If Microsoft made a toaster...
By Thomas Ricker 
posted Jul 21st 2009 5:28AM
posted Jul 21st 2009 5:28AM
And if... go ahead, add your own in the comments below.
[Thanks abrahamvir, images courtesy of mazw220]
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With penguins anything taste better
I agree, if cooked properly, penguins are actually quite delicious ^_^
thats the way I like my toasters fully-open and doesn't jam =D
Meh, it's okay, I like the taste of glass better.
If Apple made a toaster you'd have to use their approved electric company. Said electric company would only be able to provide electricity 2 days a week. You would still get charged for 7 days of electricity.During the middle of toasting that electricity would cut out and you'd have to reset the breaker in your house and start the toasting again. Apple would improve on the toaster periodically by allowing for toasting of pop tarts but the electric company is not going to be ready for you to do that till the end of summer (unless you're an international customer). By the way...all other non-apple customers of your electric company have been toasting pop tarts for about 10 years.
F*$K YOU AT&T!!!!!
@ KJ LOL!!!! So true!!!
Apple toasters STILL don't support multi-toasting!
A majority of people just want to toast their bread.
They don't need a fancy, spiffy looking Apple toaster that happens to make the same tasting, every day toast. But also happens to cost much, much more than Linux or Microsoft toasters.
So they say to hell with Apple toasters and the black shirt people in their Apple Toaster store, and get it from a store where the employees ignore their customers for the most part. Not because they think they are better than them, but because they simply hate their jobs...
KJ - I have to agree, AT&T service pretty much sucks donkey balls.
If Asus made a toaster, it would would be available in ten different models,
the eeeToast 102T
the eeeToast103T
the eeeToast104T
the eeeToast102Tx
the eeeToast103Tx
the eeeToast104Txv
the eeeToast104Txvha-1000
the eeeToast202Tx breadshell
the eeeToast202Tx-v breadshell
the eeeToast102Tx-h breadshell
The names would confuse the crap out of everyone, but the actual products would be way better than the competition.
With Linux you'd have to make the bread yourself. You'd have to look this up on some wiki or forum, of course.
If Linux made that toaster, you would have to build it yourself first, before tweaking with it.
@Will
Perhaps a man page?
But back to penguins, I think Linux toast would taste a bit fishy.
A little too burnt for my tastes. Only if it comes with a free upgrade to Windows 7.
Microsoft Dynamics? Is that a KIRF toaster??
@Scarhawk
Microsoft Dynamics is a line of ERP and CRM products from Microsoft Business Solutions.
It was a Danish (Navision) and an American (Great Plains) company that Microsoft bought some years ago.
The Dynamics AX, NAV and CRM products are widespread in Europe. I should know working with them.
I picture them running just like Veridian Dynamics.
@Andrew, it's not just common in Europe. I'm in the US, and the last company I worked for used Dynamics GP (very buggy with lots of crazy little client patches), and the company I work for now uses CRM. I have a friend that works for another company that uses a lot of CRM. That suite of applications drives me nuts.
Just install Norton AntiBurnWare protection. A mere $49.95 add-on!
best thing since sliced bread?
how about toast this time?
If it only printed images of Jesus or Virgin Mary then I'd be richer than Bill Gates.
would the apple model make apple crisp?
No but you'd have to buy the bread from Apple, it would cost more than the same bread from someone else and the bread wouldn't fit into any toaster other than Apple's toaster. Also, toaster fanboys would praise the engineering of the toaster even though it contains the same generic parts as any other toaster and they'd proclaim it's buttonless interface to be easier and more pleasant to use than any other toaster.
Finally, Paul [A-Z] Chappell would jump in and attack all non-Apple toaster "fanboys" in all toaster posts.
