Caption contest: Chinese S.W.A.T. team caught ridin' dirty... on Segways
By Joshua Topolsky 
posted Jul 1st 2008 4:58PM
posted Jul 1st 2008 4:58PM
Look, protecting the world from the terror of Jihadists is serious business -- which is why we're not sure that rolling up on a Segway is the best way to get the Axis of Evil to drop its weapon / bomb / fanatic mindset... still, Jackie Chan will be psyched. Our suggestion? the electric unicycle.
Josh T: "Stop! Step out of the vehicle and agree to be my friend."
Don: "Don't make me lean forward and come over there."
Chris: "Do it... do it now! Get to the human transportah!"
Josh F: "Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAKE!"
Ryan: "Watch yourself, Frank, we're dealing with professionals. They've got a... car."
Darren: "So, um, is it safe to back away from this vehicle?"
Richard: "Yes, this would be more intimidating from a Humvee, but y'know, gas prices these days..."
Nilay: "Put the Roomba down!"
Thomas: "Quit calling me Ginger, I'm a day walker!"
[Thanks, Mike]
hooray! none of those even made me smile
(single clap)
they see me rollin, they hatin...
Now we can beat down protesters in Tibet even quicker!!!
Once the Rush Hour 4 production photos hit the internet, Jackie Chan realized he shouldn't have inked a deal with Segway for product placement.
"To the batmo... err... Segways."
Ryan's made me laugh, and Thomas gets points for the South Park reference.
"North Korean 'Robocop' project trials prove inconclusive as police are foiled by parked car".
...Ninja egg-and-spoon race ruined by careless parking...
add on a toilette and this would have everything i need.
RC Segways make for IRL rail shooters!
How will they strafe?
I smell a new Counterstrike mod coming up..
are those knockoff segways?????
"...Headquarters this is unit seven, we have the terror suspects in sight...as long as they don't break into a brisk walk, we've got them...Over."
Is this serious?Like really serious?
....
Well, the criminal don't a have a chance, they'll be laughing too hard to be abble to run anyway.
Marcela, the strategy is obvious. They take you down with purely unadulterated bewilderment. Honestly though, if I the S.W.A.T. team came up to me in Segways it'd slow my reaction time down at least a second or two.
(sniff) I'm sorry, I'm laughing too hard imagining these guys trying to keep still when their balance gets thrown off by the recoil...or if they need to duck for any reason...
Shoot and the segway will notice you leaning back and go into reverse!
If you lean back too much you just fall on your ass!
Sideways shuffle need not apply.
Really guys, these pistols don't give off that much recoil, other guns would be a slightly different matter though and when the Segway's rolling back it's going to be tricking lining up your next shot.
ROFL at this all though :D.
"Command, this is Alpha 2, we're in hot pursuit of the suspect, he's on foot....wait, he stopped running, I can't steer away!. Man down! Man down!"
kitchen clear!!
studio clear!!
upstairs... in a minute.. puff puff
"This is really killer on my back and knees!"
Stop or I'll scoot!
"What was that dork comment again?"
Steady!!!....STEADY!!!..... Steady Damn it!!!!
" I can ride my Segway with no handlebars, no handlebars, no handlebars"
who sings this song?? obviously i'm talking about the original, I've been trying to find it for a while now!
The Flobots
Ever hear of search engines? Quite the novelty here in 2008!
The Flobots
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK2A1ZqoWs
LOL
This lets us Americans know that we're not the only lazy ones.
Great not only are ninja's using guns now, but they're also rollin on segways. We're all doomed!
front sight, squeeze the trigger... WHOA I TIPPED FORWARD!!!!!!
"Pffffft Chips can't hold a candle to us! the Segway Wok Attack Team! now lets get those damn protesters!"
I just want to see them do a PIT on a hover-round.
Richard, you're soo full of win.
LOL--well, I did not actually laugh out loud, but I came pretty damn close. I definitely smirked.
"hmm, he's holding a hostage at gunpoint...I have a shot...there is a narrow opening...I sure hope this has the updated software patch [v14.2] to prevent sudden thursts"
God forbid you'd suddenly want a drink while handling a hostage situation.
More like "protecting the world from what its citizens have to say about their lack of rights."
The uniform says "armed police". Would their commanding officer be named Capt. Obvious?
Not all Chinese police are armed; a regular uniformed 警察 would not necessarily be carrying a weapon. 武警 sometimes also have a paramilitary function.
And speaking of Capt. Obvious...
"As the swat team closes in, they find themselves unable to approach any closer due to the strictly enforced sidewalk ban"
+2 internets
This would be way more amusing if they used Samuri Swords.
I can just imagine all the people who signed up for chinese special police forces thinking it'd be the coolest thing in the world...
...and be told that's their transport.
What would make this pic better is if these guys were overweight, were balding and had unwashed ponytails. Oh yeah, and a comic book stash or D&D book in the back pocket.
"Halt, evil-doer, or I shall unleash my hit-points upon you!"
What? You can't say that, you changed everything about it.
Thats like saying, "This tricycle would be able to orbit Mars if we tore it down and added thermal shielded ceramic tiles, a cargo bay, stage 2 solid rocket boosters, main engines, the crew cabin, and an external tank with a capacity of 500,000 gallons of liquid oxygen and hydrogen."
Jackie Chan is the dealer for Segway in Asia.
http://www.jackiechan.com/news_view?cid=290
That's already mentioned in the article, but thanks anyway.
