OMG LOL J/K. We were totally joking when we sent that letter. All of the stuff we said is totally stupid and will never happen in a million years, so long as the cattle continue to line up at 3 in the morning..
For starters, when our customers trample each other, it makes for great headline news. Lawsuit? Pfft. We'll settle out of court and offer the guy a treadmill so he's a little faster in the door NEXT Black Friday.
And shop online? Yeah right! The Interweb scares us silly, plus, if they pay in store, we'll be able to sleep that night on a mound of beautiful green currency.
And why would we open at 10 AM? Like we said, our competitors and us all sell the same generic knockoff DVD recorders, and we all sell it for the same super low discounted price -- if we open five hours later, our valued customers will go next store and spend their money! Once we finally get around to opening our doors, everyone will think we've either gone out of business, or had no sales. Not to mention that's five hours of missed sales, so opening late would be just plain stupid. If you're too lazy to get your ass out of bed at 2AM, that's hardy our fault. Plenty of other LOYAL customers managed to do so. Go cry to your mama!
Remember how we said we wouldn't sue those web sites promoting our sales? That was pretty funny, huh? I can't believe we were able to type that with a straight face! Of COURSE we're gonna sue, that's just revenue we can add to our bottom line! Ho ho ho!
So remember: if you live 80 miles away and can’t drive, we don't want your business on Black Friday, because you're obviously too poor to afford a car and (probably) ugly too! (We have no idea how we came to that conclusion, just go with us here.)
From everyone at our company, have a safe (hahaha!) and happy holiday season. We look forward to you spending your money with us!
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Dear Ross,
OMG LOL J/K. We were totally joking when we sent that letter. All of the stuff we said is totally stupid and will never happen in a million years, so long as the cattle continue to line up at 3 in the morning..
For starters, when our customers trample each other, it makes for great headline news. Lawsuit? Pfft. We'll settle out of court and offer the guy a treadmill so he's a little faster in the door NEXT Black Friday.
And shop online? Yeah right! The Interweb scares us silly, plus, if they pay in store, we'll be able to sleep that night on a mound of beautiful green currency.
And why would we open at 10 AM? Like we said, our competitors and us all sell the same generic knockoff DVD recorders, and we all sell it for the same super low discounted price -- if we open five hours later, our valued customers will go next store and spend their money! Once we finally get around to opening our doors, everyone will think we've either gone out of business, or had no sales. Not to mention that's five hours of missed sales, so opening late would be just plain stupid. If you're too lazy to get your ass out of bed at 2AM, that's hardy our fault. Plenty of other LOYAL customers managed to do so. Go cry to your mama!
Remember how we said we wouldn't sue those web sites promoting our sales? That was pretty funny, huh? I can't believe we were able to type that with a straight face! Of COURSE we're gonna sue, that's just revenue we can add to our bottom line! Ho ho ho!
So remember: if you live 80 miles away and can’t drive, we don't want your business on Black Friday, because you're obviously too poor to afford a car and (probably) ugly too! (We have no idea how we came to that conclusion, just go with us here.)
From everyone at our company, have a safe (hahaha!) and happy holiday season. We look forward to you spending your money with us!