Engadget's Holiday Gift Guide: for enemy

Your enemy. Who do you hate more than them? No one. So who better to direct your holiday rage towards than that pitiful excuse for a human. Sure, it's a gift, but with the selections we've picked out, the target of your scorn will wish they'd gotten something as useful as a stocking full of coal. This is the moment to unleash that torrent of backed up anger from a season of crowded malls, annoying caroling, and an ever-shrinking bank statement. Let Engadget guide you through the valleys of dislike, and bore you up onto the mountain peaks of loathing and execration. And when you're done with this hate-bath, don't forget to check into our other, less nasty guides right here!

$0 - 50

Punk Skull Belt Buckle - Your disdain for the person you're shopping for surely won't match the disdain he or she is bound to meet with once sporting this skeletal beast, it's that simple. Part fashion faux pas, part multimedia overload, this LED / MP3 player is sure to let your special, special friend know just how you "feel" about them.

$50.75 - Buy from Inesun.com

Awethumb - This one's basically like a kick in the teeth, without the mess or icky violence. The Awethumb will make the same point -- "I don't like you and you're awful" -- without breaking the bank, either. Designed for heavy texters to give some relief to their thumbs and ostensibly make typing "easier" on a QWERTY keyboard, we're pretty sure it (they?) fails in both respects. But you know, we give it a "thumbs up" on making people look like asses.
$11.98 - Buy from Awethumb

Scosche reviveLIGHT - An iPod charger / nightlight doesn't sound like a completely terrible gift, until you get a look at Scosche's take on the concept. It's ugly, it's clunky, and to be honest, a little steep for what you get! So, yeah, perfect for someone you don't like at all. Just be sure to not give them a receipt -- we wouldn't want any returns lightening the load around your enemy's abode.
$39.99 - Buy from Scosche

$51 - 100

Fake iPhone - We don't know how much one of these costs, or where you can possibly get one, but by all means: if you have someone you really, really want to diss this holiday season, you absolutely cannot go wrong with a fake iPhone. This one, in particular, seems to have a real (albeit 1st-gen) iPhone casing, although it lacks innards or the ability to do anything beyond turn on. All the better for your not-beloved, right? Imagine the disappointment!
$?? - Somewhere in Russia.

HD DVD player - Yup, any HD DVD player will get the job done. While you're at it, maybe throw in an HD DVD copy of Battlefield Earth to seal the deal. Oh, that's right: you can't get Battlefield Earth on HD DVD. Your cruelty will be truly, undeniably on display with this one.
$55-$100 - Shop for HD DVD players

Scale Mouse - It's a mouse, but also a pocket scale. In our opinion, most senseless hybridizations of devices result in super awesome gifts for people you can't stand, but this one is surely a standout example of pointlessness. And yes, it also adds insult to injury if the enemy you're buying for has chubby hands.
$59.95 - Buy from American Weigh

$101 - 250

Celio REDFLY - Oh, the REDFLY... the Windows Mobile equivalent to Palm's (intelligently) abandoned Foleo gets right to the heart of what you're trying to say: I dislike you enough to get you this expensive, terribly unexciting, and borderline useless companion for your WinMo device. Hey -- at least their phone will have a friend, right?
$229 - Buy from Celio

Solid Alliance 2GB USB Skull Ring - This is a distinctly non-holiday-spirit-inducing gift sure to underwhelm or horrify the recipient. Unless your enemy is Lemmy Kilmister, you probably can't go wrong with this "gift."
$206 - Buy from Geek Stuff 4 U

CherryPal Cloud PC - "Hey, I got you this really great PC by CherryPal! Yeah, I've been hearing great things about it for years -- it's not out yet, but I pre-ordered it for you. You'll be one of the first to own it!" That's right -- CherryPal's been promising this one for ages, and it's not likely to appear anytime soon, so if you want to really let someone down, just tell them you got them this doozy. It's pretty likely they'll be waiting a long, long time for the gift to materialize.
$249 - "Buy" from Amazon (Warning: woefully, eternally "out of stock")