"Hey Chan, I think my battery is dead."
"Hop onto mine then, Lee."
"Station!"
lol shooting the gun might make them tip over
"Hey BOB! What on earth are you doing? It may be futuristic, but it ain't no shitter!"
"STOP! DON'T RUN AWAY! YOU'RE NO MATCH FOR OUT SEGWAYS!"
"Uhh... Bob. Our Segways are out of battery."
"Shit."
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
" 3 generations of Police officers down the drain...At least I'm wearing a mask so they cant see me..."
Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
I think somebody must have told them the segways can go as fast as a motorcycle or even a bicycle.
Apparently the no cell phone while driving law also applies to parked cars... and apparently they really want to send a message to motorists that they're serious
Ever want to make a perp do a double take, so you can get an extra shot in...S.W.A.T on Segways. Guaranteed to make em say "What the..."?
"Never Cirsrumvent the Law!"
The ol' reach around
C'mon folks, No one did the easiest one yet?
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US."
"Finally, rookies find out what happens when you dont make your quota..."
"Two more weeks on this thing and I should be able to crack a bowling ball between my knees"
Chinese cop: Ha, laugh it up Americans, at least our government still let's us talk on our cellphones while riding!
I wanna see the dumbass who tries to fire a weapon from one of those things... like a shotgun! flying chineeeese.....
"Beginning July 20th, the S.W.A.T. team will oblige to the 'Odd-Even' restriction based on their Segway serial numbers to help reduce pollution during Olympics."
no wonder ninja's are so quiet... all electric!
"Hello michael, where would you like to go today?"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!! GO ALREADY!!"
"Crouching SWAT, Rolling Segway"
I'd love to see these guys in persuit of a perp who also happens to be on a segway and the perps segway has spinners.
in the near future bicycle cops are unable to fight the ever increasing threat of Buddhists. Some of these elite soldiers will become THE SegWAy Team to protect and kick some ....
SHARE THE ROAD!!!
Can't you all see? It's obvious their Segways have a shooting mode, so that any recoil won't send them rolling backwards. These Segways also have an invisible force field, so that running over anyone limping away after being shot will be knocked down, instead of them knocking down the Segway. They also jump into hyerspace should someone dare break out into a run.
"Suspect getting away...CRAP! I can't find my red key!!!"
Am I the only person that noticed the Chinese SWAT are carrying 1911 pistols BEFORE noticing the Segways?
I thought they were Brownings.
...been wrong before, but I don't think so.
The Browning Hi-Power has a distinctive narrowing at the front of the slide that extends vertically all the way from the bottom to the top.
The slide of the gun in this picture only narrows at the bottom and there is a slight slope to it - 1911, pretty sure.
The HP and CZs are much more popular with military and police units world-wide than the 1911, but the later seems to be a favorite of SWAT and commando units.
...been wrong before, but I don't think so.
The Browning Hi-Power has a distinctive narrowing of the slide towards the front that extends vertically from bottom to top.
The gun in this pic only narrows at the bottom at a slight slope - 1911 pretty sure.
They are a popular choice among SWAT and commando units, even though the HP and CZs are much more prevalent with police forces world wide.
Am I crazy or were there two southpark references in the suggested captions?
"Do we REALLY need these kneepads?"
Woops... forgot the rest:
"Do we REALLY need these kneepads?"
"Dude, these things are dangerous. Haven't you seen the stuff on YouTube? Just search for 'Segway Protests'".
"Weird. The only videos I get are the laughing baby and skateboarding dog."
Sorry, but you only get one shot at a clever comment. No do-overs.
China's government have suddenly encountered a shortage of tanks for suppressing dissidents and are currently making do with Segways.
China's government have suddenly encountered a shortage of tanks for suppressing dissidents and are currently making do with Segways.
"Stop laughing at us or we'll shoot!"
"No! Not 'Backup' I said I need a 'Backup-Battery'!! ASAP!"
Chinese SWAT banned from Disneyland?
BEJING, CHINA—Today, the Chinese SWAT team has qualified to compete in the newest expansion event, making its debut at the 2008 Summer Olympiad. Officially known as the Disguised Uniformed Mobile Biathlon (DUMB), China’s premier sporting event, often seen being played in parks, public squares, and other places of political gatherings, is affectionately known as Scooter Shooter.
Heave to and prepare to be boarded!
Chinese police are a pushover.
Well, the main element of an attack, is the element of surprise. They need more makeup
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSZshnmXCBo&feature=related
Sorry, but with the full black ninja crap and drawn small arms, they look more like terrorist than anyone they'd be shooting at - and in China, that's pretty much the case after Tienanmen.
Caption: "You see, Wang? You see? It's Just like the Wii Balance Board and First Person Shooter! Too Cool! We get paid to do this! Hold on, let me steer left..." BANG!
"Sorry Wang!"
(Wang, shot in the... foot, spins uncontrollably)
Laugh all you want, but only these mechanized Ninjas will save us from the Pirates when they fit out with Segways; when they hoist the Jolly Rodger from their Segways, you'll be damn glad the Ninjas can duel them at 4.5 mph
"Put the gun down or I'll make you ride this thing."
or
"Hey, psst, you think they realize we can't get past this car?"
I know it is a little late but how about:
Form Ultra Segway bot Now.
CHiPS: The Next Generation
These guys are the laziest members of The FOOT I've ever seen... that or the Shredder is finally starting to embrass technology.
"Sergeant, here is the balanced attack force you requested."