. Check your damned messages.

Sandra Collins

1989: Revenge of Shinobi - Genesis (Unlicensed cameo)
From: Sandra Collins, Department of the Treasury
To: Municipal Authority
Subject: Ninjas?!
Date: December 2, 1989


As grateful as I am to our Japanese friends for helping us restore the moon's orbit, I cannot believe we're going along with Hank's new plan this year. I appreciate Japan's assistance, especially in consideration of the enormous, multi-generational debt we owe them, but seriously: A freaking ninja? Against Godzilla?

I'm washing my hands of this.

1990: Godzilla - Game Boy

Answering Machine Message RE: Giant Labyrinth Construction
From: Bob Jones, City Council Chairman
To: Hank Lundy, DPW
Recorded December 1990

1993: Super Godzilla - SNES

DATE: November 10, 1993

It is the opinion of this office that publicly funded solutions to the growing monster problem have been grossly ineffective and shortsighted. Director Lundy's backing of myriad diversion plans, including the puzzle labyrinth debacle of '90, demonstrates an inherent lack of vision that has plagued every major city that attracts these big-footed terrors. A new initiative developed alongside Japan's Super X Ground and Air Self-Defense Force will lead us into a new era of not just economic prosperity, but a time of Godzilla integration rather than deflection.

Our friends from Japan have fitted old 'Zilla with a transmitter that will allow us to take direct control of his mind and body. They've already started field tests in Tokyo. You can see it for yourself in the footage I had sent to the council chambers. Working in conjunction with traditional military technology, Godzilla will stomp out whatever tentacled mutant we point him at. Gigan or Screech or whatever the hell this week's freak is, we'll have Godzilla on point.

Will there be casualties and property damage? Certainly, but we can turn this already assured destruction into a massive job growth opportunity. Every building or road destroyed by using Godzilla as a weapon means hundreds of new jobs. URBAN RENEWAL, PEOPLE! The public is happy, Godzilla's happy. We're on the cusp of great things.

Answering Machine Message RE: Godzilla Mind Control
From: Sandra Collins, Department of the Treasury
To: Christopher Dembowski, Senior VP of Planning DPW
Recorded November 1993

1998: Godzilla Generations - Dreamcast
From: Hank Lundy, DPW (hlundy@dpw.cor)
To: Bob Jones, City Council Chairman (bigbob@CC.cor)
Subject: Overthinking Godzilla
Date: November 1, 1998


I figured I'd save the rest of the council some trouble this year and just submit this directly to you. I think we've been overthinking Godzilla for the last few years. All this effort spent on new technology, when the real answer is to go low-tech. I'm talking about cardboard, Bob. We build an exact, full-size replica of the city out of cardboard. Godzilla won't even notice. I've got contractors standing by. Just give the word.


From: Bob Jones, City Council Chairman (bigbob@CC.cor)
To: Hank Lundy, DPW (hlundy@dpw.cor)
Subject: RE: Overthinking Godzilla
Date: November 3, 1998


Love it.


Sent from my brand new Blackberry phone J

2002: Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee - GameCube, Xbox
From: Sandra Collins, Department of the Treasury (scollins@dt.cor)
To: Bob Jones, City Council Chairman (bigbob@CC.cor)
CC: Hank Lundy, DPW (hlundy@dpw.cor)
Date: October 3, 2002


I've been critical of the DPW's handling of Godzilla readiness planning over the last several years, but I've decided to turn a new leaf. In fact, I've even grown to love Hank's brilliant cardboard scheme from four years ago. Sure, I didn't even find out about it until I saw the first paper-thin high-rise going up. And yes, it did nothing but distract Godzilla before he destroyed the real city immediately adjacent to the fake one. Still, I've come to appreciate the way Hank thinks outside of the box, and I've decided to submit my own plan this year.

How about we just say screw the city? Let Godzilla and his buddies just duke it out. Let's not even defend the city. Just let it all burn to the ground. Hell, why don't we put it on Pay-Per-View? We can profit off of a monstrous boxing match staged over a massive pile of rubble and human misery. God knows we could use the money.

HOW ABOUT THAT? SOUND GOOD? Maybe we'll get lucky and Godzilla will scoop you all up and choke on you. It's better than you deserve.


Voice Mail RE: Godzilla Pay-Per-View
From: Bob Jones, City Council Chairman
To: Sandra Collins, Department of the Treasury
Recorded October 2002

From: Sandra Collins, Department of the Treasury (scollins@dt.cor)
To: Bob Jones, City Council Chairman (bigbob@CC.cor)
CC: Hank Lundy, DPW (hlundy@dpw.cor)
Subject: [empty]

I quit.

[Image: Toho]

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