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Head for the hills: Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark sequel has been cast
Not to be confused with the upcoming Alone in the Dark game we're anticipating like a Pit cosplayer on Valentine's Day, Bloody-Disgusting is reporting that Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark 2 film has, unfortunately, been cast. Rick Yune (Fast and the Furious, Die Another Day), Lance Hendriksen (Pumpkinhead, Aliens) and Ralf Moeller (Far Cry, Postal, Seed) will star in the film centered around a group of witch hunters tracking down a witch named Elisabeth Dexter. Sounds ... exciting? Alone in the Dark 2 will begin shooting August 6 in LA and New York. Gather your torches and pitchforks.
Uwe Boll lands distribution deal for trio of films
Confrontational and often criticized film director Uwe Boll, known for such stellar standouts like Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne adaptations, has signed with Freestyle Releasing for the distribution of three films: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal and Seed, the latter notable for not being adapted from a video game.The Dungeon Siege adaptation is due out January 18 in 2,500 theaters across North America, which means you'll likely have a chance to witness it, should you honestly choose to pay for it. (Given Boll's history and the film's long-delayed release, we're not expecting much.) Postal will actually beat Dungeon Siege to theaters, slated for September 28. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Boll said that "the film likely will open on 500 screens and grow from there based on box office."When the games come out, you'll finally be able to judge for yourself. Be careful what you say, however: you might end up on the other end of a directorial uppercut.
Nintendo looking for the next Uwe Boll
Have you ever watched the 1993 film Super Mario Bros. and thought "Hey, I could make a better Nintendo movie than that!"? You're not alone. Studies show that a majority of humans who have ever lived have had that thought at some point, including a young Uwe Boll (we all saw how that turned out) and Ed Wood, which is scientifically silly. Now, Nintendo's giving amateur filmmakers the chance to show that they can do justice to the Nintendo brand ... as long as they can do it in under 5 minutes.The top three entries in the Nintendo Short Cuts Showcase will be screened at Rockefeller Center next month and the pick of the litter gets its maker a trip to NYC, $10,000 and a meeting with Craig Hatkoff, co-founder of the Tribeca Film Festival, who promises to listen intently show up. All you need to be considered is a 3-5 minute movie that in some way relates to Nintendo and is submitted to them by June 6. Oh, and you have to be better than this guy, which is impossible. Good luck!
First Postal III screens emerge, bore
If you're Running With Scissors, and you're dropping the first images of the next iteration of your controversial yet uniformly bad Postal series, would you go with barren city streets? Or would you put out screens of Gary Coleman humping a zebra being ridden by Osama bin Laden, or whatever it is exactly that happens in Postal games? Well, we hope you chose the first option, because that's what you're getting.Maybe we're just not looking close enough. Do you see anything shaped like a racial stereotype, even if you squint? No, neither do we. Well, hey, maybe the Postal brand is being moved away from clumsy attempts at "edginess" or mediocrity? Nope, negative on both counts. Wait, that's it! Maybe the most surprising thing that Running With Scissors can do at this point is not depict a gun barrel being put in a cat's anus! Maybe to be truly offensive is to defy our expectations. Or, you know, maybe they're just early shots. It's one of the two.
