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One million signatures to keep Uwe Boll directing
We feel kind of dirty giving any sort of attention to the cancerous boil on film directing that is Uwe Boll, but when the guy is acting this freaking weird we just can't help ourselves. Boll has followed up his offer to stop directing if an online petition against him reached 1,000,000 signatures with a heavily-accented YouTube video that manages to insult Eli Roth, Michael Bay, George Clooney and practically all of Hollywood as "fucking retards" that don't understand that Boll is "the only genius in the whole fucking business."While Tinseltown insults are all well and good, what really interested us was Boll's call for a "pro Boll petition" to counteract the anti-Boll forces. Boll said he "expect[s] a million votes, Pro Boll," and he's already well on his way, with a whopping 72 signatures so far on the Pro-Boll petition set up by FilmDrunk.com. That's a far cry from the 137,644 that have signed the anti-Boll petition as of this writing, but maybe it takes "the only genius in the whole fucking business" to understand the vagaries of the math involved.Watch the video and read a transcript of Boll's rant after the break.
One million signatures to end Uwe Boll's directing career
You'll never be able to get back those eight-and-a-half bucks you blew on your ticket for Uwe Boll's "Alone In The Dark", but those seeking revenge against the infamous German filmmaker will be pleased to know that a recent interview with FEARnet revealed a giant glowing weak point in his floundering directorial career -- amidst Nazi humor and PETA endorsements, Boll commented on a petition, currently at around 18,000 signatures, for him to forever put an end to his game franchise-defiling ways. It'll take more than that to derail his train of box office catastrophes, he claimed -- though one million signatures should do the trick.We doubt one million people have even been exposed to Boll's unique brand of sensory torment -- but still, this remains your best chance to fulfill any vendettas you may hold against the pugnacious producer. With enough door-to-door campaigning and MySpace chain letters, this lofty goal may be attainable. If not, we can always hold out hope for the merciful release of bankruptcy.
Upcoming MMO movies (and why they'll suck)
var digg_url = 'http://digg.com/pc_games/Upcoming_MMO_movies_and_why_they_ll_suck'; Dorothy Parker once said "The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism." While not technically plagiarism, the practice of mining popular properties of other media is a time-honored mainstay of Hollywood's. Why invent a new franchise when you can adapt one that already exists? Well, if we're talking about translating videogames to cinema, there are at least 3 reasons against that we can think of right away: Street Fighter: The Movie, Double Dragon, and Doom. Oh, and the entire body of work of Uwe Boll.With such a history of failure, why does Hollywood keep banking on videogames as good sources of material? Because it's always desperate for the next big hit, and adaptation is seen as being easier than originality, even though by now it's apparent that it's not quite as simple as it seems. An even better question is: why exactly don't these translations work? What is it about games that makes for poor films? Let's see if we can answer this question and assess the potential success/failure of some upcoming MMO movies.
Far Cry movie trailer is predictably terrible
With any luck, we won't be writing too many more posts announcing trailers for Uwe Boll's game-to-movie crapfests but, until that time comes, we feel it's our duty to bring this excrement to your attention (if only to be summarily panned in the comments). Here you are, cinéastes: Far Cry, An Uwe Boll Joint. Now look what you've done Ubisoft. Just when we were ready to be excited about this franchise again, you've licensed the property to the one man capable of making the name enough to turn our stomachs. Find out for yourself after the break.[Thanks, EternityInBlack]
LA Times: game narratives too 'weak' for movies, Uwe Boll agrees
Los Angeles Times Magazine spent some time breaking down the rules of Hollywood, schooling would-be fortune-seekers and laying down some hard truth: "Hollywood can't win at video games." Filmmakers are advised to avoid video games as source material because games' "weak narratives" haven't transitioned to the big screen as well as comics – a sentiment echoed by Uwe Boll during a recent Fox News interview; the infamous director declares, "A lot of video games have no story." (Yeah, especially light gun games.) But even something as intricately devised as the Halo universe doesn't seem to hold much promise in the eyes of Hollywood. Halo script re-writer Josh Olson (A History of Violence) complains that video games "have aimless cycles. You go to A, shoot some monsters, then go to B, then start over and do it again." Why argue?Historically, Hollywood has done a miserable job selecting games for film adaptation, while we've enjoyed plenty of strong narratives developed for and executed in games. We say: Why give Hollywood a chance to muck up the true gems? The game industry has nothing to prove to American cinema. Read - LA Times (subscription required; try: bugmenot)Watch - Uwe Boll on Fox News (warning: obnoxious)
