A lovely sunday brunch with WRT54GSv4, photo by Jesse
I've had a lot of loves in this long life of mine -- all those widescreen monitors, my harem of laptops, smartphone after smartphone -- but I'm through with all them since I found you. Before I had you, I was doomed to a life of serial short term relationships with Netgear and D-Link (which was by far the worst). Oh, how many times I rolled out of bed to a router I didn't even remember bringing home -- one I was quick to forget.
I'd even had a few other Linksys routers. Remember when we split up and I was with one of those v5 units that ran vxWorks? Oh god, what a world of pain it put me through, what heartache! But even when we got back together things weren't always good. You were still crashing all the time, and for some reason you wouldn't let me play Xbox Live (why, dear, why?). But then our friend suggested you go seek help, turn your life around with DD-WRT. It was the best thing you ever did for yourself, and I'm so proud of you.
I see my friends with their fine young 802.11n things, but they're so unstable. You're a rock. You've really grown up since v23 SP1. But more importantly you've changed my life for the better, and I now know you're the perfect one for me. I love you, Linksys WRT54GSv4 router running DD-WRT v23 SP2, don't you ever forget that.
K800i, shall I compare thee to other phones?
Thou art more featured than the competition:
Rough winds do not affect thine call quality,
And others don't often play one's AACs;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
Though not oft' is your reflective display dimm'd;
And every fair mobile phone sometime declines,
By chance or unexpected water damage:
But thy eternal email access shall not fade
Thanks partially to possession of fair insurance;
Nor shall others brag that they also own you,
For my particular K800i has goatse stickers:
So long as peeps can speak, and fingers can text,
So long lives this K800i, thy gives social life to me.
Finally Paul can be known for his creepy love song about his GameCube -- and not just his creepy stalker song about Pete.
Download - Video [MP4]
Download - Audio [MP3]
To my beloved PocketDish Archos AV402E,
You're a simple thing, really -- and I've grown to love you dearly. You're there when I wake up, when I'm needing a companion, when sweet music need fill these ears.
Yes, to some you may be just another silver portable media device -- but not to me. You are a beauty of curves and lines that betters my life with all that you do. I'm giddy when I hear you, see you, touch you, play with you. I love how you relate to that dear DVR of mine -- why can't others be like you? How you do what you do is something I'll never ask.
There are so many things to thank you for today; thank you so much for taking care of about 15GB of my music collection at any given time. And for hanging onto our pictures and video, including sideloaded satellite programming. You're the best, and I sincerely mean that. Isn't it obvious? We need each other. Day after day, you are just yourself, and every night I give you the recharge that keeps you going. Don't ever change. You're perfect just the way you are.
Hugs and Kisses!
Evan "painted" his beloved HTC Apache a little something for Valentine's day. Full size version here.
Oh, MyGIG, where would I be without you?
Your turn-by-turn directions, they whisper like haiku.
As I struggle to escape my wintry locale,
Only but a few times, have you led me afoul.
As I search for the place that will be my next home,
Your guidance is true, wherever I roam.
From property to domicile, you lead the way,
and music stream outs -- whenever I press play.
And as we maneuver through the series of streets,
your Bluetooth connectivity makes me complete,
I speak to my pal without moving a hand,
and you're even so kind as to (momentarily) mute the band.
So many locations for directions I entreat,
from Cook-Out to old friends to Hillsborough Street,
and when I arrive, so quick. I'll be frank,
it's you, MyGIG, whom I must thank."
Ode to Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000
For years I have typed
on keyboards, without fail
But nothing felt quite right
'till I found you on sale
Split down the middle
your keys all askew
Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000
What did I do without you?
Others don't understand
keyboards like you, they stare
But we just ignore them
We know their ergonomics scare
Your name is, of course, a mouthful
but your faults are few
Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000
What did I do without you?
Dearest DirecTV HR20,
I know that our relationship was dysfunctional. Actually, all the dysfunction was on your side, but I'm not here to point fingers -- I'm here to tell you that I want to give it another shot.
Ever since I went to your little sister, the H20, things just haven't been the same. Now, I'm not saying she's stupid, but sometimes it seems as though she has no memory whatsoever, and I'm not sure I can live like that. Maybe I'm just spoiled by the way you unwaveringly watched all the shows I enjoyed most, and could faithfully recite them back to me. I don't know, but I want it back in my life.
I know that you've been really busy lately between warranty repair and the constant firmware upgrades, but I feel like your disposition has improved, your flakiness has diminished, and you're altogether a better DVR than when I left you. Please, be mine.
Forever yours (or at least until the D-HR20P comes out),
It started with a shimmer
hot, incandescent lighting of our dirty German digs
Dressed in blue, you spoke
words muffled 'neath the rugged plexiglas tomb of your birth
Things had changed
For now... I must look, not touch
silicon titillation... nectar to the tongue
No pops, no hiss, no twin-engine blast
No battery frustration
OS on a bullet
Thirty two gig on a whisper
Shh, can you hear it?
Ssss... Ssss... Deee...
Come for me at last
I know I'm still married to Windows, and that you caught me fooling around with OS X, but I promise you're my true love, and that someday I'll throw them all aside for you. It's just complicated, you know? I haven't had the guts to break it to Windows yet, but I swear I'm planning to tell them soon about how things just sort of happened between us. It's not like either of us planned this. I thought I'd just flirt a little bit with your Live CD, but before I knew it was installing you onto my old Gateway desktop and spending night after night with you.
You just have to be patient with me. If we really love each other we'll work everything out and be together, right? Besides, you do have to admit you have a few issues you need to work on. I mean, I know I'm not perfect, but you definitely have some things you need to change about yourself before I can toss aside everything in my life to spend it with you. I love you, but I can't spend my time trying to make you into the perfect OS. So please don't be upset that I'm spending tonight with Windows, I promise that the marriage is over and that I'll make it up to with a shiny new widescreen monitor next week.