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Elon Musk is poaching 'The Onion' staff for a comedy project
The one certainty about Elon Musk is that no two startups will be closely related: he has been responsible for city guides, online payments, electric cars, spacecraft, open AI and transportation tunnels. And that trend isn't about to stop any time soon, it appears. Daily Beast sources has learned that Musk has lured several workers from satire site The Onion to work on a comedy project. Reportedly, former editor in chief Cole Bolton and former executive editor Ben Berkley have been working on the project ever since they left The Onion in 2017, and have poached both three writers and an editor in the meantime.
Uber Seize parody is more 'Grand Theft Auto,' less ridesharing
People may rag on Uber for its tendency to play fast and loose with the law, but they don't have a patch on The Onion's parody version of the ridesharing outfit. The site just posted a video introducing "Uber Seize," a mock service tier that would let you swipe cars to get where you're going. Instead of simply hailing a ride, you'd pick a target vehicle and go all Grand Theft Auto on the hapless driver. No, this isn't going to show up in real life any time soon (we sure hope not), but it's funny to imagine Uber taking its vision of disruptive transportation to a logical extreme.
Facebook is testing a 'satire' tag to help you figure out what's real and what's not
Sure, you're smart enough to know that "New Study Finds Humans Shouldn't Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together" is a headline from well-known satirical publication The Onion. But not everyone is, which could lead to some misdirected -- and embarrassing -- outrage. That could be a thing of the past, however, as Facebook is currently testing a "Satire" tag that'll distinguish fake news from the real deal. Ars Technica found that if you click through an Onion article, for example, Facebook would then automatically tag related articles with the aforementioned "satire" text in the headline (see screenshot after the break). A Facebook spokesperson confirmed this with the following statement: "We are running a small test which shows the text '[Satire]' in front of links to satirical articles in the related articles unit in News Feed. This is because we received feedback that people wanted a clearer way to distinguish satirical articles from others in these units." As Ars Technica notes, this doesn't seem to apply to all parody sites and is only for related article headlines so far. And, honestly, we're not sure if a "satire" tag is a great idea -- maybe you should be made fun of if you actually think stories like these are true. In the mean time, we're holding out hope for a "Check Snopes before posting" reminder instead.
Got a question? Try the Onion Magic Answer Ball
Are you the kind of person who is constantly asking for advice? Do you need a little reinforcement before that big decision? The wonderful satirists at The Onion have just the app for you. It's called the Magic Answer Ball. I'd call it a parody of the old round balls you'd find at the gag store that you shake and an answer to your question pops up floating in the liquid goo that is inside. This US$0.99 app dispenses with the gooey liquid and uses your iPhone instead. Ask your question (no voice recognition here), shake your iPhone and a highly irrelevant answer will come up. Just like Siri. Sometimes. You can share it all on Facebook. If you're so indecisive that you can't think of a question, the app generates some new ones every day, like "Should I buy a riverboat?" and "Do my victims ever think about me?" The app is fun, and might be good to break out at a company holiday party when things are going slow, as is often the case at those things. I did ask the app if I should spend money on it. The answer: "Not if we have anything to say about it." So there you are. %Gallery-142233%
Should unemployed Americans buy Apple gear? The Onion weighs in
The Onion, one of our favorite sources for fake news, has done a talking heads analysis of whether the unemployed should buy Apple computers. In typical Onion fashion, they miss the point -- on purpose. The consensus? Of course the unemployed should buy Apples! You can do graphic design and look cool at Starbucks. The only person with a semi-reasonable point winds up getting tossed off the show for knowing nothing about the problem. As one analyst mentioned: "I didn't know that we'd be drinking the Apple Kool-Aid here." For a good dose of said Kool-Aid, check out the video either on the free Onion app, or on the next page.
