If Microsoft made a toaster...
By Thomas Ricker 
posted July 21st 2009 5:28AM
posted July 21st 2009 5:28AM
And if... go ahead, add your own in the comments below.
[Thanks abrahamvir, images courtesy of mazw220]
posted July 21st 2009 5:28AM
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I think that someone else has already made an apple toaster.
http://www.innovationgonewrong.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/itoaster.gif
The nVidia toaster addon would receive bread from the toaster and toast individual crumbs in parallel using General Purpose Toaster Units (GPTUS), thus achieving a 10x speed up in toasting time.
Although the toast is burnt, it does come out with a Bing!
What do you mean an upgrade to "your bread" Nobody actually owns anything microsoft makes. They only have a license to use it. You will need a subscription to bread.
You forgot the NetBSD Toaster:
http://www.embeddedarm.com/software/arm-netbsd-toaster.php
...you would actually need directions!
...engineers would get this one.
Enough with the computer companies, you nerds! Let's expand our horizons:
If the Pentagon made a toaster, it would cost $11 billion, be useful for just one year if it ever worked at all, and give breadmaking jobs only to people in East Podunk.
If Sarah Palin made a toaster, it would quit shortly after making a lot of meaningless noise.
If George W. Bush made a toaster, it would print a stupid-looking grin on each slice.
If John McCain made it toaster, it would copy George W. Bush's.
If Barack Obama made a toaster, you'd have to put in two slices for each one that came out.
If China made a toaster, it would work like Barack Obama's but for a different reason.
If Ford made a toaster, you'd have to push it across the table to get it started.
If Home Depot made a toaster, it would be DOA and have a warped case, and you'd have to stand in line for hours to return it.
If NASA made a toaster, it would... (never mind--that was going to be in bad taste).
If Chris Matthews made a toaster, it would require bread shaped like fence sections.
If Sears made a toaster, taking it in for service would cost you $29.95 just to have them tell you that they no longer had a service manual for it and you'd have to buy a new one.
If Wal-mart made a toaster, the instructions would be in Chinese only.
If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a toaster, the bread that came out would be different from that which went in.
If Ben Bernanke made a toaster, it would start making its own bread if you stopped putting any in, but that bread would have little substance.
If Daniel's Bagels made a toaster, it wouldn't work with their bagels.
If I made a toaster, it would only work with bread from the Cheese Board Collective.
^ Bahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Obama toaster was particularly clever!
Bill Clinton Toaster >>> Secretly puts its bread into other toasters when it things no one is looking. Will argue over the definition of "toast".
Hillary Toaster >>> Comes free with the Bill Toaster, but will eventually break and dispose of it leaving itself as your only option.
Fox News Toaster >>> Silently judges you for using any other appliance in the kitchen.
Government toaster >>> All toast that comes out of it is ruffly one half the size of whatever bread you put in it.
French Toaster >>> Is not available in the U.S. Is way too good for you. Will resist any attempts to make toast, but any use of force will cause it to comply without question. Secretly collaborates with German toasters.
German Toaster >>> Only works with white bread. Has no "dark" setting. (same as the KKK toaster.....yeah....I went there)
If Microsoft made a toaster, it would be a re-branded toaster from another company, with a facelift and some minor performance improvements. Until Microsoft Toste V2, which will be a complete revision designed in-house from the ground up which won't light on fire, destroy the toast, or mysteriously stop working after "updates."
If Apple made a toaster, it would have extremely useless apps and definitely be extremely overpriced. Then in the advertisement they would have a piece of toast with another piece of toast claiming one to be a PC and one to be Mac and the blinding white background will show up behind them, as always, then at the end some of that classical music will play and show the silver, and tacky Apple logo. Fanboys all across the world will have their iPhone 3GS, and their $1699 MacBooks Pros and they would be waiting in line for weeks at the nearest Apple store just to get the new iToaster. They would be jamming out to Celine Dion on their iPod Touches. Then they would go home and their iToaster would have tons of hardware issues and they would whine and moan to Apple and Apple will make an update about a month later and the world will be a better place. Thanks Apple.
