After that earlier piece on global e-waste, we thought you might want something to lighten the mood. Fortunately, The Onion is ready with a sardonic, blood-shot eye turned to the respective OS releases on the way from Cupertino and Redmond. Click on through for the full comparison while we pack up things from this lame, euro coffee shop.

[Via Daring Fireball]

If you haven't figured it out by now, Microsoft has two release dates for Windows 7: early 2010 according to its corporate PR stooges and sometime around mid 2009 according to everyone else. The reason for the padding is a fairly transparent attempt to avoid the public opinion fiasco resulting from Vista's chronic delays. Now Ina Fried over at CNET has it from Microsoft Director, Doug Howe, that Windows 7 should be ready for general consumption by the 2009 holidays. According to Fried, Howe's WinHEC presentation covering Microsoft's Velocity program to improve PC quality seemed to imply a mid-year Win7 launch. Apparently, a slide said that the Vista Velocity program would run through next spring and then continue on with Windows 7. Afterward, in an apparent direct response to the launch date question, Howe told Fried, "Definitely the holiday focus is going to be on 7." Using the Vista launch as a guide, that would put the new OS in the hands of OEMs and big business IT staff by mid-year, about 3-months before consumers if Vista's timeline holds true. This also aligns nicely with Microsoft's stated plan to launch the public beta early next year followed by a hinted, single release candidate prior to release for manufacturing. So go ahead, just make it official already Microsoft. You had us at pre-Beta.

At WinHEC yesterday, Microsoft also announced early industry support of its Device Stage, advanced peripheral management scheme. So far, the list includes Brother, Epson, HP, Motorola, Nikon, Sansa, Canon, Sony and Nokia. This is more than just plug-and-pray kids, Device Stage is meant to provide users with customized device information and access to things like ring tones, direct management of ink cartridges and photo printing, or links to live customer service chat sessions -- just to name a few of the end user benefits. Microsoft demonstrated the new Windows 7 feature by attaching a Canon SD990 camera to an Eee PC S101 running a 1.6GHz "Atom dual-core chip" (the Atom 330, we presume) to upload a photo over Sierra Wireless' 3G data modem to Flickr, not Windows Live Photo Gallery... oops. See the full video after the break.

Update: Microsoft's PR folks just got in touch to let us know that the device demoed was not a dual-core Atom, but actually a single-core chip. Apparently the speaker misspoke when mentioning what kind of processor was being used.

Now that Windows 7 has launched into pre-Beta, Microsoft has joined the world in Vista-bashing as they look to differentiate their newest OS from the incumbent. Speaking to its hardware partners at WinHEC, Microsoft is promising faster shutdown and startup times and less power consumption than its beleaguered predecessor despite the two sharing the same code base. In addition to an overall reduction in the number of services launched at startup, faster booting is achieved by loading device drivers in parallel instead of sequentially. Windows 7 also manages wireless radios better allowing them to drop below 100% power draw while managing the connection. And by tweaking the OS kernel, the CPU can sometimes run at a lower frequency and stay idle longer. This results are a minimum of 11% better battery life for Windows 7 compared to Vista -- and we're still only talking about pre-Beta Windows 7 software, mind you. Nice. Windows 7 also promises better memory management. So instead of managing all the background windows, Win7 offloads this to the GPU, for example -- system memory is then free for your applications and data. Check the trio of videos demonstrating these improvements after the break.

It's a next-generation operating system and mirror all in one!

[Thanks, Brian H.]

We hope you're prepared to be menaced by the unstoppable, demon-like tech punditry and heart attack-inducing fear that only the Engadget Podcast can provide. This week, the team takes you on a hellish ride through the rancid underworld of the New Xbox Experience with Joystiq's evil kingpin Chris Grant. You can also hear Josh, Paul, and Nilay psychotically sound off on new Netflix happenings, explore the twisted nature of HP's Mini 1000, tear into the meaty gristle of Windows 7, and more. Enter at extreme risk of bodily harm to your personage!