The Onion imagines Apple's first product release under Tim Cook
In a week filled with Verizon iPhone sales and analyst expectations, it is nice to have some humorous stories to break things up. Thanks to The Onion, Apple fans can take a look ahead at the first big announcement of a product spearheaded by interim CEO Tim Cook. The fleshy version of the MacBook was described as being "cutting-edge" by Cook and "disgusting" by those in the audience who had the privilege of experiencing the product first-hand. This latest MacBook version features shave-able USB ports, an eye-enhanced camera, keratinized keyboard and is available with a flesh-like surface that sheds monthly. The latest notebook to grace Apple's illustrious lineup also includes advanced auditory controls that provide users with life-like reactions, such as snoring when put to sleep, yelling when woken up and moaning when the battery is low. This spectacle of a device is available in 13-, 15- and 17-inch models that are powered by a 2.4 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Pricing for the 13-inch model will begin at $1299. Accessories for preventing systemic bacterial infection, cleaning the DVD teeth and curtailing arousal will be available soon after launch. For all the gory details, click through to The Onion and prepare to be shocked for a good laugh.
The Onion: Apple announces Friend Bar
The Onion makes with the funny in this satirical video short about the "Apple Friend Bar," a new section of Apple Stores where Apple fans can go to discuss major issues at length, such as how much better Safari is than any other browser, or "what 'the Woz' has been up to." As usual, they pretty much hit the nail on the head for the stereotypical Apple fan -- I especially laughed at the improv troupe joke. Stay tuned near the end for a joke about an in-home Apple Store -- at a cost of over $6000, it is fairly expensive, but then Apple products never are cheap. I'd love to have an Apple Store in my house right now, actually: maybe it would have an iPhone 4 in stock for me. You can watch the embedded video after the break.
Apple 'Friend Bar' will coddle and nourish your inner fanboy (video)
Do you find there aren't enough hours in the day to sing Apple's praises to the fullest? Does your list of deities begin with Steve and end with Mr. Jobs? If so, you'll want to make your way to your nearest Apple Store nice and quickly. That most reliable source of news before they happen, The Onion, reports Apple is about to open up a Friend Bar, where folks with AppleCare warranties and an unhealthy devotion to The Fruit can spout off about anything to employees trained to handle their inanity. Genius Bar productivity is said to have skyrocketed since the introduction of the new Friend staff, but don't take our word for it, skip past the break to see the 100 percent genuine news report in full.
The Onion: Google 'whisper ads' detect keywords in phone calls (video)
Oh man, The Onion really outdid itself this time. Its latest tech parody takes on ad-supported phones from Google meant to drive down the device's cost. Funny, because it's true. Users won't even remember a time when they didn't have a second voice whispered in their ear. P.S. The Yahoo dig at the end is classic.
The Onion turns us on to new, better devices
It's smaller, has fewer buttons, and comes saddled with an aspirational price tag. You want it, right? "The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," company spokesman Thomas Wakefield told The Onion -- and we're inclined to agree. After all, the consumer electronics industry isn't just about buying items that will improve your quality of life. No, it's also about pressing your buttons, finding ways to make you feel good about a brand -- whether through totally rad product placement or ample, yet vague, product specs. All in all, we can't say it better than a certain Robert Larson: "The new device brings me satisfaction." And you can't put a price on that, can you? Available soon for $395.
New iPhone only visible to most loyal customers, claims The Onion
Can you spot the poseurs?
Huge new Intel processor revealed
Even The Onion knows MIDs just aren't where the action is.
The Onion creates MacBook Wheel parody
There's a great history of Apple parodies in pop culture, and the latest one from The Onion is particularly funny. The fictional "MacBook Wheel" replaces the traditional keyboard with a large, touch-sensitive scroll wheel. As the Apple representative demonstrates, typing "...couldn't be simpler." Just use the wheel to scroll from letter to letter via an on-screen keyboard, pressing the center button to make a selection. Easy, right?You've got to admire the effort that the folks at The Onion put into this, including the posters and set at the Apple "booth," the employee's uniform and the sweet video of the Wheel in action. They've also nailed Apple's typical release schedule, saying that "...The MacBook Wheel won't hit the shelves for another three to fifteen months." Good job, Onion! We noted the vid on Twitter last night but thought you all deserved a look.Click below to watch the video.