"There's an app for that."
=)
Microsoft Toaster works fine most of the time (even if a little heavy on the power consumption), except when you choke on the toast with no warning and for no apparent reason. Sometimes it will shut itself down in the middle of toasting - because of an "important update" - usually causing you to lose your toasts. By default it will cut your toasts in aesthetically pleasant forms, but after a while you will probably turn this feature off to make it work faster. Actually, it's quite a decent toaster that will just do the work for most people; however, it gained a lot of bad fame due to users who insist on sticking to outdated and potentially dangerous parts, such as Toast Explorer 6.
Most people have heard about the Linux Toaster only because "some friend of theirs has one"; despite the common belief, modern Linux toasters are quite easy to install, and will work with most types of bread - except yours. Also, expect that you are gonna be hungry for some two weeks after switching to a Linux toaster, as at first nothing will work properly; such periods of hunger will continue throughout your life with the Linux toaster, with varying length and frequency. Linux toasters are generally low on power consumption; with a Linux toaster you can also get many different flavours of toast. Among these, variations of the KDE toast are popular; however, recently it's been starting to resemble the Microsoft toasts more and more, causing many people to switch to the lighter and healthier XFCE toast. As a user of Linux toaster, you also run the risk of degrading your social life - as you are likely to start doing nothing but baking toasts in your spare time. There are legends of individuals and even institutions that have managed to get the Linux toaster working without any issues, but those can be safely put among myths and fairy tales.
Until now, Google have mostly made money from putting ads on other types of toast; however, recently they started working on their own toaster, known as Chrome - though some people say it's just a browser and not a full toaster, and others claim it's the Linux toaster in disguise. Almost everyone has heard of the Google Toaster, but very few have actually managed to get a working copy; according to Google, all those early, so-called "developer toasters" are extremely dangerous and will most likely cause you to lose your job and your family. While it will occasionally cause half (or all) of your toast to disappear and is quite heavy on power consumption, it is much, much faster than other toasters - to the point where many users are willing to overlook its lack of features; ignoring the fact that if you stripe the other toasters from all those features, they will run comparably fast as well.
If a computer programmer made a toaster, he wouldn't be willing to use parts that anyone else had designed.
If a home remodeling contractor made a toaster, it would never get finished.
If Peet's Coffee made a toaster, each component would have an origin label.
If Toshiba made a toaster, no bread currently produced would fit into it.
If Sony made a toaster, the bread would be proprietary.
If Amazon made a toaster it would cost far too much, but some people would buy it anyway.
If a street con made a toaster, it would say it wanted bread but would only accept cash.
If Japan made a toaster, it would print upskirt images on each slice.
If France made a toaster, the slices would come out moldy.
If the UK made a toaster, it would require coal to operate.
What about black toast of death?
Microsoft's toaster would need a stylus to push the buttons and would have to have a start button. It would take about 2 minutes to startup once you press the start button. Every time you put in a new slice of bread, User Account Control would be there to irritate you.
Apple's toaster would cost twice as much as MS's, it would be called the iToaster and you would need to buy apps from its App store to get the toaster to run. It would only run from one electricity supplier and would need to be jail-broken to be able to use other electricity suppliers.
If Google made the toaster, it would toast the bread half-way and then lose interest.
if linux made a toaster you'd be making your own driver for each OBM (Original Bread Manufacturer)
If Linux made a toaster, you'd have to make your own bread. Store bought stuff would be incompatible.
Microsoft did make a toaster, it's call the xbox 360.
Probably the best comment out of all six pages.^
IF HP made a toaster it would spray a perfect image of a golden brown toast on your bread. The replacement cartridges would be $30 per. Don’t get your toast wet or it will run.
Just want the earbuds, but will take the Zune too!
Has people notice the latest batch of MS Toaster Hunting Ads on TV, and now Apple Toaster Team isn't happy because they lowered their iToast price to $99.99 and but people can still get MS Compatible Toaster for around $20.