$251 - 500

Meizu M8 - So close, and yet so far. Want to be doubly annoying? Hand it over and then immediately start lecturing about how deeper codec support actually makes the M8 far superior to the iPhone instead of just a late, overpriced KIRF. Everyone loves when you talk about that forever and ever.
$?? - Shop at one of Meizu's retail stores

Crystal Icing - Everyone secretly wants their expensive gadgets aggressively bedazzled, right? We recommend something with dragons, flames or skulls, like a flaming dragon skull. Go with your douchebag gut.
Prices vary - Buy from Crystal Icing

Inkjet printer (any brand) - It's loud, it's clunky, the drivers are minimally functional and they'll be paying through the nose for ink until they break down and just buy a whole new one. There's nothing like an inkjet to say you sort of secretly hate someone.
Prices vary - Buy from whatever bastion of big box commercialism your enemy hates the most.

$501 - 1000

Blackberry Storm tattoo - True story: at the NYC meetup last week, the room filled with loud boos whenever the Blackberry Storm was mentioned. (Listen for yourselves here.) Personalize that experience for your best frenemy by inking them up -- bonus points if you tell them you're shelling out for an iPhone and pull a switcheroo.
~$501 (includes free Storm) - Buy from Mystic Impressions Tattoo Studio: "4 years in business with 0% infections reported!"

MP7 phone - MP3? MP4? Screw that -- drag your giftee kicking and screaming into the future with the MP7 phone. They'll be far more understanding about the need for open formats in no time.
$599 - Do you really care enough to track one down?

Palm Treo 800w - Palm's on the verge of unleashing an entirely new OS and line of handsets at CES this year -- so why not shackle your "friend" down with a two-year contract on some chubby last-gen hardware?
$250 with contract, endless monthly payments - Buy from Palm

iTreo 800p - Boss always yapping about how he'd get an iPhone if only it had a QWERTY keyboard? Shut him up forever with this abomination -- if you can actually manage to find one.

$1001+

Epson Hello Kitty laptop - This underpowered $1,533 machine with a one-hour battery life would be a terrible present even if it didn't have some of the worst Hello Kitty art we've ever seen stuck to the lid, but you know what? It's got some of the worst Hello Kitty art we've ever seen stuck to the lid.
$1,533 - Shop for Hello Kitty laptop

Honda Walking Assist Device with Bodyweight Support System - Yes, there are many people out there who'd be absolutely thrilled to receive Honda's latest walking aid out of love -- but pretty much everyone else will just look like a giant fatass who needs a robo-wedgie to help them walk.

Bioscleave House - Let's be honest -- if you hate someone enough to buy them a wacky $2m art house with an undulating floor and off-kilter windows designed to keep occupants "on guard" at all times to "maintain equilibrium," you probably need to spend the money on a vacation.

[dale1v @ Dec 24th 2008 3:51PM]

An envelope of Anthrax will suffice.

[Flashpoint @ Dec 24th 2008 4:04PM]

Anthrax is so deliberate...

get them a bunch of wii accessories - when you know they don't have one. Then they'll spend the next 3 years wasting time trying to find one for a reasonable price.

cold waits outside of Best Buy.
sweaty hot waits outside of Toys R Us...

and the sad thing is, they'll think you care about em.

[Glenn Tobey @ Dec 24th 2008 4:15PM]

Is there like a shortage of Wiis or something? cause my costco had like 30 or 40 for 240 each. So that's what me and my dad got my mom for christmas.

[Flashpoint @ Dec 24th 2008 6:55PM]

Costco/ BJ's might have Wii's because they force you to have a $100 a year mmembership to join - thus making it so they will be able to guarrantee special purchase abilities to their club.

but REGULAR stores around like Gamestop and Toys r Us are bone dry of Wii's.

[David @ Dec 24th 2008 8:06PM]

They forgot the neck massager!

[Jason @ Dec 24th 2008 9:19PM]

Yeah, they also need to add the Hallmark Jumbo-sized Snowman Snowglobe, which, when placed in a window apparently catches your furniture on fire.