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[Thanks, JS and Rom for the image]

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Sure, Windows 7 will run just fine on a thick slab of screaming desktop, but what everyone's really wondering is how it'll perform on laptops, or better yet, down-market netbooks. The very same stage that put Linux into the grubby hands of the Wal-mart consumer and forced Microsoft to extend the life of XP just to stay in the game. It's all pre-beta stuff for now mind you, but Laptop loaded up its early Windows 7 build onto an Eee PC 1000H (10-inch, 1.6GHz Atom, 1GB RAM) with decent results. For the most part, it ran "pretty well" with Laptop managing to get the netbook's features working from the XP drivers supplied by ASUS. And just as Microsoft demonstrated, the relatively lightweight Microsoft OS required just 485MB of RAM when Windows 7 was fully loaded, sans applications of course. Hot. There were some problems with graphics performance as demonstrated by jumpy, 720p video playback and video conferencing over Skype. Still, pre-beta is exactly that, pre-beta. Drop a gold-release Windows 7 OS onto an Eee PC convertible touchscreen and Microsoft and ASUS might be on to something come mid 2009.

[Thanks, Avram P.]

While it's safe to say the bulk of the pre-beta excitement surrounding Windows 7 went down yesterday, details are still flowing from varying avenues. Up next is a peek at the oft overlooked Tablet PC feature set, which GottaBeMobile was able to showcase a bit thanks to their participation in the Windows 7 beta. We are told that much of what we see could change between now and 2010, but we're digging what we see thus far. Early tests have already shown that Win7 "auto recognizes inline [handwriting into the TIP] rather than displaying the recognition results in a bubble below the word as Vista does," and the new Math Input Panel / Sticky Notes board look all too fun as well. Enough chatter -- hit the read link for more eye candy.

We saw Windows 7's multi-touch capability way, way back in the day when Bill Gates was still at the wheel of Microsoft (uh hem, May). That demo was pretty limited to in-application touches and did little to show off the interaction with the OS and Internet browser -- the two places we find ourselves most often. Now we've finally got some video, brief as it is, that gives a better idea of what it might be like to work with arms out-stretched in front of you to manipulate icons and images on a desktop display. At about 4.20 into the video posted after the break, we see the usual panning and gesture controls already available in Vista on what looks to be HP's TouchSmart PC. We then learn that Microsoft's goal is to enable "most applications," out of the box with simple (think: pinch to zoom) multi-touch on day one of the Windows 7 launch. Individual apps can then be optimized to improve performance and offer a greater degree of touch and multi-touch control. As demonstrated in the video, finger flicks applied to Microsoft's optimized Internet Explorer send the scroll whizzing away compared with an un-optimized MS Word document (shown in a zooming gesture above) while gentle upward swipes to Windows 7 taskbar icons expose jump lists normally requiring a right mouse click. Interesting.

[Via NowhereElse]

Microsoft's Windows 7 announcement earlier today was followed up by an extensive demo of the new features during the PDC keynote, and since then even more info about the new OS has flooded out, so we thought we'd try to wrap up some of the more important bits here for you. Microsoft seems to have done an impressive job at this early pre-beta stage, folding in next-gen interface ideas like multitouch into the same OS that apparently runs fine on a 1GHz netbook with 1GB of RAM, but we'll see how development goes -- there's still a ways to go. Some notes:

• Obviously, the big news is the new taskbar, which forgoes text for icons and has new "jump lists" of app controls and options you can access with a right-click. You can select playlists in Media Player, for example. Super cool: when you scrub over the icons, all the other app windows go transparent so you can "peek" at the windows you're pointing at.
  
• Gadgets now appear on the desktop -- the sidebar has been killed. That makes more sense for all those laptop owners out there with limited screen space, and you can still see gadgets anytime by peeking at the desktop, rendering all other windows transparent.
  
• Window resizing and management now happens semi-automatically: dragging a window to the top of the screen maximizes it, pulling it down restores; dragging a window to the edges auto-resizes it to 50% for quick tiling. Nifty.
• The system tray now only displays what you explicitly say it should -- everything else is hidden, and the controls have been streamlined.
• User Account Control settings are now much more fine-grained -- you can set them by app and by level of access.
  
