Switched On: Enter the lay tricks
The scene: A hotel room on a rainy night. Pentius and Duo face each other near large, comfortable red chairs that look like leftover props from Pee Wee's Playhouse, yet no one is filming a Radio Shack commercial.
"Pentius! It's an honor to meet you!"
"Please, have a seat, Duo. The honor is mine. I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like a noob in the middle of a large computer store. You're here because you feel something that's eating at you that you can't explain. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
"What is..." (squinting at the badge on Pentius's computer) "V eleven v?"
"It's pronounced 'vive." Do you want to know what it is?"
"Actually, there's this E! True Hollywood Story about "Who's The Boss" that I -"
"VIIV is the hype that surrounds the industry. You can see it in every computer magazine, in Intel's booth at CES, in keynotes from Microsoft. Soon it will be in your living room, your bedroom, anywhere you have an Intel-based desktop. Duo!"
"Yes?"
"Were you listening to me or staring at that big pile of co-op funds from Intel?"
"I was, uh... OK, so this vi'iv thing? What is it again?"
"It's pronounced 'vive." Unfortunately, and despite considerable marketing expenditures, no one can be told what VIIV is. You have to see it for yourself. Before you is a remote control with two buttons. Press the "Exit" button and you go back to your dull little PC dutifully performing dull little tasks. Press the green button with the little flag and you'll be propelled into a world of expensive sophisticated dual core processors, pricey aluminum enclosures with vacuum fluorescent displays, redundant functionality and slowly evolving integration with digital cable and satellite.
"Remember, after this there is no turning back... unless there's a system crash, in which case you'll be happy to know that Windows Vista reboots much more quickly than XP."
Duo presses the green button. Hours later...
"Whoa, why do my eyes hurt?"
"Because you've never used them to stare at so much text from ten feet away."
"My body feels weak, too."
"That's because you've spent your whole life being force-fed a steady diet of the most reprehensible gruel."
"The liquefied remains of other humans?"
"Worse. Shlocky music, movies, TV shows and even... FM radio."
Duo wretches.
"So, this 6-4 thing in Roman numerals..."
"VIIV."
"It's really Windows Media Center?"
"No."
"A chip?"
"Not exactly."
"A certification program?"
"Kinda."
"I still don't get it. Why would I buy this instead of just, I dunno, picking up a TiVo for half a small?"
"You really want me to kick your ass in kung fu again, don't you? I'm sorry, Duo. I was hopeful that you might be The One."
"The One what?"
"The One consumer who could figure out what VIIV is."
Ross Rubin is director of industry analysis at NPD Techworld, a division of market research and analysis provider The NPD Group. Views expressed in Switched On, however, are his own. Feedback is welcome at fliptheswitch@gmail.com.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
xaque @ Jan 19th 2006 9:55AM
Wow. That was mildly amusing. Thanks for the laugh. Engadget beats Slashdot any day.
Ryan @ Jan 19th 2006 10:48AM
Yeah, it would be funny if it weren't so poignant.
JD @ Jan 19th 2006 10:59AM
LOL. I read the stuff coming out of CES about the millions of movies, songs, etc., now available in the living room. I kept wondering "where do I go for all this cool new stuff?" There was never a direct web site listed or one product to buy. It's like one big "coming soon" sign.
Not to sound like an Apple fanboy, but Apple seems to understand the difference. When they announce something, there's a big Buy Now button. One click and you're done.
With VIIV I get:
http://www.intel.com/products/viiv/description.htm
and
http://www.intel.com/buy/viiv.htm
Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viiv) indicates "Intel is repeating the marketing model for the very successful Centrino platform which was their first branded platform." I still have no clue what Centrino is.
kenny @ Jan 19th 2006 11:52AM
from your links JD
"Home networking capability and many Intel Viiv technology-based usage models will require additional hardware devices, software or services. Functionality of Intel Viiv technology verified devices will vary; check product details for desired features. System and component performance and functionality will vary depending on your specific hardware and software configurations." ---first link
so wait...I need to get new everything to work with said technology?
and Intel's "Quick Resume" function sounds like Hibernation in Windows...-which is funny that they try to brand something already in Windows MCE?(wiki link)
from what it looks like, it just seems VIIV is just a Branding Iron of sorts...to try to make consumers aware that they have an Intel Chipset in it, and i guess the result is them paying Manufacturer(s) to stick the sticker on, and add a little software to lower the cost for the Manufacturer...so their stock will go up...and almost no real change to the consumer?except the gimicky stuff from ESPN, MTV(wee...DRM music for free that you can't play anywhere else?), ect...
j-dawg @ Jan 19th 2006 6:47PM
"Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viiv) indicates 'Intel is repeating the marketing model for the very successful Centrino platform which was their first branded platform.' I still have no clue what Centrino is."
Centrino is what I heard of when I thought about Viiv. Centrino is basically a Pentium M platform with certain wireless specifications. It's a set of requirements a computer can meet, to be simplistic about it. And it's a really good marketing campaign, like Chrysler's Hemi, or like...umm, like stuff. But you know what I mean--you hear people who don't know what they're talking about saying, "Oh man, if I get a laptop I hear Centrino is good" or "Oh man, they use magic to make Hemi engines."
With a dumb name like Veeve, though, I doubt is this one will be as successful as Centrino.
acidreflux @ Jan 20th 2006 12:42AM
"I still have no clue what Centrino is."
The centrino platform is: intel pentium M processor, intel wireless card, and the intel chipset. You cannot remove one of these components and it be a centrino laptop by intels specs. there are many laptops that have one or two of these features, but to be a true centrino it must have all three intel components.
i would imagine viiv is just an expansion of this philosophy. . .actually, nevermind, i dont have a clue what viiv is either.
"Engadget beats Slashdot any day."
sure.
Steve @ Jan 20th 2006 4:30AM
Great Matrix-alike parody, guys, ROFL x2!
Steve