First they'll think you hate them. Then, they'll know it.

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE4BM4HH20081223

[silverblackvoid @ Dec 24th 2008 11:03PM]

this article is pointless.

[Jenny @ Dec 25th 2008 1:10AM]

Wii isn't hard to find if you TRY. If you don't have the time to call areas stores (where I've seen them here in Dallas), you've been able to get them for limited markup on eBay for weeks. Sometimes the sellers are loosing money on them with the "free" shipping, and generally don't make more than $20 on a transaction. Same goes for Wii Fit.

[lowdef @ Dec 25th 2008 1:35AM]

I have absolutely no idea where there is a shortage of wiis near me. I keep hearing bitching but at the Frys, 2 bestbuys and a gamestop I saw a shitload of wiis. Not to mention my family got one the christmas it came out by literally walking in a gamestop and picking one up. Im sure shortages exist but still...

[Sk8rman @ Dec 25th 2008 8:08PM]

@Glenn Tobey

lol i wish i lived near you

my costco was sold out every weekend since November (weekends are the only time i can go cause of school)

[Interpol @ Dec 24th 2008 3:55PM]

OK...but who's the real loser here? The one receiving the lame gift, or the idiot who spends money to buy his enemy a fricking present? Fail!

[Penguin Warlord @ Dec 24th 2008 4:07PM]

Failing to see that this article is a joke is a bigger fail ...

[Flashpoint @ Dec 24th 2008 4:16PM]

Well...if you buy your ENEMY a gift, they'll think you care and they'll reciprocate.

You meant to be mean - they might get you something you like...then you stop being enemies. I'd rather have enemies than friends.

Except for neocons..I could give a fk what they think.

[KezMondo @ Dec 24th 2008 4:21PM]

It's so fail, it might just be a win.

[Shinigami @ Dec 24th 2008 4:57PM]

A "gift for an enemy" might be a better joke on a friend than some lame present they don't really need.
At least if the friend has a good sense of humor and can understand the joke and not get upset because of it.

[avirji @ Dec 24th 2008 3:55PM]

Irony:

The $1001 Epson Hello Kitty laptop has more ports than the MacBook Air (base $1799)

[Matthew C @ Dec 24th 2008 3:58PM]

because part count really makes a laptop better. I'd worry about the quality of those parts. I definitely don't buy a macbook air. For friend, for enemy, for self, its a waste.

[Matthew C @ Dec 24th 2008 4:00PM]

oh, and btw the hello kitty laptop is $1,533. READ.

[BowserUSC @ Dec 24th 2008 4:01PM]

@Matthew C:

Port you idiot, he said port.
Why does everyone feel it's their job to be a jack@ss online.

[Jason @ Dec 24th 2008 4:09PM]

Self-referential irony! Love it, Bowser! Love! It!

[avirji @ Dec 24th 2008 4:11PM]

Sorry my bad... I just read the $1001+ above the laptop. Nonetheless, I can't believe something that looks that ridiculous has more ports than the MacBook Air.

[T Hom @ Dec 24th 2008 9:10PM]

Haha avirji you have nothing to be sorry about. It seems as though Matthew is just an idiot. So busy giving you shit for not getting the price correct and not "READ"ing, his dumbass doesn't even correctly read your post. I laughed.

[ihatestuff08 @ Dec 24th 2008 3:55PM]

M8's pretty darn powerful though. If it didn't look exactly like an iPhone, i'd buy it.

[Eli Gundry @ Dec 24th 2008 4:11PM]

Truth be told, I don't really understand Engadget's hate of the M8. It's a slick looking device that serves its purpose quite nicely. Is it an iPhone? No. Is it ripping off the iPhone? Yes. But does that make it any less of a capable device? No. I'd love it if my enemy gave me one.

By the way Engadget, what's up with posting a gift guide on Christmas Eve? Last week would have been nice.

[G @ Dec 25th 2008 4:42AM]

I agree, if you can get one for a reasonable price it seems like a nice phone.

