Switched On turns one: The Maven
posted Oct 26th 2005 2:30PM
Once upon a midnight madness sale I sauntered, steeped in sadness,
Through the shiny piles and aisles composing my computer store.
Suddenly there came a rapping. "Skeet skeet skeet." Had I been napping?
Energy, it had been sapping from my soul for weeks or more.
Yea, those loathsome customers had chilled my being for weeks or more.
Back-to-school had drained my core.
Soon the winds would bring the winter - time to sell each mouse, each printer.
"Profit!" said I, "Thing of evil? Nah," applying Avacor.
For while came the rare exception, money flowed from deep deception.
Ignorance would find reception warm throughout each corridor.
From these fools I'd find the dollars flow down every corridor.
Idiots I did adore.
There I saw him, by the mobos, dressing like those unkempt hobos -
Greasy hair atop the fat and pimples that adorned each pore.
Mannerisms quite absurd, he stood there mumbling, looking nerdy,
Yet I could not find the word he brought to mind inside the store.
In that squalid rust of malice did he slither through the store,
Saying naught and nothing more.
Fate approached him as a customer who seemed at once to trust him.
"Are these cameras any good? I've never shopped for one before."
Glasses thick, stubble unshaven, spewing trivia like Cliff Clavin,
On he went, this crazy maven bragging of his Slashdot score.
"If you read my blog, you'd know my postings rate above a four.
'Funny' and 'Insightful' are the words you'd see with five or four."
After which she fled the store.
Then a man who lacked acumen caused his targeting to zoom in.
"Windows spyware drives me nuts. Removing it is such a chore.
"This Mac mini sure looks swell so buying it would end my hell, no?"
"Apple's switching to Intel so I would wait a year or more
"And you'll want new software too if you don't wait a year or more."
Quoth the maven, "Leave the store."
Citing every spec and feature, body trained by Arthur Treacher,
Did the maven woo his audience like some techie troubadour.
Who had let this creature foul in? If he did not throw the towel in
I'd be forced to go all Shaolin monk on his posterior.
How I'd whip that swath of corpulence that claimed posterior
Pressed against my glass case door.
Then his keen newbie detection struck gold in the gaming section.
"I've an itch for simulation. I'm opposed to too much gore.
"This Sims game could be my toehold. It looks so much fun. I'm so sold."
"Sims are so five years ago. Hold off and wait for Will Wright's Spore."
Just forget that Sims 2 stuff and save your darseks up for Spore."
Quoth the maven, "Leave the store."
On his pattern kept repeating and I watched my cash depleting
As he dispatched questions like blind bulls before the matador.
Each request brought new retort in just like when Leo Laporte 'n'
His ex-co-host Patrick Norton would save screens in days of yore --
Oh, to live those fond remembered years of TechTV of yore
Ere the odious G4.
Then a young lad came inquiring, toward a purchase now aspiring,
"Wasn't this cool laptop here the C|Net pick the month before"
"Handy it would surely come in when more speed I'd need to summon."
"You don't want that Pentium. Intel is moving to dual core.
"Who would use some HyperThreading loser chip when there's dual core?"
Quoth the maven, "Leave the store."
Soon I sensed my deeper breathing as my temper turned to seething.
Loathing his devouring dollars like the fabled manticore.
As he sabotaged each sale in, I could see my business failin" --
Stock reports through EDGAR ailin' that would leave me poe, er, poor.
How the gloom of EDGAR would tell tales of heart that made me poor
From this maven I abhor.
"Please, sir," came my mocking meekness, "if I may address Your Geekness,
"You possess the kind of genius humans haven't seen before.
"I don't mean to be a rusher of one smart as Wesley Crusher
'"But this nice CD of Usher's yours if you part my decor.
"A fall of the house and Usher music would beat my decor."
Quoth the maven, "Nevermore."
"Once again, I'd like to mention how you're aiding apprehension.
"Please stop chasing customers away, your favor I'd implore.
"Your reply would be most gracious if you'd quit this path tenacious
"Transfer now thy form sebaceous to where it was heretofore
"Please return to that dim destination thou stood heretofore."
Quoth the maven, "Nevermore."
"Fiend!," I cried, "Reviled earth-scorcher! Stop at once this heinous torture
"That as Satan's scion learned you, wicked cash cow carnivore!
