The Digital Continuum: My only problem with Free Realms

I love Free Realms, so don't get me wrong when I say I've finally found a problem with it. What's that problem, you (hypothetically) ask? It's full of regular people and faeries, and what manly guy wants that?

No, sir, not me. There's certainly nothing wrong with a man who prefers to flutter about on dainty wings, or a man who just wants to be a 'Regular Joe' -- but what of the rest who just want to express their inner macho man? I think we need some representation!

That's why I've done all the creative footwork for Sony Online Entertainment and thought up a bunch of great concepts for manly races to add into Free Realms. That way, when hairy manly men log into the game after a hard day of sweating and lifting heavy things, they'll feel right at home.

Dwarven Luchadors? Increíble!

Every burly fellow knows the magnificent manliness of a luchador. But a staunch Dwarven luchador? That's not only nearly three times the man-tude, but it's nearly three times the hair!

Just imagine it: flying through the hair like a wondrous blazing phoenix, the Dwarven luchador glare at his target with steely eyes. Then, with a earth-rumbling boom, his head connects with the soccer ball and sends it rocketing past the nansy-pansy faerie goalie's hands and into the net. The announce cries out, "GOAL!" and the crowd (in this case us, and our dog Savage) goes wild as the game ends in victory.

It would be glorious.

This is the race to play if you love beards, fancy masks and dropping a 'foo' like nobody's business. They roll across the land in big colorful low-riders, and all of their character customization options would come with tights available -- capes optional.

Monster trucks, that are also robots

Macho men love monster trucks, and robots are a close second when it comes to adoration. This was scientifically proven by the box office results for the 2007 summer blockbuster Transformers, or at least that's what I was told by my friend's pet parrot, Chuck.

So why not combine the two into something forged from deep within the fires of Mount Virile itself?

Towering above all others in gleaming metallic glory, a monster truck -- that simultaneously happens to also be a robot -- knows no organic equal. Fueled on a mixture of octane and energy drinks with 'Xs' scrawled across their cans, these creatures are a brutal force to be reckoned with, especially if you're a neatly placed line of derelict vehicles.

A static enemy poses no real threat beyond that of mistake on the driver's part, but a monster truck that's also a robot is something to be feared. Robot monster trucks make no mistakes. The mere roar of their quadruple engine blocks cause friendly critters of the forest to evacuate their bowels in under a second flat. Plus, they can equip bull horns on their head for extra damage in combat! What's not to love?

Jurassic Park, eat your heart out

There's very little doubt that dinosaurs are both exponentially cool and incredibly manly in the eyes of males both young and old. As an added bonus, when a dinosaur wears a classy top hat and monocle on his person, a portal to the mythical place known as man-nirvana opens, allowing access to the vast wonderland that exists within the sweaty brow of Zeus himself.

While triceratops people are a start -- because they've got three horns which everyone knows are better than one or two -- Tyrannosaurus Rex is the obvious choice. And if SOE was to pick only one dinosaur than this would have to be it. Besides, the T-Rex obviously looks best in that hat and monocle. I'd personally add a smoking jacket to really make the whole masculine motif come together.