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Expensive corn dogs, plus 10 other things that are totally Apple's fault
Seattle Times columnist Brier Dudley speculates that we should expect the price of corn dogs to skyrocket from US$0.99 to $1.50 each. Since Dudley's report, U.S. financial markets have been in a tailspin over the news. Who does financial speculator Dudley say we should blame for the rising price of corn dogs? Steve Jobs. Of course. It all fits. You see, according to Dudley, small business owners enamored with the iPad will use any excuse they can find to justify owning one. "It'll help my business be more productive," corn dog vendors will say, but Dudley says this is a trap: These hapless souls will be snared into Apple's annual cycle of iPad upgrades, forcing them to shell out thousands of dollars in costs per year. Following basic economic principles, Dudley therefore expects those rising operating costs to be passed on to consumers. Therefore, you'll be paying half again as much for your corn dogs as you were last year, and it's all because Apple has hypnotized everyone into buying iPads whether they need them or not. I know you want seconds on the corn dogs, but there's no reason to shout. Dudley has no idea how deep the rabbit hole really goes. Corn dogs are only the beginning. Put on your aluminum thinking caps and follow along as I unveil the true extent of Apple's nefarious plans for world domination. We're through the looking glass here, people. 1. Brain cancer Did you know the iPhone is the most dangerous cell phone ever? Dr. Joseph Mercola sounded the warning two years ago, but nobody listened. Now, every time you send your Angry Birds high score to Game Center or FaceTime with your grandparents, you're not just getting a dose of endorphins from your brain's pleasure center -- you're also soaking up neuron-killing microwaves! Everybody panic! 2. Hearing loss iPod use causes deaf- I SAID, IPOD USE CAUSES DEAFNESS. Those white earbuds are basically the aural equivalent of staring directly at the sun during an eclipse; experts all say don't do it, but you just couldn't listen, could you? I SAID, YOU JUST COULDN'T- oh, forget it. 3. Unemployment The iPad is a job killer! You know it has to be true, because a Congressman said so. Those guys know how to kill jobs. Digital downloads are causing stores like Borders to shut down, and it's all Apple's fault! Damn its wildly popular iBookstore! But there's another underhanded scheme behind U.S. unemployment at work here... 4. Underage Chinese labor Apple uses child labor! They admitted it! Hundreds of thousands (11) of tiny (15-year-old) hands built your iPhone in terrible factory conditions. Next time you unlock your iPhone, think about how all eleven of those 15-year-old Chinese workers were unable to unlock themselves from Foxconn's chain gang (until Apple found out about them, anyway). And as we all know, no one else makes products at Foxconn's doom factories; once again, it's all Apple's fault. 5. Addiction Frankly, it wouldn't matter if Apple's products were manufactured by bipedal, enslaved factory-worker kittens genetically engineered to be as sympathetically cute (and productive) as possible. Why? Because Apple has us all addicted to the iPhone. That's the core of the company's grand scheme right there: create products so compelling that we can't put them -- hang on, checking my Twitter stream -- down. Apple purposefully designed the device to be compelling for only 12-14 months, however, which means by the time the next one comes out, the iPhone you have will feel like a useless piece of junk. All part of Apple's plans to keep you in... 6. Poverty Apple doesn't give away software upgrades like Snow Leopard or Lion for free to people running older operating systems. And you know what that means? Well, it means you have to pay for them! That's money that could've gone toward rent or getting braces for little Suzie, but nooooo... greedy old Apple insists on charging money for its products! It doesn't help matters that Apple intentionally breaks its older products to get you to buy new ones, then purposefully engineers basic flaws in its newer products in order to force you to buy accessories! Where does it all end? To the mines with you! 7. Crime Four years ago, the NY Daily News determined that the iPod was singlehandedly responsible for a nationwide crime wave. But did we listen? Of course not! And four years later, now that Apple makes products even more desirable than the iPods of old, crime is higher than ever. 8. Climate change Apple's leading the charge into cloud-based computing, but as Greenpeace wisely pointed out last year, clouds cause shifts in climate! All those data centers have to get their power from somewhere. Apple hasn't yet figured out how to transmute cash directly into electricity, which I suppose is lucky for coal plants run by people who turn electricity into cash. It's unlucky for the rest of us, though -- those of you in coastal cities had better buy waterproof cases for your iPhones. You know what's craziest about this? Al Gore is on Apple's board of directors! The guy who brought the whole climate change thing into the limelight! It really IS a conspiracy! 