Carlsberg don't make toasters, but if they did......
AbsolutToast
iToaster:Works with PalmBread (until version 8.2.1)
What if 50 Cent made a toasta?
Frakking Toasters !
I would not want to know how does a MS Toaster BSOD tastes... MY FACE IS GETTING BLUE, what will happen to me when the memory dump ends????
:-$ sudo apt-get install toast
A DOS toaster would take forever to toast. Come out burnt except for the C:\ prompt in the top left. Even though Bill Gates said a two slicer was enough, this one would allow eight.
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to
be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy
a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd
still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh
15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be
the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark
you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their
toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5
years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices
would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your
bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything
about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own
toaster.
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands
and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover
the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant
Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole
appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good
cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in
toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got
burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the
same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any
other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black
cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top
of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone
number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly
classified government documents. The X-Files would have an
episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to get at your toast for
reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single
piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn
to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted
piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter
toaster.
If CostCo/Price Club made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of
'em.
Can i just have a regular toaster!?
Google Chrome OS toaster: No slots, doesn't toast bread. But if you buy one, someday it'll rain down toasted bread from the Clouds!
If Microsoft made a toaster, it would suggest you to scan your bread for errors before using it.
It would also randomly stop toasting and produce error messages that Microsoft doesn't even know the meaning of.
If your bread is of high enough quality, you can use it to speed up the cooking of the rest of your breakfast.
Comcast would cut you off after toasting an arbitrary amount of bread per month, unless you pay extra.
If you did not pay for the bread to begin with, the BIAA (Baking Industry Association of America) will sue you. And win.
If Apple made a toaster, it would introduce iToast 3G S. S for speed, which lets you toast 2x faster. The built-in voice control lets you use your voice to toast.
IF it is made by Hp,,,,, then it will have Compaq Serial Number. in front side and on Back side it will have Hp logo.
Apple's toaster will allow you to toast two pieces of bread - one in each side.
The lever will allow you to raise and lower the left piece of bread. There is a key you can hold down that allows you to use the lever to raise and lower the right piece of bread.
I haven't the time this morning to read all of the comments on all five pages, so if anyone has already asked this question, please forgive my repetition. But I have to ask: would the Apple toaster come with a small screen on the side, that would show a "Happy Faced Mac" when the toast toasted correctly, and a "Sickly Faced Mac" when the toast burned or got stuck in the toaster? I was just wondering...
And would a Microsoft toaster come with a 500-page resource kit? and a telephone number to a help line that requires you to wait anywhere from at least 30 minutes to possibly three hours for assistance, because Microsoft has recently discontinued your particular version of toasting software for a much buggier version, so they are experiencing "heavy call volumes"?
You know, if you REALLY want to get toasting done correctly, you need to go all the way back to mainframe toasting. That way you can use key-punch cards, that you would feed the card into the bottom of the toaster in a special "Toast Card Reader" and each card would contain all of the parameters for proper toasting, for whatever type bread, darkness of toasting, thickness of bread, etc.
And you would get a perfect piece of toast. Every single time.
:-)
Posting in an epic thread.
Just wait until the marketing guys get a hold of this. It will be renamed "Microsoft Charred Picture Creator 2009, Bread Edition"
Toast Different
[insert picture of Julia Child here]
If Apple made a toaster it would only accept Apple bread.
If Microsoft made a toaster they would label it Vista-ready.
If Google made a toaster it would etch ads into the bread using available data about your toasting habits.
If OLPC made a toaster you'd have to send every other piece of toast to a developing nation.
If Intel made a toaster they'd call it Goomba.
If the GNU project made a toaster, the default toasts color would be purple and green.
If RIM makes a toaster, it better damn well have a hard keyboard.
jailbreak toast!
golden toast
mmm... toast
If sony made a toaster, it would be Full HD and you better use blu-ray slices of Full HD bread!
are you sure you want to toast this bread ms would ask for sure