Nope, Pop Tarts
You'd also have to make sure that if you have a 3 or 4 year old toaster that you don't get the intel-only toast.
for real CRM, look up a product called InterAction (not from Microsoft)
The iToaster would be available in white and unibody aluminum. The surface would be so glossy that people would claim they can't even use the toaster. There is also a touch panel on it with an arrow that says "Slide to Toast" and points down, not sideways. This toaster would also have the option to toast via Wi-Fi. Simply connect to the wireless network, and toast remotely. However, the connection would cut out every time before it's finished toasting. You must go to an Apple store to purchase iBread to toast, because each iSlice would have the Wi-Fi receiver in it. Every time you start toasting you hear the Mac chord and the touch panel changes to an Apple logo that gets progressively browner and starts steaming. New in iToaster OS Version 3.0, you can get a push notification sent to your iPhone when the bread is done. In development is the iToaster nano, which is half the size, and requires iBread nano, half-sized bread slices. iToaster nano can easily fit in your jeans pocket. It's insanely great.
If Apple made a toaster, it would have a plastic apple-shaped window illuminated by the nichrome wire.
If the toaster was Linux, you'd have to hack into it to make it toast both sides.
:D
No, a Linux toaster would cook the bread to a nice golden brown.
Well, the first slice anyways. The next one would be a dark crisp. You'd try to adjust the toaster, but with 37 switches, a few analog dials, at least 7 gauges, an LCD panel with random letters and numbers on it, and several panels of blinking lights later, you'd get frustrated and just eat the burnt bread.
With Linux it would appear to start off okay, then you would be immediately booted out to a command prompt to enter the toasting commands. If confused, use toast -help.
for the record, I'm a terminal user :)
lol, I was thinking that if Linux made a toaster, you'd have to compile your own bread!
:)
It may be a lot of work, but homemade bread tastes much better!
A Linux toaster would be a box full of toaster parts and a note that says "Enjoy!" Then when you'd ask for help with it on Linux toaster forums, you'd get called a noob and told to rtfm.
Haha!
These Toaster Linux jokes are giving me quite a chuckle!
man toast
# make toast
make: don't know how to make toast. Stop.
I can imagine the green mold in Android shape on Google's toast
Microsoft toaster: various models from different companies, compatible with most bread, cheap plastic build
Apple toaster: only 1 model, luxurious stainless steel, touch screen control, only compatible with Apple approved bread
:D
Linux toaster: only come in parts, user have to assemble the toaster themselves, but the bread is free
Pika..
Nicely summarised :)
I might have mentioned something about the Microsoft toaster occasionally breaking, or burning the toast.. :)
Also the Apple toaster costs twice as much, doesn't let you set the temperature or toast time, and when you want to upgrade the parts you have to buy a completely new toaster.
Also comes with douchy smug attitude at no extra cost!
Lazarpander toaster: Comes with irony so thick you need to use a knife to slice it.
Apple doesn't need to make a toaster. I'm sure some 3rd party developer will make an app on the iPhone.
But will it run Crysis?
At twelve 'o-clock a meeting
'round the table
for a seance in the dark.
With voices out of nowhere
put on specially by the children
for a lark.
Cry, system, cry,
make your mother sigh.
She's old enough to know better,
so cry, system, cry.
...
Can you take me back,
where are people?
Brother, can you take me back?
Can you take me back?
(Cry, System, Cry --- from the Beatles' white album,
which prophetically predicted the desire to return
computers unable to run Crysis)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcwF9z_3msk&feature=related
Nice article.
A genuinely funny article from engadget after many days. Nice going Ricker.
Linux toaster - you have to bake your own bread to be compatible with your particular toaster distribution, unless its an ubuntu toaster in which case you can press a button and it goes to the cupboard and gets some bread it made earlier.
they would be the most non working toaster in the world
If Google made such a toaster, it would likely be in Beta for the next 5 years.
And would still be better than 90% on the market and more reliable.
If Google made a toaster, you would need to click the lever a few times before seeing the top part of your toast.
yet the Google toaster would know your weight, how much toast you've eater, when you have jam or butter, then toast adds onto your bread accordingly.