9. Espionage "Big Brother is watching you." It's more than a line from George Orwell's 1984, it's the literal truth. Underground bunkers buried deeply beneath Cupertino monitor your every move via the iPhone in your pocket. From atop his throne built entirely from $1000 bills, Steve Jobs sits before a bank of 10,000 Apple Cinema Displays that let him know, at any moment of his choosing, exactly when you start playing Flight Control in the bathroom. Oh sure, Apple says they never used that data for anything, and they say they've fixed the "bug," but that's exactly what you'd expect them to say, isn't it? 10. War Apple has declared war on everything. War on Flash. War on Google. War on Amazon. War on Samsung. War on Microsoft. War on Nintendo and Sony. War on publishers. War on developers. War on users. War on Porn! An entity willing to go to war with so many combatants, simultaneously, can only have one goal in mind: total, global domination. We've grown so used to reading the headline snippet, "Apple declares war on (x)," that it's unlikely we'll notice at all when (x) turns out to be "humanity." And how are we supposed to stop Apple when it rises, gargantuan, monolithic, from its long slumber beneath Cupertino's bedrock to enslave us all? How can we battle against Apple and its legions of underaged factory workers when we're all addled with brain cancer, deaf, unemployed, poor, terrified of crime, swimming for high ground, and so addicted to our iDevices that we don't even notice when they report our locations to the Thought Police? How, dear comrades, can we win the day without corn dogs?
South Park introduces the HUMANCENTiPad
South Park is starting its 15th season on Wednesday, and Apple will be there. Comedy Central has posted a very short clip of Steve Jobs presenting the newest iThingy, which seems to be a mash-up of an iPad and The Human Centipede. The latter is a movie so bad that it garnered a Rotten Tomatoes audience rating of 29 percent. The clip is slightly NSFW (Not Suitable For Work), so be forewarned. Thanks to Keith M. for the tip
Should unemployed Americans buy Apple gear? The Onion weighs in
The Onion, one of our favorite sources for fake news, has done a talking heads analysis of whether the unemployed should buy Apple computers. In typical Onion fashion, they miss the point -- on purpose. The consensus? Of course the unemployed should buy Apples! You can do graphic design and look cool at Starbucks. The only person with a semi-reasonable point winds up getting tossed off the show for knowing nothing about the problem. As one analyst mentioned: "I didn't know that we'd be drinking the Apple Kool-Aid here." For a good dose of said Kool-Aid, check out the video either on the free Onion app, or on the next page.
Israeli parody details the rise and fall of Apple's iBoy, humanity as a whole (video)
For those unaware, Eretz Nehederet is effectively the Israeli equivalent to The Onion, and on the 1st of April, they covered the hardest-hitting piece of Apple news to cross their news desk in quite some time. That news, friends, is the iBoy. Available in a variety of skin tones, religious beliefs and languages, this iPad-adorned human is both the best and worst thing to happen to mankind... well, ever. There's no word on when it'll be on sale, but it's fairly clear that "divorce" and "alcohol" are about to take a backseat to this guy when studying factors that rip families to shreds. Click and weep as you see fit. [Thanks, Lior G.]
Wasteland Diaries: Hardcore mode
So during your wait for Sector 4, have you conquered it all in Fallen Earth? You've overcome every obstacle and achieved every achievement? You've amassed wealth beyond dreams and have become a king among men in the wastes? Maybe not, but let's assume you have. What do you do now? Well, I've got some terrific news for you. Fallen Earth has a hardcore mode. It's a realism mod of sorts. But the catch is: Nothing is changed on the server side. All modifications will be made client-side (and they will be made legally). This mode will take a large amount of self-discipline. It will be very easy to cheat. Many of the rules that will be imposed on you will also be enforced by you. In order for it to be considered truly hardcore, apocalyptic-realism, you can't cheat. Even Fallout: New Vegas has a hardcore mode. Of course, I played it in hardcore mode and still found it too easy. I had to impose rules on myself to keep it challenging (like no V.A.T.S. allowed). I also found that the ability to save right before a big decision or fight also alleviates some of the difficulty. Of course, I could impose further restrictions on myself to make the game more difficult. With that in mind, after the cut, I'll show you how to do just that with Fallen Earth.
Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear app now available
MTV Networks has released the official Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear app for this Saturday's Jon Stewart rally and Stephen Colbert march. The app features a map of the rally site, Facebook, Twitter, and Foursquare integration, a portal to upload photos to the official rally photostream, news updates, and an exclusive message from the master satirists themselves. The app also features a complete FAQ about the rally including directions on how to get there, accessibility for the disabled, the average weather forecast, and what you are and are not allowed to bring to rallies in the National Mall. The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear takes place on Saturday, October 30 at the National Mall in Washington D.C. from noon to 3pm. The app is available now as a free download. [via Obamapacman]
Dress like Steve Jobs for Halloween with iWear
The guys at Scoopertino have the exclusive details on Apple's "next big product launch." According to them, "Apple is making a multimillion-dollar bet" that you'll want it, too. Apple is set to release their first ever clothing line, dubbed "iWear," which lets you dress exactly like Steve Jobs. The iWear line will consist of a mock black turtleneck, jeans, gray New Balance 991 sneakers, and a pair of non-prescription Steve Jobs-style glasses. Apple will push the new iWear clothing line with the ad campaign slogan: "Be Like Steve." If you haven't realized by now (and I hope you have), this is just another joke from Scoopertino, a Mac satire news site. Click on over to their site to read the whole article; they've got some great "quotes" from Apple's PR people and have really outdone themselves with iWear mock-ups (including a really funny tag with care instructions for your iWear jeans). And fret not: just because iWear isn't real, it doesn't mean you still can't dress like Steve for Halloween.
The Onion: Apple announces Friend Bar
The Onion makes with the funny in this satirical video short about the "Apple Friend Bar," a new section of Apple Stores where Apple fans can go to discuss major issues at length, such as how much better Safari is than any other browser, or "what 'the Woz' has been up to." As usual, they pretty much hit the nail on the head for the stereotypical Apple fan -- I especially laughed at the improv troupe joke. Stay tuned near the end for a joke about an in-home Apple Store -- at a cost of over $6000, it is fairly expensive, but then Apple products never are cheap. I'd love to have an Apple Store in my house right now, actually: maybe it would have an iPhone 4 in stock for me. You can watch the embedded video after the break.
Apple 'Friend Bar' will coddle and nourish your inner fanboy (video)
Do you find there aren't enough hours in the day to sing Apple's praises to the fullest? Does your list of deities begin with Steve and end with Mr. Jobs? If so, you'll want to make your way to your nearest Apple Store nice and quickly. That most reliable source of news before they happen, The Onion, reports Apple is about to open up a Friend Bar, where folks with AppleCare warranties and an unhealthy devotion to The Fruit can spout off about anything to employees trained to handle their inanity. Genius Bar productivity is said to have skyrocketed since the introduction of the new Friend staff, but don't take our word for it, skip past the break to see the 100 percent genuine news report in full.
Master Chief Sings: a 19-disc set of John 117's best
With all of that space travel going on, there's got to be plenty of downtime for the last Spartan in existence. Sure, Master Chief can just hop into a cryo-chamber and saw some wood between Halo games -- but every now and then, when nobody's around, MC likes to exercise the old pipes. You would not believe how dynamic his range is, clearly exhibited in the video past the break from IGN. Oh, and before you watch the video (and inevitably call that number to order your own set), know that we think we've finally figured out John 117's identity: Michael McDonald. [Via LazyGamer]
"Wait Wait" goes after the iPad
We love Peter Sagal and the gang, but they certainly jumped ugly with the iPad on this week's episode of NPR's quiz show Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me. In a segment of fake confessions from public figures, announcer Carl Kasell stood in for Steve Jobs and admitted "It's just a big iPhone without the phone." Tell it to the NPR iPad app team, why don't you? They seem pretty excited about the new device... in fact, quite a few NPR listeners are potential iPad buyers, although you'd be hard-pressed to know it from the cranky comments on this post. The funny business continued as Sagal skewered the iPad: "Fans of the new device say it is just a little more expensive than other computers that do a lot more things. But it has the advantage of being slightly more difficult to use. See, in a regular laptop, sending an email is no big deal. But on the iPad, it's a personal triumph over adversity." Spoken like someone who hasn't used one yet. Just to put the icing on the cake, the contestant actually had an iPad in hand while she called into the show, leading Sagal to comment "Yeah, it's amazing; immediately we go from like, you know, posture of mockery to, ooh, you have one?" How quickly they turn. Of course, when he asked the contestant how she liked her iPad, she replied "I love it very much" -- but then when he pressed her on what she could do with it that she couldn't do before, she promptly admitted "Nothing." Oy. This week's WWDTM features panelists Luke Burbank, Kyrie O'Connor and Adam Felber (a personal favorite). You can read the transcript here or just listen to the opening "Who's Carl This Time" segment, but we recommend subscribing to the weekly podcast. P.S. Did you know that NPR listeners, compared to the average US citizen, are twice as likely to be Mac users? Intriguing.