Metareview - In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
We think it's safe to assume that everybody who's reading this is familiar with Uwe Boll and his auspiciously terrible body of work, which includes such gems as "Bloodrayne", "House of the Dead", and Rotten Tomatoes' second worst reviewed movie of all time, "Alone in the Dark". That's why it may surprise you to learn that Boll's latest (and possibly last) big-budget box office flop, "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale", is actually ... wretched, of course! Don't be silly.In this very special edition of Metareview, we're taking a look at the cream of the crop of the film's reviews, which have already provided us with more entertainment than the actual movie ever could. Join with us in our appreciation of these brave reviewers, who have unwittingly tacked their own names onto Boll's lengthy "to be punched in the face repeatedly" list. Sam Adams - Los Angeles Times: "Uwe Boll isn't the worst director in the world, but In the Name of the King might be more enjoyable if he were." Dustin Putman - TheMovieBoy.com: "[The movie] would be irredeemable if not for its near-brilliant ability to give the viewer douche chills for 127 solid minutes." Jim Lane - Sacramento News and Review: "It's like a Florida dinner theater production of The Lord of the Rings, though it's not without enjoyment if you're in a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 frame of mind." Scott Weinberg - Cinematical: "If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Uwe Boll just spent 126 minutes telling Peter Jackson how thin, talented and gorgeous he is." Joe Leydon - Variety: "Doug Taylor's script, loosely based on the "Dungeon Siege" vidgame, is a lazy mash-up of cliched situations, grandiose speechifying and verbal anachronisms. But, then again, "In the Name of the King" is the sort of half-baked farrago that brings out the worst, or the least, in almost everyone involved."
There's a new trailer for Postal
"A religious charlatan (Foley), his mild mannered nephew (Ward) and a gang of bosomy commandos face off against Osama bin Laden and the Taliban in an epic battle that will determine the fate of the world in Postal, the latest film from controversial director Uwe Boll (BloodRayne). Boll roasts an entire herd of sacred cows and smashes taboos to smithereens in this over-the-top and hilariously subversive critique of modern day America."...We thought we'd kick off with the description of Postal straight from the site of this new trailer, just because there is literally no combination of consonants and vowels we could create that would be more entertaining than that. Also, we're happy for Uwe Boll's burning of sacred cows, but did one of them have to be Dave Foley? Dear, sweet Dave Foley! Where did things go so wrong?!
No more big-budget bombs for Boll
Bad news for Uwe Boll love-to-haters: the infamous German director and pouting pugilist will see his future endeavors financially constrained after his latest $70 million video game adaptation, "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale," set the box-office alight with all the effectiveness of two moist fish furiously rubbed together. The $3 million weekend opening marked the director's third consecutive failure to Boll audiences over, and with no more German tax shelter funds to rely on, it looks to be his last big-budget bomb.Not willing to throw in the raggedy towel just yet, Uwe Boll (pronounce it correctly, please!) told The Hollywood Reporter that he plans to focus on smaller cinematic explosives. Like grenades. "These are films that represent my true passion, and they can be done with small budgets," said Boll. Bad movie lovers (or lovers of bad movies) need not fear -- if this director's proven adept at anything in the last few years, it's working around a complete deficit of worthwhile resources.[Thanks, David]
New Dungeon Siege movie trailer is incredible
You may have seen an ad on this very site for Uwe Boll's upcoming In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Do yourself a favor: Head to the official website, go straight to the "Trailer" section and buckle in for the ride of your life. There's so much to enjoy here, we simply don't know where to begin. Should start by marveling at how Ray Liotta's main display of power seems to be making books spin around? Or is that too obvious?Should we mention some of the classic lines like "Those who you fight, we will help you fight them" and "Tomorrow we gouge evil from its shell"? Or should we note that while cool in movies like The Transporter, seeing Jason Statham (who's name is misspelled on the "Cast" page, natch) using martial arts in a medieval fantasy setting is totally rad? Honestly, we don't even know what you're still reading this for: You're about to witness the edge of reality.
