Giant Panda robots: extinction solved

Ahh Giant Pandas... cute and cuddly until they rip out your jugular with a swipe from those massive thumbed paws. What better avatar to lull us into complacency while cleansing the fields of our human scourge? Ok, ok, only the head can actually be considered robotic with 14 servo motors used to create realistic panda expressions like confusion: "has anyone seen my bamboo?" or anger: "I am not a teddy bear!" The rest is just some guy in a fancy monkey suit drunk on Billy Beer. Now isn't it about time we forget about all this endangered species crap since man clearly possesses the power to preserve these giant bears raccoons automatons forever in some kind of It's a Small World freak show? Just click the read link if you don't concur, go ahead, click.

[Ray @ Jun 16th 2006 10:12AM]

Wow, the first ugly Panda I've seen in my life.

[bob @ Jun 16th 2006 10:22AM]

bears are godless killing machines without a soul! The robobear is coming...

[Tom H @ Jun 16th 2006 10:32AM]

I really hate pandas

[Teddy Bear @ Jun 16th 2006 10:57AM]

"Only the head can actually be considered robotic... he rest is just some guy in a fancy monkey suit drunk on Billy Beer."

I'd be pretty concerned about walking around drunk wearing a robotic panda head.

[strider_mt2k @ Jun 16th 2006 10:59AM]

The latest model has a parabolic dish antenna hat!

Thanks, North Central Positronics!

I hope the new "Shardik" model does well in long-term testing.
Something tells me that with prolonged service some bugs might become evident though.

Like when it sneezes.

[MichaelC @ Jun 16th 2006 11:46AM]

"The latest model has a parabolic dish antenna hat!

Thanks, North Central Positronics!"

Sad Fact #1 - I know that reference.
Sad Fact #2 - strider_mt2k beat me to it.

[Chris @ Jun 16th 2006 12:03PM]

I'm with Tom H. I have a strong dislike for Pandas. They have cut themselves off evolution. They are a dying species and we shouldn't spend millions a year to keep these 'losers' (yeah, I'm calling Pandas losers) alive.

Why pandas should be extinct:

- They eat bamboo! They are large mammal and need an applicable diet. They are the hippies of the mammal world. In captivity they inject the bamboo with protein supplements. "Inject a Panda's bamboo with with protein he eats for a day, teach to eat Chinese people he eats for a lifetime"

- If I was starved all the time I'd still want to do it, but not pandas. The females are in heat one day a year. Species survive because they fuck. If your species is dying out then you need to fuck more. In captivity they go out of their way to prepare a male and female to mate. They use pheromones, scented candles and Barry White but it usually fails. The female is too damn picky! The end up fertilizing her artificially.

- Pandas don't an excessive gestation period for their size, but their offspring is very incapable of supporting itself once born. Despite an adult panda's size, the offspring is born about the size of large mouse (not a large rat, a large mouse). This tiny practically fetal offspring takes a lot mothering and the mother was already spending most of her day eating hard to chew, nourishingly devoid bamboo.

The bottom line is that species die out. Sometimes it's their own fault, sometimes an 'act of God' happens. Either way, when your time is up, it's up and us humans are egotistical to think he can save these dumbass animals. It's not like other species that we hunted to near extinction, THEY DID IT TO THEMSELVES. IF they want to survive, they need to get off their fat asses, catch some live prey and fuck all the time.

[Pfft @ Jun 16th 2006 12:10PM]

He say you Brade Runner.

[Chris @ Jun 16th 2006 12:41PM]

I forgot to add....

- Pandas usually have two offspring, but one is left to die because pandas are ineffectual parents. Not a big deal if you are born with the ability to survive, like simpler creatures. This makes the hope of species survival even more difficult. In captivity, when the female panda goes to feed they switch out the young so both offspring have a fighting chance with this ineffective mother. The father, he takes no responsibility and not one male panda has ever paid any child support, ever!

[marcin @ Jun 16th 2006 1:34PM]

"THEY DID IT TO THEMSELVES"

AMEN!

[james @ Jun 16th 2006 1:59PM]

That's just creepy.

[Josh Kooistra @ Jun 16th 2006 2:21PM]

one word:

CREEPY

[Tucker @ Jun 16th 2006 5:02PM]

robo pandas ganna kill you!

[Smirf83 @ Jun 16th 2006 5:17PM]

""The latest model has a parabolic dish antenna hat!

Thanks, North Central Positronics!"

Sad Fact #1 - I know that reference."

I know it too! Does that make me cool?

On topic, why not just store some panda DNA until Jurassic Park becomes real and we unleash tons of horrifying mosters on the world? Then we can just create a few pandas and let them eat all the horrible monsters, cos they love us humans really.

[x23 @ Jun 16th 2006 5:52PM]

awwww... sounds like someone had a panda beat them up in grade school and stole their lunch money to buy more nutritionally worthless bambo.

[jamil @ Jun 16th 2006 11:48PM]

Just as a heads up, pandas do not have thumbs. What we would call their "thumb" is actually a heavily modified (read: hacked) wrist bone.

[dan @ Jun 17th 2006 2:31AM]

funniest shit ever

[afrokenjonny @ Jun 17th 2006 2:50PM]

i'd like a panda with 4 asses. or one spliced with a pot belly pig to have a mini panda.

[NERV @ Jun 17th 2006 9:58PM]

Anyone seen the movie Fierce Creatures? lol

[Meltz @ Jun 18th 2006 1:29AM]

haha, did anybody see that simpsons episode when (I forget the context) Homer dresses as a panda for the zoo? aaaah, well this just reminded me of that......everything in life can relate to the Simpsons

[BradS @ Jul 10th 2008 9:30AM]

I for one welcome our robotic-panda-head-some-guy-in-a-fancy-monkey-suit-drunk-on-Billy-Beer robotic overlords.