A hypocrite's guide to smartphone etiquette

Someone, somewhere, is annoying you with their smartphone habits. Maybe it's your coworker who can't look up from their device long enough to finish a sentence (let alone an entire conversation). Maybe it's the guy seated in front of you at the movies who is texting. Or the folks who feel a memorial site is the appropriate place to use selfie sticks. Or whomever is in the next stall over carrying on a phone conversation in. The. Bathroom.
We all have our opinions on what is and is not acceptable behavior when it comes to smartphones — and yet, despite our expectations about other's behaviors we are often happy to be hypocrites when it comes to our own.

In this, I am no different — I find myself thinking that everyone would do well to simply follow my exceptional example of how to behave in public while using a smartphone... despite the (unavoidable) fact that I myself am not always on my best behavior either. Hypocrisy, thy name is me. And while I may be a bit hypocritical, I am not without a sense of humor about it. So, in no particular order, here are my own personal rules for smartphone etiquette — and the percentage of the time that I actually adhere to them.

1. (Hands) Free-as-a-Bird
I see many people walking the streets of San Francisco with their smartphones in their hands. And I get that — sometimes you need to check directions on a map or you're trying to find your Uber. However, if I don't need something immediately from my phone, it is tucked away into a (preferably zippered) pocket.

This is for two reasons. One: I am clumsy as hell and don't like having my hands occupied. And Two: I don't like getting robbed. When I see a woman walking by me on the street with her purse hung on the crook of her arm and her smartphone in her outstretched hand, all I see is a sign to thieves that says "Please steal from me because I have made myself an easy mark." Likewise, I don't slip my phone into my back pocket where it can be easy grabbed (Or sat upon. Again, I am so, so very clumsy).

Percent of the time that I actually practice this: 95%
Nearly all the time, unless I need to look at directions. And every so often I will tuck my phone into my back pocket if I'm just running out to the corner store because ladies pants have stupidly small front pockets.

2. Single-Sense Submersion
Although I am (sadly) never going to be mistaken for a ninja or Sarah Connor, I have read some interesting bits about the Grey Man Philosophy. One of the tenet's of which involves maintaining situational awareness, and for me, that means if I am using headphones, I am not also staring at my smartphone's screen. Likewise, if I'm reading, I don't have headphones in. It's eyes, or ears, but never both.

Again, this is for multiple reasons — one, it keeps me from feeling like a smartphone zombie. And two, I ride public transportation in San Francisco where things like this and this happen. I have personally witnessed multiple robberies on the bus during daylight hours, as well as several fights, and I'm well aware that not everyone who rides the bus with me is mentally stable. So, as a personal safety rule I don't occupy more than one sense at a time.

Percent of the time that I actually practice this: 85%
In all honesty, I have noticed that I don't seem to be as strict about this rule when my reading material is on paper instead of digital. And hey — Sometimes a girl just really needs to listen to the National while reading articles on Pocket to make a commute go by faster.

3. Sidewalk Step-Aside
If I'm walking somewhere and find myself needing to quickly glance at my phone to say, skip a song in a playlist, text "Ok" in reply to someone, or dismiss a notification, then you know what? I go for it. However, if I find myself walking and I suddenly need to reply to an email, fuss with an app, or watch a video, you know what I do? I step out of the damn way of the rest of the people on the sidewalk.

Because the honest truth is, if you are older than ten years old then you should know well enough to watch where you're walking. If you are attempting to navigate a crowded sidewalk while watching Netflix, typing up a lengthy email or playing an epic game of Crossy Road then you are making it everyone else's responsibility to stay out of your path. Which is rude. And may cause you to get "accidentally" shoulder checked by those of us who are paying better attention.

Percentage of time I actually practice this: 99%
I'm not perfect and I'm sure there are times when I push my luck here. However, I once fractured an ankle because I was staring at my phone instead of where I was walking, so believe me, I've learned this lesson the hard way once already.

4. It Can Wait
I will not text and drive. Ever. Never, ever, ever. Unless my phone is powering the music, or I'm using turn-by-turn directions, I just keep that ish in my purse or pocket. You know why? Because I'm bloody DRIVING. And that requires me to pay attention to the Uber that just cut me off, and the dude in the bicycle lane who swerved out of his way, and the crackhead who just decided to stumble into the street in front of me.

Regardless of what I say here, y'all are going to decide how to navigate your days on your own. But as someone who has already been involved in more auto accidents than I care to admit, and as someone who also rides a motorcycle and understands just how important it is to pay attention, I won't do this. I. Will. Not. Because I very seriously would not be able to forgive myself if I ever hurt someone while driving because I was doing something as insignificant as tapping on a device.

Percentage of time I actually practice this: 100%
As a motorcycle and a bicycle rider, I understand what it's like to have close calls with folks who are not paying attention (smartphone or no smartphone). As an auto driver, I will never, ever do anything to put other people into harm.

5. The Ron Swanson Rule of Conversation
Ron Swanson and I agree on many things: Handshakes should be firm, dry, solid, and three seconds long; liars and skim milk are both worthy of hatred; and you should look a man in the eye when speaking to him.

Therefore, if we are having a conversation, I will not be staring at my phone while vaguely murmuring "Huh? Okay...." I will pay attention to the conversation we are having. If I find myself needing to do more than glance at a notification, I will then do you the courtesy of saying "Excuse me a moment while I respond to my mom's 14th email on how she can't get Google Maps to work." Seriously. It's not that hard. (Courtesy. Not trying to teach my mom to use Google Maps.)

Percentage of time I actually practice this: 90%
I am more lax about this around those closest to me, who I know will take no offense, or when I'm lounging on my couch because that's my time to chill. Also, if you've already whipped out yours, don't be surprised when I start staring at mine too. (Still talking about phones here, you dirty birds).

6. Taking calls like a pro
Although I do have the most awesome ringtone on my smartphone, I normally keep it off during the day by default. Vibrate mode is usually enough to alert me to a call, and I don't care to disturb my coworkers or the people around me.

I also try to not take a call unless I have a more private place to go to talk — which means I don't take calls in public restrooms, or in a library, or if I'm at the head of a line and a cashier is trying to ring me up because that is not cool.

Percentage of time I actually practice this: 95%
It's not too hard to adhere to this, because so many people are more or less text-exclusive now. However, some of my closest family and friends live in different time zones so I will occasionally break this rule by taking a call on the bus because I know there isn't a better time to talk to these far-away folks. I know, I'm the worst.

All right, one last tip and then I'm out: Don't blare music out of your crappy phone speakers for the whole bus to hear — I don't care how sick these beats are! Seriously, no one who is going to offer you a record deal is riding the bus and your flow sounds really, really weird over what I'm listening to.

Got more etiquette tips I should mostly follow, want to share your own, or throw some shade? You can sign up to become a Public Access member and write your own post here.