• They demoed multitouch features on an HP TouchSmart PC -- it was pretty cool, although the usual nagging "what is this good for / that'll get old fast" concerns weren't really addressed. The Start menu gets 25 percent bigger when using touch to make it easier to handle, and apps will all get scroll support automatically. There's also a giant on-screen predictive keyboard. Again -- could be amazing, but we won't know until it's out in the wild.
• We've always known Microsoft intends Windows 7 to run on netbooks, and we got a small taste during the PDC keynote: Windows SVP Steve Sinofsky held up his "personal" laptop running Windows 7, an unnamed 1GHz netbook with 1GB of RAM that looked a lot like an Eee PC, and said that it still had about half its memory free after boot. (We're guessing it was running a VIA Nano, given the announcement this morning and since most Atoms run at 1.6GHz.)
  
• At the other end of the scale, Windows 7 supports machines with up to 256 CPUs.
• Multiple-monitor management is much-improved, as is setting up projectors -- it's a hotkey away. Remote Desktop now works with multiple monitors as well.
• Media Center has been tweaked as well -- it looks a lot more like the Zune interface. There's also a new Mini Guide when watching video, and a new Music Wall album artwork screensaver that kicks in when you're playing music.
  
• Devs got a pre-beta today; a "pretty good" feature complete beta is due early next year. No word at all on when it'll be released to market apart from that "three years from Vista" date we've known forever.

That's just the good bits -- hit the read links for piles of more info and screenshots, and we'll keep our eyes out for anything else interesting. Exciting times!

Read - Keynote videos on the PDC site
Read - Technologizer Windows 7 hands-on
Read - Ars Technica Windows 7 interface walkthrough
Read - Laptop Windows 7 hands-on
Read - Windows 7 Media Center revealed

We knew good and well Microsoft was gearing up to drop a pre-beta release of Windows 7 in developers' laps at its Professional Developers Conference, but now we're being treated to a host of details from Redmond itself. For starters, it's showing off (for the first time, mind you) its new Web applications for Office. As you'd expect, said apps are "lightweight versions of Microsoft Office Word, Excel, PowerPoint and OneNote that are used from within standard web browsers." According to Ray Ozzie, chief software architect at Microsoft, it's aiming to bring "the best of the web to Windows, and the best of Windows to the web." 'Course, we're also told about improved navigation, a new taskbar (preview shown), support for multi-touch gestures, Device Stage and enhanced AV integration -- all things that have our interest decidedly piqued. Hit the read link for the full spill direct from the horse's mouth.

A first true glimpse of Windows 7, Microsoft's Vista successor, is T minus 1 day and counting. So far we know very little. Oh sure, it supports multi-touch and takes 1,000 engineers to code but the real details will emerge from Tuesday's kickoff to the PDC 2008 developer conference. As detailed by TG Daily, the PDC track notes dedicate 22 of the 155 tracks to Windows 7 with 2 further dedicated to GPU acceleration under the titles, "Unlocking the GPU with Direct3D," and "Writing Your Application to Shine on Modern Graphics Hardware." Interesting times given Apple's announced OS X Snow Leopard support for OpenCL GPU acceleration in partnership with new best buds, Nvidia, and Intel planning to kill off the GPU entirely. Somebody has to be wrong.

[Thanks, Jeelz]

We heard the rumor now ASUS' CEO, Jerry Shen, confirms in an interview with Laptop that ASUS will slap a touchscreen and Windows 7 into a new Eee PC sometime in the second half of 2009. A statement likely to make a few project managers at Microsoft uncomfortable as that cuts into the official early 2010 padding built into their Win7 Gantt charts. The touch-enabled Eee PC model(s) could come in the form of a convertible tablet although Shen wouldn't specify -- he only promised more details in Q1, presumably at CES. Unsurprisingly, ASUS has no plans to put Vista onto Eee PCs at all. Also noteworthy is the introduction of "more exciting" Eee PC rigs in Q1 and Q2 in prices ranging from $250 (yes, $250) to $700. Steadily inching closer to that ellusive $199 Eee PC.

Other interesting points from the interview:

• Eee Top all-in-one PC will be released at the end of this month
• EeeStick (and compatible games) is to be released soon as both an Eee PC bundle and as a separate accessory (depending upon country) priced somewhere between $50 and $100
  
• Two new "Eee products" (not Eee PCs if we read this correctly) will be announced in January
  
• Eee PC devices will be limited to 10-inch, and smaller displays -- Shen describes the netbook as a platform to consume content whereas a laptop is for creating content
• ASUS is focused on improving battery life and startup times on future Eee PCs -- adding more power, like dual-core Atoms, is not a priority