You can kill Uwe Boll in Postal 3
We're not sure why you'd want to hurt Uwe Boll. Honestly, he's a dear, sweet man with a heart of gold. But apparently someone out there thinks that you've been hurt enough by his cinematic atrocities that you'd want to shoot his digi-version. The director will be placed into the upcoming Postal 3, according to developer Running With Scissors' president Vince Desi.Between BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, you have plenty of reasons to want to off Boll. But is it enough to tempt you to play the third in a series of games that has scored averages between 55 and 62 percent?
It's pronounced 'OOV-UH-BUHL' says 'EWW-BOHL'
MTV's Multiplayer blog continues its helpful pronunciation guide, this week shifting from Nintendo's Reggie "FEEH-SUH-MAY" to notorious something-resembling-filmmaker, Uwe Boll. The German director notes that if you're going to bash his next anti-masterpiece (and let's face it, you almost certainly will), at least have the decency to get his name right. It's not "YEW-EE" or "EEE-VEE," it's "OOV-UH.""OOV-UH-BUHL."All that's left is to apply this knowledge to everyday conversation: "I can't wait to see OOV-UH-BUHL's interpretation of Far Cry's thought-provoking plot!" "I left a message on OOV-UH-BUHL's answering machine. I do hope it's spelled correctly." "Wow, I was simply BUHLED OOV-UH by how bad that movie was."
Uwe Boll making movie based on nonexistent Wii game
Zombie Massacre is barely a glimmer in developer 1988 Games' collective eye. They've got a rocking concept-- you're driving into the center of a zombie-plagued city in a vintage convertible, attempting to drop off a nuclear weapon-- but no game at the time. No engine, no screenshots, just a concept. And controversial German "film director"/pugilist Uwe Boll is already after it.That's fine, though. It would be impossible to ruin a silly, campy concept like that, even if you are the brains (braaaaains) behind the House of the Dead movie. It lends itself to light-hearted horror/comedy. "I want to make this movie more creepy than House of the Dead, which was intended to be funny and campy," said Boll. "I'd like Zombie Massacre to be a harsh zombie movie like 28 Days Later."We stand corrected. Apparently it is possible to ruin that concept. The man is a master of what he does.[Via Game|Life]
Uwe Boll lands distribution deal for trio of films
Confrontational and often criticized film director Uwe Boll, known for such stellar standouts like Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne adaptations, has signed with Freestyle Releasing for the distribution of three films: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal and Seed, the latter notable for not being adapted from a video game.The Dungeon Siege adaptation is due out January 18 in 2,500 theaters across North America, which means you'll likely have a chance to witness it, should you honestly choose to pay for it. (Given Boll's history and the film's long-delayed release, we're not expecting much.) Postal will actually beat Dungeon Siege to theaters, slated for September 28. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Boll said that "the film likely will open on 500 screens and grow from there based on box office."When the games come out, you'll finally be able to judge for yourself. Be careful what you say, however: you might end up on the other end of a directorial uppercut.
Anti-masterpiece theater presents: Postal
Critically bashed, critic-bashing and chronically inept filmmaker, Uwe Boll, has once again edited together a sequence of disparate and decidedly amateurish sequences into something loosely resembling a movie. No doubt risking some sort of infection, the folks at 1UP have embedded a NSFW and NSFH (Not Safe for Humanity) trailer of his latest videogame adaptation, Postal, into one of their pages. They're certainly a brave lot.Powered by Z-grade star power and disturbing nudity, the trailer boldly declares the film's intention to be the most disgusting and most offensive piece of celluloid known to man.So, just the usual Boll film then.[Thanks, Jonah]Watch -- Postal Trailers (yes, plural)
Kristanna Loken dumps Uwe Boll
Infamous video game director Uwe Boll is going to have to find a new "star" to drag through the mud. Kristanna Loken, star of two Boll films -- BloodRayne and the as-of-yet unreleased In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- has thrown the "engaged to be engaged" ring back in Uwe's face and has decided to move on to bigger and better things. BloodRayne 2 is just not in the Hollywood stars for Loken. Good move, Ms. Loken, Uwe just isn't good enough for you. Loken's official statement is that she's too busy working on Painkiller Jane, a Sci-Fi series. Replacing Loken as Rayne (and Uwe's next "fling") in BloodRayne 2 (the first one warranted a sequel?) is Natassia Malthe. After checking IMDB, we discovered that Malthe doesn't exactly have a stellar career of her own. We have to respectfully inform Ms. Malthe that those "Oscars" in Uwe's office are made of Papier-Mâchè. Loken's excuse for not working on a third Boll movie and reprising her role as Rayne is questionable. Maybe Loken decided it was about time to get out of the acting gutter and start working on some better projects? In any case, that hasn't stopped Boll from wasting other people's money; working on future flops such as Postal, Far Cry, Alone in the Dark 2 (again with the sequels) and non-gaming IP Seed. Who knows, maybe BloodRayne 2 will turn out like Superman Returns as Uwe claims; a dull movie that somehow managed to make a profit. (We are proactively denying any future boxing challenges Uwe Boll may deliver ... you fight too dirty, bro.)
