iTunes 5, I am Jack's dull surprise

Allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment. Or as I like to call it, the  John C. Dvorak Punditry Game. I won't just be discussing iTunes 5, but all the musical announcements rolled out from Apple today.

First of all, I think there's no way you're going to have another revolution on your hands as you did when the first iPod was announced. Video iPod? No, by the time that rolls around the PSP/Xbox/Dingus synergy will be there. Don't get me wrong, a video iPod will be cool and maybe sell well, but the revolution will not be televised.

Instead of revolution we got a minor evolution. It's a shame Apple portrayed this as the second coming of Woz. Personally, I'm a little nonplussed. So the mini is gone. As some of you have pointed out, we now get a full 2 GB less storage for the same money. A color screen? It's smaller? I believe Adam Sandler said it best when he said, "whoopadeedoo!" It would appear Apple is sacrificing choice for simplicity. That's their way of course, but must we all be a party to it? I'm not saying they should go the route of Creative and come out with a dozen dinky players (none of which are worth the time to reason with)... But variety is the spice of life, you know?

I put the nano to the litmus test— my wife. She's a fan of Apple, but not obsessed (like me). She's wary of technology. She only learns a new feature or trick when she needs it. She's what we call your slightly-above-average computer user. OK, maybe a little more than slightly. Either way, she's no gadget freak, especially at the prices iPods go for. Her response, "is that it?" "But you can put pictures of the kids on there! Your calendars will be in color, and your address book in your purse, all in one teensy little package." She wasn't impressed. No nano for her, she'll keep trucking with her pink mini, thanks.

On to the new content for the iTunes Music Store. Since when did Madonna (once a pioneer in music, sort of) "waking up" to the digital revolution make news? Get with it grandma, and while you're in England, tell the remaining Beatles to get on the trolley at the station as well. Harry Potter in audiobook format? Thanks goodness! Since we've all read them already... Gotta do something while Rowling digs her way out of that last book... C'Mon guys, give me a break. Two million songs is cool, but I still can't get either Breakin' soundtrack. I want my Electric Boogaloo!

The new iTunes... When does a pre-existing feature become a new bullet point? Only in Steve's world. Search? You mean the Search Bar is now a new feature? Man, I feel so stupid using the old search tool. How, exactly, is this better? And yes, I see the little buttons like in Finder windows, I'm just saying it's not a quantum leap. Quite frankly I don't see all that much streamlining. The volume control isn't squirreled away under the playback controls. A little more info in the info window. It's not that fugly brushed metal. The Outlook sync is nice, if you're a Windows user (I know, this is important). I also like the folders. What, that took 5 versions to sort out? I guess fine-tuning the randomness is cool, but people have been hacking on that for a while, and I'd still like to see some control within the iPod itself. What I'd like to see are some bug fixes. At work we have the ports used by iTunes all blocked. If I accidentally click on the Store, Podcasts, or Radio I pretty much have to force quit. It's also fun trying to remove duplicates and discovering you actually deleted the only copy. How about fixing those?

I'm not exactly stoked about the fact that you have to restart your machine to install it either. And did anyone enjoy the little iPod ad during install? Classy.

The one ray of light from today was the iTunes phone. What was that called? Oh yeah, the ROKR. Sounds like a Vulcan ska band. Anyway, at $249 with a 2-year contract from Cingular I don't know if it'll be flying off the shelves, but I've been wrong before. Still, anyone lusting for iPod action and renewing their contract will probably give this a look. That's if they understand how easy iTunes/iPods are to use. My big question is whether the ROKR will suffer from some UI issues people have with Motorola phones in general. I like my V60, but some folks hate Moto... Go figure.

At the end of the day I still want a nano, only because I have yet to experience the color screen of joy. Maybe I'll wait until they get Linux working on it... I'd love to have a ROKR, but Cingular, well, don't get me started on Cingular. The sad fact is I'll probably wind up with a Hogwarts-branded iPod full of Vulcan ska then end up losing it in a terrible Quidditch bet. That's the way things go around here.