Mega64 explains the appeal and letdown of Sonic ... the restaurant
If you were to ask us what to expect from most fast food joints, we'd probably tell you to look inside your garbage can and basically expect that -- but, y'know, inside of your stomach. We don't know; it's all the same pre-processed, assembly line garbage to us and we manage to successfully avoid it for the most part. But the Mega64 dudes instead find themselves in an almost perpetual, Groundhog Day-like loop when it comes to one particular establishment: Sonic. Even though each trip usually makes the guys wish they never went in the first place, the thought of returning oddly enough fills them with hope that things will be different each and every time, only to suffer the grim realization again. It's such a departure for Mega64, but we can't help but feel like there's some kind of correlation to a current gaming news item in here -- so we thought we'd post this to see what you all think they're talking about. While we think on it, head past the break and check out the video.
iPhone user survey gives excuses to dump gadget-undesirable romantic partners
My beloved fiancé, It is with great sadness that I write you at home to your Gmail account to inform you that I am intending to sell your ring on Ebay and we will part ways. You see, ours was a mixed relationship to begin with. You have your Windows 7, your Linux, your original Android phone from T-Mobile in the UK. I have my iPhone, my iMac and everything good that's Apple (and even a few pieces that aren't). That's why I know it'll never work out between us. According to a recent study from Retrevo, iPhone owners believe that a "cool gadget" makes a person far more attractive than the measly doctorate you've spent years studying for. Every time we are together, I can't help but shudder over the fact that your Android phone is not of the latest generation. So forget the four years of history between us, the months of separation due to our being in two different countries, and the fact that you are a wonderful, kind, sweet, and intelligent man with a bright future ahead of you. I have someone else I think the world of, and it is my iPhone. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go watch adult material and post up an ad at Match.com for someone with a 3GS. Much love, Your dear departed Megan P.S. This letter is satire, I'm not dumping my fiance over his gadget preferences. Love you, honey!
WoW Moviewatch: Unreleased WoW Cataclysm trailer
Sure, the Cataclysm trailer was cool and all, but did it seem like it was missing a little something? That little something may have been the Wowcrendor touch. Fortunately, Wowcrendor has remade the trailer in his own unique style (he says on the YouTube page that it's an early cut Blizzard eventually scrapped for obvious reasons), and you can watch the result above.As with Wowcredor's other videos, the satire is piled on in heaps, from MS Paint-ed lava to a nice dig at rated battlegrounds, and a nice little coda about Barrens chat (given, that's a pretty big comedy target to hit, but Wowcrendor hits it anyway). Funny video, and proof that no matter how awesome Cataclysm sounds, odds are that we'll still be playing the same game with the same people. Interested in the wide world of machinima? We have new movies every weekday here on WoW Moviewatch! Have suggestions for machinima we ought to feature? Toss us an e-mail at machinima AT wow DOT com.