[Riley @ Dec 25th 2008 7:02AM]

they hate it because it's not an iPhone

[John @ Dec 25th 2008 11:03AM]

In the literary world, copying another person's work is called plagiarism. It's met with career-ruining consequences and has a horrible connotation.

For some reason, in the tech world, copying another person's work is called a ripoff and somehow garners praise for companies "sticking it to the man."

Quite simply, the M8 is the perfect example of the sad state of intellectual property rights and global copyright laws in the tech field.

[joe23521 @ Dec 26th 2008 1:48PM]

@John:

There's more to the M8 than it's external design, whose similarity to the iPhone is denied by no one. Check out some of its specs before labeling it a ripoff.

[wickedpheonix @ Dec 24th 2008 3:56PM]

Engadget oughtta release a "for procrastinators" Holiday Gift Guide at 11:00 PM eastern time today (Christmas EVE)

(excuse the Freudian slip)

[Sneakz @ Dec 24th 2008 4:07PM]

Any digital gift card will suffice or downloadable application/game.

[NeoDarkSaver @ Dec 24th 2008 3:56PM]

i actually want that palm treo 800w...

so anyone wants to be my enemy now?

[npChaos @ Dec 24th 2008 6:48PM]

I will send you a half a giant centro glued to half an iphone.

..and then COD you for the value of both.

[NeoDarkSaver @ Dec 24th 2008 7:11PM]

actually i have the Sprint SERO plan, and i am loving it.

[JJ @ Dec 24th 2008 3:56PM]

The BEST, I read BEST "For:" list engadget has ever done. PERIOD.
hahaha.
Like Buck Nasty would say some 3 years ago, "Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!"

[Arkenklo @ Dec 26th 2008 8:59AM]

Make love not War-craft!

[Ashwin @ Dec 24th 2008 3:56PM]

Ordering a bunch of pizzas to their house works too, especially with toppings they despise.

[Matthew C @ Dec 24th 2008 3:57PM]

why does no one like the scale mouse?

for someone who frequently sells small packages on ebay, it could be great!

[Jason @ Dec 24th 2008 4:13PM]

No, silly. That's what the watch scale is for.

http://www.engadget.com/2008/08/21/watchscale-attempts-to-become-the-new-calculator-watch/

[Steve-O @ Dec 24th 2008 11:40PM]

And don't forget the people that sell small packages...not on ebay ;)

[Matt @ Dec 25th 2008 12:42AM]

i'm with ya, i'd love that scale mouse! sell some "small packages" and use the money to buy some swag online, it's a win win!

[Iceman @ Dec 24th 2008 3:58PM]

cool stuff

[cheng @ Dec 24th 2008 9:58PM]

i see what you did there

[yopladas @ Dec 24th 2008 3:58PM]

What about all those crappy crystal earbuds?

[Ian @ Dec 25th 2008 1:45AM]

because do you really want to spend 10 grand on your enemy?

[yopladas @ Dec 25th 2008 2:37AM]

Because then they will have to spend 10 grand on ME!!!
***grins***

[114 @ Dec 24th 2008 3:58PM]

For Enemy: Apple iPhone and it's craptastic virtual keyboard, software, and network.
Muahaha.

[Merely Impressed @ Dec 24th 2008 7:11PM]

Ehh... I thought it would be better. The whole series has been mediocre honestly. Better luck next time. The website is still godly though!

[BowserUSC @ Dec 24th 2008 3:59PM]

Not a very great list. I'm confused as to why an inkjet printer is on it. And the Scale Mouse would be perfect for the drug dealer/hardcore gamer.

[Othello @ Dec 24th 2008 4:58PM]

Keep your (real) drugs outta my vidya games!

But yeah, I don't know how much I'd appreciate a cloud of coke going up every time I play Fallout 3.

[AL @ Dec 24th 2008 6:10PM]

A HP inkjet is not good enough. It has to be some real shitty no name brand inkjet printer that has proprietary inkjet cartridges that can only be bought online from Nigeria, a paper feeder and crappy rollers that manages to turn your portrait feed paper into a landscape output every second page and a manual that has been poorly translated from Chinese to English.