Vince Desi is a giant prick in Postal
Game Set Watch has managed to obtain a handful of images of Postal creator Vince Desi filming his cameo for the upcoming Uwe Boll adaptation. Desi plays Krotchy, a giant penis, and it appears he will be in a penis suit for the duration of his screen time.Gamasutra also netted an interview with Desi. Where he talks about Postal 3, the decision to use the Source engine, and his reasons for going with Uwe Boll for the movie. Postal 3 is scheduled for an Xbox 360 release sometime in 2008.
Uwe Boll to make BloodRayne 2, anger more gamers
Someone, for the love of every video game ever made into a movie, PLEASE stop Uwe Boll. We mean physically stop the guy. Find out where he's shooting, go out there, and take the camera away from him. Be sure to destroy any writing utensils or anything he might use to draw with as well.Why? Because he's recently announced that he's making BloodRayne 2. That's right, a sequel to what people have been calling one of the worst films of the past few years. Don't forget, Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith came out in the last few years and so did Aeon Flux, Elektra, Son of the Mask, and The Pacifier.The movie, like the first one, will no doubt have nothing to do with the game, but will have everything to do with sucking. That's despite the presence of Kristanna Loken, who really needs to take Uwe's number out of her cell phone.
Uwe Boll does something awful to another critic
Anti-filmmaker Uwe Boll has beaten another one of his critics completely senseless -- and this time it was in a boxing ring, not a darkened cinema. Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka of Something Awful infamy was the second to fall to the raging Boll's flying fists in a PR-driven series of boxing matches. Like any dignified artist, Boll vowed to silence critics by punching them in the face, proving once and for all that ... well, we're not sure what exactly this proves. We know he's a good boxer, at least. In a video interview after the match, Kyanka amusingly points out that he now detests Uwe Boll not as a movie misdirector, but as a human being. According to the pummeled pundit, Boll offered to give his victims training beforehand and promised that his punches would be just for show. Quite apparently, that was not the case (video embedded after the break). Regardless, it now becomes clear that critics played right into Boll's gloved ham-hands. The selected participants arguably never stood a chance, something the video game violator well aware of in his struggle for Pyrrhic victory. Punching out a critic does not make his films any less craptacular and the whole fiasco has made him look like a fight-makes-right psychopath. 1UP contributor, Albert Art, snapped some pictures at the event and even conducted a brief interview with Boll. When asked why he continues to make video game films, Boll responds with an enlightening, "I keep doing video game based movies because look why not, all the comic-book get made into movies, even comics that sold 2000 copies there are movies out from it, why like big famous videos games shouldn't turn into movies." That about says it all. [Thanks, albertart and VGM!]Read - Something Awful's forum respondsRead - Albert Art's event coverage and interviewWatch - Video interview with Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka after the matchWatch - Boll's previous boxing match
Uwe "I make crappy game movies" Boll silences his first critic
Uwe Boll (the man responsible for making a mockery of video game movies -- all three of his video game movies appear on IMDB's Bottom 100 list) finally managed to silence one of his critics yesterday. He didn't do it by making a movie worth squat, but by applying his fists to the mouth of Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello, webmaster of Cine Cutre. Despite his inability to satisfy film critics (or perhaps because of it) Boll's no idiot. First, he knows how to box. Second, he's selected a bunch of pudgy web geeks (not unlike yours truly) to face him in the ring. Of course he's going to win. At least Boll's good at something.
Alone in the Dark pics, unbelievably scary
Alone in the Dark 5 looks gorgeous. That's really all there is to say about these images. Well, that, and they're really scary -- almost as scary as Uwe Boll. After all, the game is set in Central Park, the scariest place on earth. If you haven't looked into this game yet, be sure and check out the official site for more creepy goodness. We have to ask, who wants this game, and who wants it right now?