A Google toaster would record your name, address, a list of other appliances in your kitchen, the names of anyone else in your house, phone number, bread preference, preferred toaster setting, etc. and then keep the information for 6 months handing it out to whoever it wants. In return, the bread would belong to someone else but Google would provide it to you for free.
Of course, if you live in China the toaster would only let you toast white bread and would inform the authorities if you attempted to toast any other type of bread.
If Google made a toaster, it would toast ads onto your slices.
Ad-supported free bread! Put the toaster in bakeshops, and let customers push a button to get a free slice of toast with the ad du jour browned onto it.
where as, getting the firefox model of the toaster allows you to plug in the ad-block plugin, so even if you are using the free google bread you could block the ads.
If Sony made a toaster it would be overpriced and oversized.
And still be called Vaio.
...and the Sony toaster would overheat and start fires.
And the Sony toaster would only toast proprietary Sony bread, which would be called bread-sticks.
If Apple made a toaster it would just work.*
*Bread must be Apple Wonderbread of regulation size and no older than three days. Apple Wonderbread will not work in other toasters.
omg, Awesome :)
And costs $69.99 per slice.
Apple iToast Pro comes with an innovative integrated cappuccino maker.
Just drop $6 in quarters and you a get a fresh cappuccino.*
*Must be refilled at the Genius Coffee Bar. Refills are free for life.
The iToast Air is the thinnest toaster in the world. And with RemoteToast, it can use toast drives of OTHER toasters to toast your bread!
Comes with a one pin plug.
Apple would like to remind all customers that JellyBaking will void all warranties and is illegal as it is in violation of the Apple Toasters EULA. Apple Inc is not responsible for any damage caused by toasting your bread with jelly pasted on it. (Pasting will be supported in the next update)
The iToast comes in 2 models, the "Basic" Model which is available for only $299 and toasts one piece at a time and the "Premium" Model which can be had for the Ultra low price of $399 and can toast a whopping TWO pieces!! Both models come with the darkness already selected for you which you WILL(!!!!) like, but if by some chance you don't, you can purchase our "darker"* or "lighter"* apps for only $3.99 each!
*Each darkness app only changes the toast by a small amount. To change drastically from the RIGHT darkness you must buy the app pack at $19.99
**iToast is not compatible with regular wall sockets. You must install the official "iPlug" into your home before using iToast.
There will be an overpriced Apple Bread Pro version as well. It is for professional users, whereas Apple Bread is for amateurs.
Do not eat iToast (or chew if in the UK)
palgun.shenoy: That's right, it's for professional breaditors.
The Apple iToaster® would also be game changing and the FIRST of it's kind, in fact, it would make even tastier toast than other toasters. Because of the Apple Experience, it would be about $400 more than any other toaster, with the same parts on the inside but sexy aluminum on the outside (in white, of course) BUT, provide SUCH a better experience compared to any other toaster, it would be worth it. The slots only fit Apple bread, which are of course $4 more than bread with the same ingredients because they're tastier than any other bread and provides the Apple experience and.. .. ..
The MS toaster would do what it's meant to do, but some people will complain that it uses too much energy to toast the bread or never gets the toast right....the light setting pops the bread out too light, the medium setting would toast it too light or too dark and the dark setting would do it too dark.Many people will claim that the toaster shuts itself off prematurely, takes exceptionally long to toast bread, or pops the bread out randomly, while the other side of the spectrum will claim that it works perfectly.
The Linux toaster will work perfectly for about a week. It will then update itself and bam! You'll need to go back or refresh some packages because something was a bit off in the update (good luck if you don't know how - you'll have a lot of forums to go through, and make sure you NEVER ask a question without searching the forum entirely, as you'll be severely berrated and told to learn to use search from the every so friendly peer-base of Linux users). If the electrical cord or some part needs replacement, hope and pray that the OS comes with the driver built into the distribution...it will either work fine or it will annoy you forever.
The Google toaster will work fine. Gives no real trouble. Missing a setting or 10 compared to the others, but that's ok because it's beta and the features will be added "down the line" at some point. It will probably be the best toaster ever in 4 or 5 years when it's finally out of beta.
is it just me or are the metaphors just becoming lazy?