Warren Ellis planning on three Castlevania films
The official blog of the straight-to-DVD animated Castlevania film that Warren Ellis is writing has become a veritable minefield of information for fans to stagger across and then be blown up by. For example: Ellis (the genius behind comics like Planetary and Transmetropolitan) feels that the story of the film, which is based on Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse, should be broken into three chunks. Also, pirate Grant DeNasty won't be included, or at least not in the first 80-minute film.There's a lot of encouraging info here, especially the post about making a film for adults, and it's well worth poring over. While there's still not a really clear picture of what sort of film this will be, it's already looking better than any videogame adaptation Uwe Boll has ever made. Of course, the same could be said of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie and it was based on trading cards. So hopefully Ellis has set his sights a bit higher than beating Boll.[via GameSetWatch]
NY Post: "Pariah" Uwe Boll unapologetic over 9/11 clip
The mainstream press, represented here by the New York Post (New York's other paper), is talking about the desperately controversial trailer for Uwe Boll's latest "low-rent shock-value ploy" (thanks, Cinematical), Postal, and they don't seem to have much nice to say about it. Coupled with responses from 9/11 victim's family members is Uwe's trademark bravado, making for an awkward (yet unnervingly satisfying) juxtaposition. Our favorite part? When Uwe says the 9/11 crash clip was being viewed "out of context." Wait, you mean to tell us that 24 second teaser for a movie that isn't even in theaters was somehow viewed out of context? Well, how'd that happen?[Via GamePolitics]
Uwe Boll responds to 9/11 'Postal' criticism, pats himself on back
The internet went ballistic over a teaser clip from schlock director Uwe Boll's coming film adaptation of schlock video game Postal. The clip seems to poke fun at the 9/11 attacks in a hamfisted, stupid way. A truly talented person can find humor in any tragedy. But is Boll, who directed the film versions of BloodRayne and House of the Dead, that kind of talent? The answer, clearly, is no. Boll disagrees.In his response to criticism over the clip, Boll self-righteously calls his film a "necessary wake-up call" and compares it to Monty Python's masterpiece, Life of Brian. That's right, a movie based on an utterly boring video game is in the same league as one of the greatest comedy touchstones in history.To call Boll a "bloviating hack" is to insult the English language by referring to him with words and not a series of guttural grunts, obscene gestures, and bodily excretions. But excretions don't really come across that well in a blog. Maybe this "Web 2.0" we keep hearing about will remedy that.
Anti-masterpiece theater presents: Postal
Critically bashed, critic-bashing and chronically inept filmmaker, Uwe Boll, has once again edited together a sequence of disparate and decidedly amateurish sequences into something loosely resembling a movie. No doubt risking some sort of infection, the folks at 1UP have embedded a NSFW and NSFH (Not Safe for Humanity) trailer of his latest videogame adaptation, Postal, into one of their pages. They're certainly a brave lot.Powered by Z-grade star power and disturbing nudity, the trailer boldly declares the film's intention to be the most disgusting and most offensive piece of celluloid known to man.So, just the usual Boll film then.[Thanks, Jonah]Watch -- Postal Trailers (yes, plural)
Vince Desi is a giant prick in Postal
Game Set Watch has managed to obtain a handful of images of Postal creator Vince Desi filming his cameo for the upcoming Uwe Boll adaptation. Desi plays Krotchy, a giant penis, and it appears he will be in a penis suit for the duration of his screen time.Gamasutra also netted an interview with Desi. Where he talks about Postal 3, the decision to use the Source engine, and his reasons for going with Uwe Boll for the movie. Postal 3 is scheduled for an Xbox 360 release sometime in 2008.
Uwe Boll to make BloodRayne 2, anger more gamers
Someone, for the love of every video game ever made into a movie, PLEASE stop Uwe Boll. We mean physically stop the guy. Find out where he's shooting, go out there, and take the camera away from him. Be sure to destroy any writing utensils or anything he might use to draw with as well.Why? Because he's recently announced that he's making BloodRayne 2. That's right, a sequel to what people have been calling one of the worst films of the past few years. Don't forget, Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith came out in the last few years and so did Aeon Flux, Elektra, Son of the Mask, and The Pacifier.The movie, like the first one, will no doubt have nothing to do with the game, but will have everything to do with sucking. That's despite the presence of Kristanna Loken, who really needs to take Uwe's number out of her cell phone.