Bioware owns you... or at least your fan art
Games and fan art go together like mashed potatoes and gravy -- you just don't have one with out the other. But how would you feel if you found a legal disclaimer in your favorite game's website terms of service that claimed that any fan art you produce, regardless of your intentions, is owned by the game company just because you depicted the IP?That's what Woody Hearn from GU Comics found inside of the Bioware Tems of Service on the Star Wars: The Old Republic website. The paragraph in question (found in section 7 of the terms) essentially states that all fan art derived from any intellectual property of LucasArts and/or Bioware is explicitly the property of LucasArts and/or Bioware. So that stormtrooper picture that you drew? Yeah, it belongs to LucasArts.Hearn has already explicitly stated that GU Comics won't be featuring any more Star Wars: The Old Republic or other LucasArts / Bioware titles until the policy changes. While he is covered under the fair use law for satire, any other pieces drawn by other artists may not be.
Huge new Intel processor revealed
Even The Onion knows MIDs just aren't where the action is.
Zune gets a smackdown on Family Guy
As if the Microsoft Zune didn't have enough bad publicity, now the Fox Show Family Guy is beating up on the iPod competitor. In last night's episode, called "Ocean's Three and a Half", Carter Pewterschmidt asks Bill Gates for some help programming his Zune. Then Carter remembers he has an iPod, "like the rest of the world." Zing. Pow. Of course Apple doesn't escape the sharp scalpel of satire either. In American Dad, a Fox show from the creator of Family Guy, Roger the Alien thought he was facing certain death and said: "I'm going to be dead, and I have two more years of AppleCare." Rim shot. Clank. Here's a Hulu link to the clip from the show last night, and you can also watch the entire episode from the same link. Thanks to Nick and John for the heads up. I've just got to start watching more television.
Queue queue moar noob
It's 10:40 p.m. EST on my server and there is a 30 minute wait to login with a queue of over 300. Oh me oh my, time to get out my BlizzCon goodie bag and head for the QQ n00b tissues.Many users across most of the servers, both in the U.S. and E.U., are reporting long queues again. While the population always seems to uptick around this time of year, one has to raise an eyebrow at this happening a second time in as many months.November was understandable. Wrath was a big deal. But after a week or so the queues died down. Is this just the second insurgent of Wrath's wrath?One can surmise that a large number of people received Wrath as a Christmas gift. The assumption is probably correct. Another popular theory is that with all the vacation time on folk's plate right now, people are using it to log into the game and enjoy a bit of Northrend adventuring.
Breakfast Topic: Should raid progression even be tracked anymore?
With the ease of Wrath of the Lich King raiding we're seeing guilds kill boss after boss at an alarming rate. And I'm not just talking about 5-man heroic bosses (those seem a bit hard, actually). I'm not even talking about 10-man bosses (easy cake). I'm talking about the big bad sorry excuse for a boss that is 25-man raiding.Some guilds can roll their face over the keyboard and kill something.Others just have their cat play with the mouse and keyboard for a couple hours.Still others are hiring 25 monkeys to sit in a room together clapping their hands while throwing feces at the screen. The occasional flick of their tail hits the keyboard and presses any of the numerous iWin buttons currently in game that automatically kills a level 83 mob. While the monkeys are doing this and other disgusting acts, they're also writing Shakespearian dramas, fixing the economy, bailing out the auto industry and homeowners, and ending all wars through creating world peace.This is what 25-man raiding has become. It's so easy a caveman monkey could do it!Do boss kills even count for anything anymore? Not really, no.
The Simpsons take on 'Mapple'
As Dave and Mike discussed during last night's talkcast, Sunday's episode of The Simpsons included plenty of wink-wink-nudge-nudge references to our favorite fruit company. (The video is also available on Hulu.com.) Lisa discovers a "Mapple store" has appeared in the Springfield Mall, complete with "myPods," "myPhones," and even a "Brainiac Bar." Comic Book Guy wants to know why OS 4.2 is built so poorly, and Krusty the Klown wants to get rid of his myPod. Mapple CEO "Steve Mobbs" also makes an appearance, with typical Simpsons hilarity ensuing. While not particularly biting social commentary, the sketch pokes fun at Apple Mapple customers' willingness to shell out big bucks for their products. The Simpsons have taken on Apple before, with the now-famous Newton "eat up Martha" gag. You might say this is one more thing to add to the list of gags that The Simpsons have done. In the words of Steve Mobbs and Steve Jobs, it's "insanely great." Thanks to everyone who sent this in!