"Do not blink there, smug and silent, lest I turn to actions violent.
"Take thy zits from out my aisle and take thy fat ass from my store!
"Now be gone! Remove thy Comic Book Guy visage from my store!"
Quoth the maven, "Nevermore."
And the maven, ever stalking, still is talking, still is talking
And I grow more desperate for some euro, cent or louis d'or.
And his voice has all the grating of clawed hands down chalkboards skating
And my profits keep deflating as my sales drop through the floor
As my spirit's shards get swept by cleanup crews across the floor
To be lifted nevermore.
[Best. Column. Ever. --Ed.]
Ross Rubin is director of industry analysis at NPD Techworld, a division of market research and analysis provider The NPD Group. Views expressed in Switched On, however, are his own. Feedback is welcome at fliptheswitch@gmail.com.
glad to see i'm not the only one missing techTV's screen savers show. Attack of the show sucks!
Utterly brilliant.
I hit the floor at the mention of Arthur Treacher.
HAHA - CLASSIC!!!
You make me wish that I could write like that...
Wow. Props on keeping the rhythm almost perfect. Flowed just as nicely as the original.
Bonus Points
Sheer Genius
Best geek poem ever.
HAHA! That rocks!
And... it's so true. *wipes tear*
That was freakin' amazing. Poe references and everything. Speachless...
Wow. You've really outdone yourself. That was truly outstanding. Congrats!
Wow. I've never read his column before, but I think I'll start.
This has to be the most creative and funny thing I've read in years.
::applause::
"form sebaceous"?
GENIUS.
My hat is off to you, sir.
Dear... heavens... That's freaking amazing.
Sweet.
Nothing I love more than torturing Best Buy tv salesmen.
Want to see a head asplode?
Ask them to explain the difference between the bobbing and weaving methods of deinterlacing.
/evil
//and I know it
///clap your hands
Brilliant.
That was phonomenal. Made my whole day.
Encore, encore! Perhaps a sestina next week?
i never really understand poetry very well... it's something i would like to be able to do but it just doesn't fit together in my head.
i did get the general gist of this though and it was great. i expect it would be even better if i could understand it all :D
Beautiful. You sir, are a scholar and a gentleman with a true mastery of um, everything that matters?
Wow, job well done, it rhymed, it was geeky, it was funny, and it was true.
Made my day as well!
Fantabulous!
I started reading this out loud in my office so I could fully appreciate the meter and rhyme.
Judging by the stares of passersby, I guess I should have closed my door first.
You are a king among men. Amazing.
Most excellent indeed. It must be read allowed in a dark and sombre voice to be fully appreciated.
That was some of the best poetry I've read in years! It reminds me a lot of this cynical older man that used to hang out in the greenhouse I worked in during college. We liked him at first because he knew a lot about plants and he took a number of the "old lady questions" off of our backs, but one day he must have felt wronged by us in some way because he just started telling customers that all of our plants were of horrible quality and recommending other greenhouses in town. He went so far as to start picking up flowers and bedding plant packs and then throwning them down on the rack with a, "this stuff is all crap." Needless to say he wasn't good for business that day. Good thing we reserved the right to refuse service and he was escorted out of the store under threat of us pressing charges. He shall bother us nevermore!
We are not worthy!
BRILLIANT.
Now, if only we could get James Earl Jones to recite this one too.
"...body trained by Arthur Treacher..."
Robert Frost would be proud.
Quoth the EAP fan "evermore". Congrats on a piece that left me with chills. You have done as much for classic poetry as Matt Groening in one sitting. Fantastic.
Truly awesome parody! Hey, wouldn't it be fun if all engadget posts were written in rhyme? OK, well, maybe just for a day! :)
Fantastic coloumn! I SALUTE you.
You may want to include a reference as to which poem is this a parody of. Sadly, not all have read poe's masterpiece, The Raven.
Genius!
Only the lack of the word "Nantucket" kept it from perfection!!
Brilliant!
I used to work at Electronics Boutique, and our store had a herd of mavens that came in regularly to brag about their super-cool Pentium computers when the rest of us lowly mortals still had 486's.
Good times.
Amazing. : ) Very Good Idea.
And we're still waiting for Spore...
haha, I was thinking the same thing.
Incredible