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The Maven

Ryan Block
October 31, 2006
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Last year Ross Rubin, author of Engadget column Switched On, submitted the now mythical epic Halloween poem, The Maven. So ingrained is it in our minds and so much has it become lore here at Engadget HQ, we're running it again this Halloween. Now, leave the store.

Once upon a midnight madness sale I sauntered, steeped in sadness,
Through the shiny piles and aisles composing my computer store.
Suddenly there came a rapping. "Skeet skeet skeet." Had I been napping?
Energy, it had been sapping from my soul for weeks or more.
Yea, those loathsome customers had chilled my being for weeks or more.
Back-to-school had drained my core.

Soon the winds would bring the winter - time to sell each mouse, each printer.
"Profit!" said I, "Thing of evil? Nah," applying Avacor.
For while came the rare exception, money flowed from deep deception.
Ignorance would find reception warm throughout each corridor.
From these fools I'd find the dollars flow down every corridor.
Idiots I did adore.

There I saw him, by the mobos, dressing like those unkempt hobos -
Greasy hair atop the fat and pimples that adorned each pore.
Mannerisms quite absurd, he stood there mumbling, looking nerdy,
Yet I could not find the word he brought to mind inside the store.
In that squalid rust of malice did he slither through the store,
Saying naught and nothing more.

Fate approached him as a customer who seemed at once to trust him.
"Are these cameras any good? I've never shopped for one before."
Glasses thick, stubble unshaven, spewing trivia like Cliff Clavin,
On he went, this crazy maven bragging of his Slashdot score.
"If you read my blog, you'd know my postings rate above a four.
'Funny' and 'Insightful' are the words you'd see with five or four."
After which she fled the store.

Then a man who lacked acumen caused his targeting to zoom in.
"Windows spyware drives me nuts. Removing it is such a chore.
"This Mac mini sure looks swell so buying it would end my hell, no?"
"Apple's switching to Intel so I would wait a year or more
"And you'll want new software too if you don't wait a year or more."
Quoth the maven, "Leave the store."

Continue reading The Maven




































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