Pentagon to shoot down renegade spy satellite

Good news, everyone! Remember that Alien-infested, out of control satellite we told you about a few weeks ago? Well, the US government has finally put together a plan to avoid the civilization-decimating disaster that would have resulted from its impact with Earth: they're gonna blow it up. That's right -- US officials have confirmed that they're going to use modified SM-3 missiles fired from a cruiser and destroyer off the Northwest coast of Hawaii to take the thing out. The weapons have additional fuel and new software which will allow them to reach the object in orbit, thus blasting it to smithereens. The resulting impact will leave nothing but "space junk," which will endlessly pollute the galaxy until we're wiped out by a reverse "Big Bang" or doomsday device. You may now return to your overpriced latté.