MacBook Wheel revealed by the Onion News Network
I never really realized how nuch I hated keybroads untill I saw this thing. Sent from my MacBook Wheel [Thanks to everyone who sent this in]
The Onion pits Snow Leopard against Windows 7, everyone wins
After that earlier piece on global e-waste, we thought you might want something to lighten the mood. Fortunately, The Onion is ready with a sardonic, blood-shot eye turned to the respective OS releases on the way from Cupertino and Redmond. Click on through for the full comparison while we pack up things from this lame, euro coffee shop. [Via Daring Fireball]
Mark 3/21 on your calendar for the Apple Backlash
Thank goodness there are still genuine journalists out there who are willing to cover the important stories that nobody else bothers to investigate. According to vestigial organ The Onion, Apple Inc.'s goodwill with customers -- already stretched thin by iPhone price cuts and Leopard delays -- is bound to hit a limit sooner or later, and the smart money is on next spring. March 20-22, in fact, are the days pinpointed by Wall Street analysts for the high-flying company to lose the faith of its notoriously loyal consumer base.From to the story in this week's issue:"At the current rate, we believe that at this time a sea change will occur in which people will look down at their glossy white or black devices and feel a sense of embarrassment and gullibility," Goldman Sachs analyst Steven Shore said. "They will realize that, despite all the sleek design, they got caught up in a wave of hype that made them shell out additional hundreds of dollars for options and features they didn't need. Until then, I would like to point out that my iPhone is awesome."Despite past positive coverage from The Onion of Apple's products, including a prescient piece on iPhone obsolescence and a remarkable and largely unnoticed meta-product-launch-launch, it seems that the stories on the fruit-flavored company coming from this multi-layered paper are going to have a bitter, lachrymose edge from now on.For our readers outside the USA, please note that The Onion is a parody newspaper.
The Onion says Apple backlash set for March 21st, 2008
With all of the hype and excitement surrounding Apple products, it's clear that the company has created a climate for a massive and sustained backlash. Well, according to a new report in The Onion, Wall Street forecasters have set a date for the tide to turn: March 21st, 2008. According to Goldman Sachs analyst Steven Shore, a shift in attitude will occur which will cause users of the Cupertino juggernaut's products to, "Look down at their glossy white or black devices and feel a sense of embarrassment and gullibility." Shore went on the say, "They will realize that, despite all the sleek design, they got caught up in a wave of hype that made them shell out additional hundreds of dollars for options and features they didn't need." The report claims that Apple will respond to the news with the release of a mint-green iPod in late October, though we have our doubts that the company is considering anything lighter than emerald.
The Onion lampoons habitual headset wearer on a date
We don't get it -- is there supposed to be something wrong with this behavior?
Sousaphone Hero not living up to expectations
Self-proclaimed "America's finest news source" The Onion reports that Activision's latest virtual-instrument title, Sousaphone Hero, isn't selling as well as the company had hoped, despite a $25M development budget, innovative wireless sousaphone controller, and versions available for PS3, 360, and Wii. Complaints range from the title's $345 price tag, repetitive gameplay, lack of non-marching-band music, and unresponsive "oompah" meter, while pro sousaphone players have taken umbrage at the lack of realism in the game. "The fingering's completely different, for starters," according to one sousaphonist The Onion interviewed. The report also says Activision is considering shelving three more planned Hero titles due to the tepid response, including the hotly-anticipated Cymbal Hero. Looks like the golden age of marching bands is truly at an end.[Via Joystiq]
The Onion: Sousaphone Hero not catching on
Sad news today for fans of Sousaphone Hero, that shining hope for lovers of video games and the great marches of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. According to satire site The Onion, the game has sold only 52 copies in its first week of release. Boy, are our faces red, especially considering we've been touting the game's promise, despite its striking resemblance to Japanese favorite SousaphoneFreaks.The publication does make some good points though, especially the one about the game costing $345, a price that was intimidating even with the pack-in spats that could sense the player's marching steps. We also understand the complaints about the 100-pound controller. Perhaps the saddest news in all of this though is that the low numbers have lead to the cancellation of Cymbal Hero, Glockenspiel Hero and Steam Calliope Hero. For lovers of oom-pah music, it would seem, the forecast is sis-boom-bad.