Let us eat cake!
The cake is a lie!
Enable the glass on the toaster so you can see your bread while it toasts.
I think you mean use the Windows Aero theme.
Yeah, the transparent parts are called glass.
If Red Hat made a toaster, the bread would be free, but they'd charge you to butter it :)
If Google made a toaster, it'd have Google Ads baked on the bread :D
Love Google & Linux ;)
If Apple made a toaster it would be called iToaster. Which is worthy of an inclusion in the next Saw movie.
What colour is your refrigerator?
*think about it*
What is the colour of ice-cream?
*think about it*
What do cows drink?
What do you put in a toaster?
Em, cows don't drink milk, they produce it.
And it is bread you stick in a toaster :P
They do when they're nursing.
my refrigerator is purplee
MS Toaster -> works with any bread, but occasionally crashes and burns the house down.
Apple Toaster -> Only works with Apple formatted bread, soon to be released in 4 new exciting neon colors and next season : the iToast Nano, suitable for crackers
Linux Toaster -> You can buy the kits, or assemble them from bits you find lying about, but you can not plug it into the propritary energy grid as it would violate the GPL by creating a combine hybrid product with non-free technology. Torvalds and FSF are reviewing if solar power devices are suitable, an answer is expected within the next 6 to 12 months.
BSD Toaster -> Works anywhere with any bread but requires a phd to figure out how to mount the bread.
Google Toaster -> Requires an internet connection to reports back your bread type and browing preferences to Google. Silk screening on the side mysteriously changes to randomly selected ads depending on what condiments you choose to put on your toast.
Blackberry Toaster -> You give the bread to RIM, they toast it and give it back to you.
Loved the BSD and Linux ones lol
lol @ bberry
There won't be any Linux toaster. You would have to bake your own bread (get instruction from the internet) and assemble a toaster yourself which is compatible with it. But don't use actual parts - they might not be supported
If Google made toasters, it will take more then bread; cupcakes, donuts and flan
Windows flags??? I see Jesus.
If the Catholic Church made a toaster, it would print random "thou shalt not..." homilies onto each slice.
If Engadget made a toaster, the first time it made toast it would imprint 'First' on it.
Also, whenever any company anywhere released any product the toaster would compare it to an Apple product.
And finally, it would be made by Paul A Chapel
Or probably even made out of Paul A Chapel.
or maybe even compared to an Apple toaster BY Paul A Chapel
rofl
Paul A Chapel:
"I find it hilarious that Microsoft Toaster fanboys still peddle the myth that Apple Toasters can't toast Pop-Tarts. Ever since Apple joined the OpenFilament alliance, Apple Toasters (with the help of 3rd party developers) support a wider array of toast mediums than M$ Toa$ter$(without including 3rd party developers). With the HotCrossover toaster rack accessory, Apple Toasters can toast Pop-Tarts almost natively!"
@10minutehobo I applaud you, sir, that had me laughing in tears for 2 minutes
Attempts to toast an additional slice of bread in your Engadget toaster would result in:
a) the bread disappearing, or
b) multiple slices of toast suddenly appearing, or
c) the toast appearing in a completely different room to the one you want to eat it in.
An Engadget toaster would also have a preference for toasting bread made by Apple and would burn any bread made by Microsoft. If you objected to this too loudly Thomas Ricker would come to your house and bitch about you.
ok i take a crack at it:
If Microsoft made a toaster... let's see....ummm...
If Microsoft made a toaster...
-the entry level model x86-32 only gives you roughly 3 and a half crunchy "bytes" of toast...no matter how much bread you shove in it
-It take 8 minutes to warm-up
-pushing down the toast lever activates User Account Control prompting a voice, "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
-moving the slider from light to darker causes the screen to light up with the message "Toaster needs to install driver software for your selection"
- when it's done...the unit plays the Microsoft shut down audio file ...but IE8 Pop-Up blocker activates, forcing you to let go your Eggo!