Welcome to Saturn Six Insider n00bs!

WoW Insider Staff
W. Staff|04.02.10

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WoW Insider Staff
April 2nd, 2010
Welcome to Saturn Six Insider n00bs!

WoW is sooooo last weak! Blizzard's next gen MMOOOOOMFG is the next big thing and we at Saturn Six Insider are bringing you the latest, leetest and neatest news on this mind blowing game!

Breaking news out of BLIZZARD today: A new MMO is on the way from the Blizzboys and it is TOTALLY SWEET. Saturn Six Insider just got confirmation from multiple independent Tweets, uh, sources about this sweet new game called SATURN SIX. Forget that ancient garbage where you ride into battle on your "pony" with a "sword" (lol, lame). Blizz's phne NEW first-person MMO breaks new ground, totally setting the standard for the virgin "futuristic steampunk" genre!

You heard me right, boys and robogirls: EFFIN SWEET SPACESHIPS. Lasers and nukes. PEW PEW!

We don't know all the details, but here's what we've gathered from our intergalactic data miners on planet Rilon 4.

Humans now live on Titan, the sixth moon of Saturn. Everything is peaceful and the game is played through diplomacy, hugs, rainbows and... LOL JUST KIDDING you blow shit up in a spectacular, son! It's like civil war EVERYWHERE and everyone has guns. Space guns. Sweet.

The game sounds like Caprica meets Max Headroom meets Star Trek meets Wolfenstein 3D meets Full Metal Alchemist with a little dash of Innerspace thrown in for good measure. PvP on an intergalactic level! BOOM (NUCLEAR) HEADSHOT.

Rampant speculation with flimsy backing
We don't know an awful lot about the game yet but we can only speculate that there will be a CARD GAME AND A MINIATURES GAME to go with it. I called Gamestop a bunch of times to ask them about the card game to give you guys the inside scoop but ASSistant manager "Greg T. S." says I'm not allowed to call anymore. I'll check back in when his shift is over to get the latest. CAN YOU SAY PREORDER, be-yotches?!?!
Faction fanboism
The BlizzBlizz has one upped itself YET AGAIN -- instead of only two lame factions to play like in some "other" past-its-prime MMORPGs, you get to play as one of three AWESOME factions. Will the factions have guns? Robots? Sexy computerized girl voices? Mmmmmmmmmm YOU KNOW THEY WILL!

Graphics are going to be CPU-melting SWEET. Three-dimensional models of everything and the female toons look HOT AS HELL when you unequip their starting gear. The Blizzinators went OVERBOARD on this one you guys -- I've never SEEN splines be so reticulated before. I swear you can see nipples if you look really really really really close. But only on chicks. And some dudes that look like rejects from Muscle March.

Agent? Citizen? n00b-nation?
You have no chance to survive, make your time, but take your time to answer this question lol: Will you be Agent or Citizen?! Those are two of the sweet new sub-factions. Agents are like sick MATRIX-MEETS-SHADOWPRIEST characters with sun glasses even indoors because they're too cool not to wear them. Citizens are maybe the "good guys." Everyone at Blizzyland is gonna play as Agents and I'm gonna be Agent too. Watch out CITIZEN SCUM! Hope you all splatter up good lol!

They want to rule Saturn Six? Not on my watch! BOOM!

The Future of Saturn Six, baby!
Also I bet Felicia Day does the voice acting. And then makes a video about it. And then pretends it's not really about this game. Then shoots to superstardom among the nerd set. Man, I hope she get's on HOUSE again....

Oh and PS Blizz: Will there be a Saturn Seven?! Uh... YES PLEASE!
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