The Onion turns us on to new, better devices
By Joseph L. Flatley 
posted December 5th 2009 8:32AM
posted December 5th 2009 8:32AM
It's smaller, has fewer buttons, and comes saddled with an aspirational price tag. You want it, right? "The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," company spokesman Thomas Wakefield told The Onion -- and we're inclined to agree. After all, the consumer electronics industry isn't just about buying items that will improve your quality of life. No, it's also about pressing your buttons, finding ways to make you feel good about a brand -- whether through totally rad product placement or ample, yet vague, product specs. All in all, we can't say it better than a certain Robert Larson: "The new device brings me satisfaction." And you can't put a price on that, can you? Available soon for $395.
i dont get it...
The new device saved my marriage. It really fills in the gaps between my Birthday & anniversary.
According to an app I downloaded on the new device I'm getting laid 42% more times a week on average, but with women 37% less attractive... I'm trying to find an app that will tell me if this is good or not.
I have heard of Reds being sold only in Russia and Northern China and a few yellow are popular in the SEA Zone. White predominates the Americas, there have been word of a few imports of the lite purples but they are illegals.
If left too long in any area they cry until they are watered. using large amounts of spray.
Green is the most popular with the upper crust.
Best kept in rolls of newspaper, no plastic.
I may even get a few extra for guests.
Friends have been so happy to receive one, it brings tears to their eyes.
The Onion is turned on when any portion of the outer shield is depressed. It has not been certified as yet by the FCC. and Patents are pending. Any discussions about the inner workings are forbidden.
Discussions at lunch as well.
All rights reserved and discussion will violate any negotiations.
contact the Onion in Hamberg er, germ many.
WTF ... It's so expensive and yet Apple couldn't add Blu-Ray ?
See, now that the new device is out, that means all you rich guys will run out and buy it and sell your old device on ebay or craigslist - and I'll get to buy the old device at half of what you paid last year when it was a new device. This is awesome!
This'll go GREAT with Sony's Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work!
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of
"The new device will also be available in blue."
Bought!
Sounds like they're mocking the iPhone. That's not really fair, since everyone knows Apple sells an experience, not a product. The owners of new device have bought an experience of joy and smugness, while the owners of the old model received disgust and humiliation as a mandatory, free upgrade.
Where I can find this on ebay? I did searching for new devise. I have PayPal.
Bah... even with the new features, it's still not as good as Apple's competing product. Unless it IS an Apple product, then it is the greatest product ever!
/Typical Apple Fanboy Post
Its gotta be real 'cause its in the Onion America's finest news source.
On the other hand if you buy it now you have 2 choices: live on Ramen noodles for the next couple of months or deal with the newer version that is on its way after you bought this recent version.
But I still want it.
Sounds like an apple device. Cannot wait to see it. /s