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Drama Mamas: Crushed by a crush
Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.
Do you play WoW with someone you secretly have a crush on? How is that working out for you? This week's letter writer is worried, and Lisa and I disagree as to what to do about it.
Hello Drama Mamas,
I am a very happy WoW player, enjoying every aspect of the game and always being able to find something funny and rewarding to do - I have done Arena, Raiding, leveling and also achievement hunting with the same level on enjoyment - I truly love this game and what it has to offer me. Despite enjoying end game content I am not the player that like the environment of a progressing raid guild or a pvp Guild that runs RBGs or other high-ranked PvP action; I am one of those players that is able to play regularly with a casual approach. This is the first step that made me join a "Casual/Social" Guild about one year ago; there, I found a lot of players with my same interests and since then I had even more fun playing this game.
In the past (few) months, though, something has started to give me a difficult time while playing: my feelings for one of the Guild members are deeper than a simple friendship - I have a crush on that player, as you could say. The other player is not aware of this, of course, as I am really unsure about what to do: saying such thing could ruin a year long friendship and maybe cause some harsh times in Guild.
The miles that separate the two of us make very hard to think of the thing as something that could have a future: my mind tells me that the most logical solution is to "get over it", but my heart is different and every time I find myself playing with this player I can't help but feel totally happy and good; after I stop playing , though, a wave of bad feelings gets on me because I know that what I feel can be very dangerous for my future , both from a social and gaming point of view.
My question for Drama Mamas is: can a player find a way to play and enjoy the game while having a crush on a fellow player, without revealing the fact?
Thank You for your time!
Drama Mama Robin: In order to make my reply clearer, I'm going to name your crush Andy, since the genders are not explicit here.
I am curious as to why telling Andy that you have a crush on him or her would cause so much strife. Is Andy already in a relationship? Are you both the same gender, but not the same sexual persuasion? Is there some other reason that privately telling Andy of your crush would be near world-ending?
Assuming there is such a barrier to expressing your feelings (you should if there isn't), I think you can have a crush and be silent about it. It happens all the time, and not just in romantic comedies. There are two things you need to do: be a good friend and stop beating yourself up.
The latter is extremely important. Telling yourself how miserable you're going to be in the future doesn't help you in the now. Enjoy the good feelings and deal with the bad if and when they happen.
Strong friendships are wonderful things and should be nurtured and cherished. If you think you have that with Andy aside from your crush, don't give up on it. Your feelings will hopefully subside into something bittersweet but manageable, and Andy will appreciate the fun you two continue to have together.
While you're being a good friend to Andy, be a good friend to yourself too. Don't make WoW your only social outlet. Make sure to spend time with other friends and/or in other social groups. Do the things you enjoy outside of the game -- even if you are by yourself. This is good advice in any situation, by the way. Being good to yourself makes you happier and makes you more fun to be around.
TL;DR: Dwelling on being or not being with Andy = bad. Being happy in or out of the game = good.
Drama Mama Lisa: The very fact that you're writing this letter tells me that you know that revealing and indulging this crush would not be a good thing. Whatever your reason is, I encourage you to listen to the inner voice that's urging you not to make waves.
Left to their own devices, crushes quickly inflate to what feels like tragic, unrequited, hopeless romance. The universality of this agony has carried Adele to the top of the charts. That's just the way this whole attraction thing works -- and if there's a reason you don't want your situation to go this way, you have to do something to stop it rather than becoming a not-so-innocent bystander in your own life.
This is where Robin's advice and mine part ways. Don't be a "good friend" to your crush; get the heck out of there. Don't give the bad scene you see on the horizon time to boil up into a massive storm. No more grouping. No more whispers. Keep everything in guild chat, and don't engage in direct conversation even there. There's no reason to make a big, neon-lights deal out of this. You can reply to direct comments and hold up your end of a group conversation that includes your crush. But you need to carry on your gaming without your crush.
In fact, carrying on with something else in your life right now would be a good thing. Take a break. I know, I know, who wants to take a break from WoW right as the expansion hits? But since you're in a casual guild, there might not be a compelling reason you have to keep pace with the rest of the guild. If that's the case, let everyone know you'd prefer to tackle the new content once the opening week crowds have swarmed through. Then get out of here for a couple of weeks. Get a breath of fresh air, some new perspective, all that jazz. Then when you log back in, interact with your crush using your new rules of the road, without buddying up in snug little groups and one-on-ones.
If there's something else behind your reluctance to pursue your crush -- you're just shy, or you're afraid of rejection -- that's another matter altogether and something you should tackle head-on. But if that little discipline priest on your shoulder whispering in your ear keeps throwing up Power Word: Shield and telling you to get out of the fire, maybe it's time to hustle.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.
