Listen here now: Happy weird holidays
People dread the holiday season for different reasons: Black Friday lines at shopping malls, long hours of airline travel, inevitable drama with family, an excess of freezing temperatures and snow. Personally, the thing that vexes me more than all the rest is holiday music, which I loathe with a particular fervor (save for Carol of the Bells, because that is one bad-ass tune).
So, this chapter of "Listen here now" is curated by Spinning Platters Managing Editor, Dakin Hardwick, who has been to more concerts, shows, and festivals than all of you. Combined. In addition to reviewing albums, Spinning Platters also reviews live shows, movies, and interviews noteworthy folks such as Henry Selick (the director of Nightmare Before Christmas). Take it away, Dakin:
"I spent about 12 years working in retail which, of course, is a great way to learn to hate Christmas. I'm not anti-Jesus (in fact the story of a Middle Eastern guy teaching the world to love and help each other is pretty great in my book), but I believe that Jesus hates Christmas music at least as much as I do. So, well, let's stop ruining this dude's birthday and dig up some of the more interesting tunes to celebrate his birth."
Here are, in no particular order, Dakin's all-time favorite weird, wild and completely bizarre holiday tracks for your listening pleasure. If you would like to listen to the Spotify playlist, click here.
1. "White Christmas" Korla Pandit
What you are listening to probably just sounds like another shamltzy lounge Christmas rendition of a holiday standard. However, Korla Pandit is a fascinating figure. He was a black man who disguised himself as an Indian man in the early 50's because, well, people were nicer to Indians than to blacks at that time. He even practiced Sikhism, which made the existence of a Christmas record almost a giveaway. Except for the fact that releasing a Christmas album makes a lot of financial sense (To wit: The best-selling Christmas record of all time is from Kenny G, a practicing Jew.)
2. "Santafly" Martin Mull featuring the Sondra Baskin Glee Club
Martin Mull has done some great tongue-in-cheek holiday music. Sadly, his tour de force, Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope isn't on Spotify, but this excellent holiday funk jam-out on a Curtis Mayfield riff does the trick nicely.
3. "Jingle Bells" Bela Fleck and the Flecktones
My absolute favorite holiday album is "Jingle All The Way" by Bela Fleck & The Flecktones. Why? Because it's just about the weirdest sonic experiment that you'll ever hear: A banjo virtuoso, one of the greatest rhythm sections in Jazz and a quartet of Tuvan throat singers doing Christmas standards. This is the best Christmas record ever.
4. "Twas The Night Before Christmas" David Hasselhoff
The greatest actor ever doing a classic poem? Sold. This is almost as good as Henry Rollins' version.
5. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Barenaked Ladies
Barenakes Ladies did something spectacular roughly 20 years ago — they created a Christmas record that is just tongue-in-cheek enough for the cynics to listen to, but sincere enough to Christmas fans to enjoy. This particular track is a cover of the 80's classic "Do They Know It's Christmas?" ...only with the four vocalists in Barenaked Ladies doing impersonations of Phil Collins, Bono, Simon LeBon and the other 20-odd singers on the original track.
6. "Blue Christmas" Low
Christmas can be depressing and stressful. This Low record, Christmastime, perfectly expresses the darkness of the holiday — and this cover of "Blue Christmas" is the happiest track on the record.
7. "Christmas Rappin' " Kurtis Blow
Run DMC lay claim to the best-known hip-hop Christmas song; however, Kurtis Blow's "Christmas Rappin'" is such a good track that it's not at all embarrassing to listen to it even in the summer.
8. "Christmas Is Going To The Dogs" Eels
Mark Oliver Everett is a terribly underrated songwriter. This song is a warm and fuzzy look at Christmas from the perspective of the family dog who, really, is the only member of the family actually enjoying Christmas.
9. "The Little Drum Machine Boy" Aqua Teen Hunger Force
This is, quite simply, one of the most annoying records ever. ENJOY!
10. "Christmas Song" The Aislers Set
I'm not sure what makes this a Christmas song, other than the jingle bells, but this surfy instrumental will break up the monotony of any holiday party.
11. "We Three Kings" Patti Smith
Absolutely chilling.
Christmas would be so much better if it was just about doin' it. Ginuwine gets it. Ginuwine gets everything.
14. "Father Christmas" The Kinks
Aside from The Beatles, The Sonics and The Kinks were the two most influential bands of the 60's. The Sonics, from Spokane, Washington, were almost definitely the first punk band while The Kinks single-handedly created guitar fuzz. The both put out wonderfully angsty Christmas songs in their heyday.
15. "Santa Claus And His Old Lady" Cheech & Chong
This isn't a song, but it gets played on the radio like a Christmas song. It is, however, one funny piece of work that holds up over time.
Bonus Track: X12 Days of XXXMASX/ From First to Last
Sadly, this lovely piece of screamo goodness from Skrillex's old band is missing from Spotify, but enjoy the video instead!