Uwe Boll does something awful to another critic
Anti-filmmaker Uwe Boll has beaten another one of his critics completely senseless -- and this time it was in a boxing ring, not a darkened cinema. Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka of Something Awful infamy was the second to fall to the raging Boll's flying fists in a PR-driven series of boxing matches. Like any dignified artist, Boll vowed to silence critics by punching them in the face, proving once and for all that ... well, we're not sure what exactly this proves. We know he's a good boxer, at least. In a video interview after the match, Kyanka amusingly points out that he now detests Uwe Boll not as a movie misdirector, but as a human being. According to the pummeled pundit, Boll offered to give his victims training beforehand and promised that his punches would be just for show. Quite apparently, that was not the case (video embedded after the break). Regardless, it now becomes clear that critics played right into Boll's gloved ham-hands. The selected participants arguably never stood a chance, something the video game violator well aware of in his struggle for Pyrrhic victory. Punching out a critic does not make his films any less craptacular and the whole fiasco has made him look like a fight-makes-right psychopath. 1UP contributor, Albert Art, snapped some pictures at the event and even conducted a brief interview with Boll. When asked why he continues to make video game films, Boll responds with an enlightening, "I keep doing video game based movies because look why not, all the comic-book get made into movies, even comics that sold 2000 copies there are movies out from it, why like big famous videos games shouldn't turn into movies." That about says it all. [Thanks, albertart and VGM!]Read - Something Awful's forum respondsRead - Albert Art's event coverage and interviewWatch - Video interview with Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka after the matchWatch - Boll's previous boxing match
Uwe "I make crappy game movies" Boll silences his first critic
Uwe Boll (the man responsible for making a mockery of video game movies -- all three of his video game movies appear on IMDB's Bottom 100 list) finally managed to silence one of his critics yesterday. He didn't do it by making a movie worth squat, but by applying his fists to the mouth of Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello, webmaster of Cine Cutre. Despite his inability to satisfy film critics (or perhaps because of it) Boll's no idiot. First, he knows how to box. Second, he's selected a bunch of pudgy web geeks (not unlike yours truly) to face him in the ring. Of course he's going to win. At least Boll's good at something.
Alone in the Dark pics, unbelievably scary
Alone in the Dark 5 looks gorgeous. That's really all there is to say about these images. Well, that, and they're really scary -- almost as scary as Uwe Boll. After all, the game is set in Central Park, the scariest place on earth. If you haven't looked into this game yet, be sure and check out the official site for more creepy goodness. We have to ask, who wants this game, and who wants it right now?
Internet casino sponsoring "Raging Boll" event
Widely known for his anti-masterpieces, House of the Dead, Bloodrayne and Alone in the Dark, German film director Uwe Boll drew plenty of internet ire in June by sending out a public challenge to his (many, many) detractors. Like any civilized and intelligent human being, Boll decided that the best way to deal with those that disagreed with his artistic vision for videogame adaptations was to punch them in the face, grr! The invitation urged haters to fly to Vancouver and meet the German in the boxing ring for a one-on-one session of metaphorically rich pummeling. Internet casino Goldenpalace.com has issued a press release stating that they will be the ones to sponsor the event, now dubbed "Raging Boll."Naturally, the prestige gained from having your event backed by an internet casino cannot be overstated. The joint's CEO, Richard Rowe, notes that Boll's attention grab is refreshingly ridiculous. "We receive so many outlandish offers for advertising exposure that it is refreshing to see something that surprises even us. That is why we decided to get involved. This has gotten so much attention so far, and we can't wait to see how it will turn out." Before starting proper on 23 September, Uwe will stop off in Spain to battle Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello, a critic who has already vowed to Kill Boll (challenge video embedded in the latter section of the post). After that bout, Boll will face Something Awful's Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, Jeff Sneider from Ain't It Cool News, Chris Alexander of Rue Morgue and Nelson Chance Minter from Website Critic. All the fights will be filmed for inclusion in Boll's Postal film, no doubt rendered vaguely entertaining by showing his face deteriorating over the course of the event. It may even prove to be beneficial to his career -- a few brutal blows to the head might be just the thing to bring him to his senses. Perhaps then he'll realize how difficult it is to hold on to credibility when you've got boxing gloves on your hands.[Via GameSetWatch]
Boll adds Something Awful to punchout list
The man every gamer loves to hate has accepted an application to knock out (or get knocked out by) one of his many critics: Something Awful's Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka. Like a man of his word, Uwe Boll will not back down from those who seek to knock him from his throne of cinema la crap.So, unrelenting in their constant Boll-bashing, Something Awful is ready to step up to the plate and take one for the team: "I sent Mr. Boll an email, asking him if his offer still stood. Would he still fly me up to participate in one of his unintentionally horrific non-horror films, this time with the lure of physically kicking the snot out of me on film? Well folks, I'm proud to say the answer was 'yes.'"I wonder if Boll truly knew what he was getting into when he opened his big mouth. Perhaps he wouldn't be as hated around the Internets if he wasn't so outspoken about everything. Mr. Boll, please do us all a favor, shut your trap and try your hardest not to make movies that make us feel abused and insulted.[Via Destructoid]
Now's your chance to throw down with Uwe
Truth is indeed stranger than fiction, unless that fiction is the work of German film-butcher Uwe Boll, in which case its ability to destroy brain cells while melting your ocular receptors is pretty darn strange in and of itself. Otherwise, truth is stranger. Like when Sir Uwe released a press statement urging his critics to "put up or shut up!" Seriously. If you published at least two negative reviews of any of Uwe's films before 2006, either online or in print, submit proof to info@boll-kg.de and (if yours were especially mean) you could be selected as one of five lucky winners to throw down with Uwe in a 10-bout match. There are some caveats: you can't have two X chromosomes (sorry ladies); you have to be between 140 and 190 pounds (sorry skinny kung-fu guys); you can't ask for money (sorry opportunists). All you get is a hotel room in Vancouver and the possible lifelong satisfaction of knowing that the entire gaming community was living through you, vicariously, while you pounded on Uwe.
