$0 - 50
Punk Skull Belt Buckle
- Your disdain for the person you're shopping for surely won't match the disdain he or she is bound to meet with once sporting this skeletal beast, it's that simple. Part fashion faux pas, part multimedia overload, this LED / MP3 player is sure to let your special, special friend know just how you "feel" about them.
$50.75 - Buy from Inesun.com
- This one's basically like a kick in the teeth, without the mess or icky violence. The Awethumb will make the same point -- "I don't like you and you're awful" -- without breaking the bank, either. Designed for heavy texters to give some relief to their thumbs and ostensibly make typing "easier" on a QWERTY keyboard, we're pretty sure it (they?) fails in both respects. But you know, we give it a "thumbs up" on making people look like asses.
$11.98 - Buy from Awethumb
- An iPod charger / nightlight doesn't sound like a completely terrible gift, until you get a look at Scosche's take on the concept. It's ugly, it's clunky, and to be honest, a little steep for what you get! So, yeah, perfect for someone you don't like at all. Just be sure to not give them a receipt -- we wouldn't want any returns lightening the load around your enemy's abode.
$39.99 - Buy from Scosche
$51 - 100
- We don't know how much one of these costs, or where you can possibly get one, but by all means: if you have someone you really, really want to diss this holiday season, you absolutely cannot go wrong with a fake iPhone. This one, in particular, seems to have a real (albeit 1st-gen) iPhone casing, although it lacks innards or the ability to do anything beyond turn on. All the better for your not-beloved, right? Imagine the disappointment!
$?? - Somewhere in Russia.
HD DVD player
- Yup, any
HD DVD player will get the job done. While you're at it, maybe throw in an HD DVD copy of Battlefield Earth
to seal the deal. Oh, that's right: you can't get Battlefield Earth
on HD DVD. Your cruelty will be truly, undeniably on display with this one.
$55-$100 - Shop for HD DVD players
- It's a mouse, but also a pocket scale. In our opinion, most senseless hybridizations of devices result in super awesome gifts for people you can't stand, but this one is surely a standout example of pointlessness. And yes, it also adds insult to injury if the enemy you're buying for has chubby hands.
$59.95 - Buy from American Weigh
$101 - 250
- Oh, the REDFLY... the Windows Mobile equivalent to Palm's (intelligently) abandoned Foleo
gets right to the heart of what you're trying to say: I dislike you enough to get you this expensive, terribly unexciting, and borderline useless companion for your WinMo device. Hey -- at least their phone will have a friend, right?
$229 - Buy from Celio
Solid Alliance 2GB USB Skull Ring
- This is a distinctly non-holiday-spirit-inducing gift sure to underwhelm or horrify the recipient. Unless your enemy is Lemmy Kilmister, you probably can't go wrong with this "gift."
$206 - Buy from Geek Stuff 4 U
CherryPal Cloud PC
- "Hey, I got you this really great PC by CherryPal! Yeah, I've been hearing great things about it for years -- it's not out yet, but I pre-ordered it for you. You'll be one of the first to own it!" That's right -- CherryPal's been promising this one for ages, and it's not likely to appear anytime soon, so if you want to really let someone down, just tell them you got them this doozy. It's pretty likely they'll be waiting a long, long time for the gift to materialize.
$249 - "Buy" from Amazon
(Warning: woefully, eternally "out of stock")
$251 - 500
- So close, and yet so far. Want to be doubly annoying? Hand it over and then immediately start lecturing about how deeper codec support actually makes the M8 far superior to the iPhone instead of just a late, overpriced KIRF. Everyone loves when you talk about that forever and ever.
$?? - Shop at one of Meizu's retail stores
- Everyone secretly wants their expensive gadgets aggressively bedazzled, right? We recommend something with dragons, flames or skulls, like a flaming dragon skull. Go with your douchebag gut.
Prices vary - Buy from Crystal Icing
Inkjet printer (any brand)
- It's loud, it's clunky, the drivers are minimally functional and they'll be paying through the nose for ink until they break down and just buy a whole new one. There's nothing like an inkjet to say you sort of secretly hate someone.
Prices vary - Buy from whatever bastion of big box commercialism your enemy hates the most.
$501 - 1000
Blackberry Storm tattoo
- True story: at the NYC meetup last week, the room filled with loud boos whenever the Blackberry Storm was mentioned. (Listen for yourselves here
.) Personalize that experience for your best frenemy by inking them up -- bonus points if you tell them you're shelling out for an iPhone and pull a switcheroo.
~$501 (includes free Storm) - Buy from Mystic Impressions Tattoo Studio
: "4 years in business with 0% infections reported!"
- MP3? MP4? Screw that -- drag your giftee kicking and screaming into the future with the MP7 phone. They'll be far more understanding about the need for open formats in no time.
$599 - Do you really care enough to track one down?
Palm Treo 800w
- Palm's on the verge of unleashing an entirely new OS and line of handsets
at CES this year -- so why not shackle your "friend" down with a two-year contract on some chubby last-gen hardware?
$250 with contract, endless monthly payments - Buy from Palm
- Boss always yapping about how he'd get an iPhone if only it had a QWERTY keyboard? Shut him up forever with this abomination -- if you can actually manage to find one.
Epson Hello Kitty laptop
- This underpowered $1,533 machine with a one-hour battery life would be a terrible present even if it didn't have some of the worst Hello Kitty art we've ever seen stuck to the lid, but you know what? It's got some of the worst Hello Kitty art we've ever seen stuck to the lid.
$1,533 - Shop for Hello Kitty laptop
Honda Walking Assist Device with Bodyweight Support System
- Yes, there are many people out there who'd be absolutely thrilled to receive Honda's latest walking aid out of love -- but pretty much everyone else will just look like a giant fatass who needs a robo-wedgie to help them walk.
- Let's be honest -- if you hate someone enough to buy them a wacky $2m art house with an undulating floor and off-kilter windows designed to keep occupants "on guard" at all times to "maintain equilibrium," you probably need to spend the money on a vacation.