Pac-Man: The Movie, not coming to any theaters near you
In my opinion, the concept behind this home-made trailer for a fictional Pac-Man movie surpasses that of any other full length movie based on a game. Not that it's got much competition. Choice quote: "It looked like some kind of man, some kind of... Pac-man."[Thanks, Justin]
Metal Gear Solid movie confirmed definitively
Metal Gear Solid creator, Hideo Kojima, has already ruled out Uwe Boll ("it's impossible") as a directorial candidate of a possible cinematic adaptation of the celebrated series, without confirming that such a project was even under way ... until now, that is. Gamespot reports that the Kojima Productions spoof of the E3 Show Daily, dubbed "Show Maybe," teases, "In a late-breaking surprise announcement, director Hideo Kojima revealed that his most famous creation -- Metal Gear Solid -- is getting the live-action treatment."On the back page Kojima writes, "I have received many offers to adapt Metal Gear Solid. It has taken a long time, but we have finally settled on an arrangement ... False facts aside, a movie project is underway. I have finalized a Class-A contract with a party in Hollywood." Now that the cat's out of the bag, expect periodic updates leading up to the 2007 release of Metal Gear Solid 4. Who's directing? Whose starring? For once, fans can't complain about lengthy cut scenes!
Uwe leaves Razzies empty-handed
Now that the Oscars have come and gone, we cannot help but recall the "winners" of this year's Golden Rasberry Awards. Last month, director Uwe Boll had decreed that "it is a great honour" to be nominated for a Razzie...under the category for "Worst Director." As Mr. Boll put it, "I take every prize I get." Sorry, Mr. Boll, but unfortunately you could not even win that prize. Instead, director John Asher took home the dubious award for his picture Dirty Love, starring girlfriend Jenny McCarthy. While he may have gone home empty-handed, Uwe Boll might feel more comfortable knowing that his thriller Bloodrayne is #20 worst film (according to IMDB), while Dirty Love isn't even in the bottom 100. Better luck next year!
Bracing ourselves for House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim
Lock the doors! Board up the windows! Protect your brains! The sequel to cinematic-hack Uwe Boll's House of the Dead is coming and there's nothing you can do to keep it out of your house... it's being shown inside the house*! House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim is the low-budget, Sci-Fi channel sequel to Uwe's zombie crap-fest. The funny thing is, the creators obviously knew about the first one, and still wanted to make a sequel. In an interview with the screenwriters on Rotten Tomatoes (via Cathode Tan) one of them says, "House of the Dead 2 is a completely different movie, which is not tied to the first movie. The only thing both movies have in common is the title - and zombies, of course." While this is technically true, we'd be remiss if we didn't point out that the screenwriters were involved with another of Uwe's films: Alone in the Dark (which is considered by many to--somehow--be worse than the original House of the Dead).Cinematical has a post about how House of the Dead 2 was shot at the historic Ambassador Hotel, home to the Cocoanut Grove nightclub and the 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. The Ambassador was torn down in January to make way for a school, making House of the Dead 2 the hotel's last production... it ends not with a bang but with a whimper.*Not applicable to those who live outdoors.[Update: grammatical correction]
