Bill Gates getting knighted
By Peter Rojas 
posted Mar 2nd 2005 12:03PM
posted Mar 2nd 2005 12:03PM
We were sorta hoping he'd show up for the ceremony wearing a suit of armor made out of discarded Windows ME CD-ROMs,
but Bill Gates was officially knighted by Queen Elizabeth
earlier today.
P.S. - It's officially time for another caption contest. The winner will be made a Knight Commander of the Most
Excellent Order of the Engadget Empire.
"Is it an iShuffle.. is it.. is it ???"
"What the hell did you two order? What, do you think I'm freaking made of money?"
"Your Highness, I believe you'll find this to be a most generous offer for this island of yours."
"Abort, Retry, Fail?"
Now do the monkey-boy dance!!
"I didn't have time to finish typing it before you got here. Word kept crashing!"
"Mr. Gates, this is a just a piece of paper. In order to make your Knighthood official we will require you to purchase a Certificate of Authenticity for $3 Million USD."
"Hehehe, well, yes it is a very large sum of money, but unless you can get my soul back from Satan, I'm afraid I can't sell you Microsoft."
"oh, the keys to your 'quaint' empire. *coughmine'sbiggerthanyourscough*"
"Now for the powerpoint show..."
Hmmm... Everything on the menu looks so good! I think I'll have Wales with a cup of British Breakfast. Will you take a traveller's check?
"So these were the Brit's plans for taking over the world... hmmm. Thanks!"
"No... umm... no, its nice! really... I don't have one of these Queeny... yeah... I mean... I'm sure it was hard for you... "What DO you get the richest guy in the world...?" Hahaha, I get that all the time... yeah... umm...
...do you still have the receipt perhaps?"
"By accepting this knighthood you hearby agree to the following terms and conditions"
Queen Elizabeth: "Cake or Death!"
Bill: "uhhh..I'll take the cake, please."
Bill: "I'm sorry your royal highness but this looks like a hardware problem. You'll have to call product support just like everyone else"
No Your Majesty, this is not the valid Key we're asking you for demonstrating you're a legal Windows user.
YOUR SOULS ARE MINE! MUHAHAHA!
"Now, if you want to continue to be a Knight after your 30 day trial, you'll have to call and activate your knighthood. Sorry bub, can't do it online anymore."
Bill: 'You spelt 'night' wrong, but spell-checker wouldn't pick up on that, so I'll let you off...... Opps, my bad! All is 'tickety-boo' as you would say'
Queen: 'One cannot resist free OS upgrade!'
Queen : "We had to print this from a Linux PC because the Windows PC kept crashing."
I'd like to buy england, I think this will about cover it
I am sorry your Royal Highness, but I am not able to fix your Apple.
"Oh man! Knights have +5 against normals and +3 against Steve Jobs with special 'iPod resist'! So where's my buckler and broadsword?"
"... and with this check Bill Gates officially buys the UK and in turn fulfills his dream to turn the UK into a giant prison where he will send those who fail to run windows..."
This isn't a light saber! I'm supposed to get a light saber!
(I vote for entry #11)
Thank you, Your Majesty, for this lovely leather-bound datebook. Have you ever heard of PocjetPC?
Thank you, Your Majesty, for this lovely leather-bound datebook. Have you ever heard of PocketPC?
"Yes Queen, it's the new Tablet PC, from Micro......oh wait it Crashed" *Snort Snort"
"Mr. Gates, I just want to congratualte you on your excellent iPod! What? Steve Jobs! Oh I'm terribly sorry."
Bill: "I'm sorry your royal highness but this looks like a hardware problem. You'll have to call product support just like everyone else"
Bill: "I'm sorry your royal highness but this looks like a hardware problem. You'll have to call product support just like everyone else"
Bill: ...and in exchange for this gratious gift of knighthood, I present you with five units of MSFT stock.
"It looks like you're trying to become a Knight. Would you like help with the pompous ceremony?"
"I am the Knight that says Ni."
So what does a small place turned World Power go for these days? Would 512k be enough?
"The half-assed smile from Mr. Gates as he realizes there's no stack of money inside."
or
"'A Knight!', says Melinda (right) as she thinks to herself. 'I wonder if this will help us in the bedroom?'"
or
"Is there something amiss, Mr. Gates? I used Star Office 7 on our Linux system to create that certificate. I can get you a copy if you'd like."
"Cool! An iPod with my name engraved on the back!"
Maybe a little long for a caption, but it's mostly fine print:
0. This License applies to any knighthood or other work which contains a notice placed by the copyright holder saying it may be distributed under the terms of this General Public License. The "Knighthood", below, refers to any such knighthood or work, and a "work based on the Knighthood" means either the Knighthood or any derivative work under copyright law: that is to say, a work containing the Knighthood or a portion of it, either verbatim or with modifications and/or translated into another language. (Hereinafter, translation is included without limitation in the term "modification".) Each licensee is addressed as "you".
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7. If, as a consequence of a court judgment or allegation of patent infringement or for any other reason (not limited to patent issues), conditions are imposed on you (whether by court order, agreement or otherwise) that contradict the conditions of this License, they do not excuse you from the conditions of this License. If you cannot distribute so as to satisfy simultaneously your obligations under this License and any
So, where's my complimentary "I've been knighted and all I got was this lousy chainmail shirt..." shirt?
"Oh, I get it. It's a framed copy of the Blue Screen of Death. Neat-o cool."
I believe it's pronounced "menage-a-trois"
I didn't know PowerPoint *had* a kinghthood certificate template.
Mr Gates, I'm returning these MS Licensing disks.
"I have read your application to be a beta tester for Longhorn, looks like you are a perfect cadnidate to be the "master beta tester"
Look, I was gonna post one that was pretty good, but #32 there with the terms and all really deserves it so I won't even bother.
"Your Magesty, is this a list of all the bugs you found in Windows XP?"
"Oh no, dear, that's just the index. The full list is several truckloads."
Hmm your still running Windows 3.1 over here. I think we can pencil you in for March 30 for the Windows ME upgrade. That is a state of the art operating system you'll just love it. Trust me.
"I had the steamed veggie plate, and Melinda had the same... SOOOO that would be...let's see.....6.99 for us, and Cornish Hen with herb potatos, 4 glasses of wine, a side of kidney pie and whatever that grey/brown thing was...I'm guessing that's you Lizzy @ 59.00. SO how do you want to do this? I don't think an even split will really work, obviously someone was ordering with their eyes and not their tummy, weren't they? huh?
"Wow, I had no idea that a knighthood came with a complimentary slavegirl."
The prize medallion for knighthood is an IPod?
The Royal Family decided they should give something back to Mr. Gates for using pirated copies of Windows for the last several years.
"One's returning one's copy of XP. Neither oneself or one's husband can get the f*#king thing to work! Now where's one's refund, Four Eyes!"
"One's returning one's copy of XP. Neither oneself or one's husband can get the f*#king thing to work! Now where's one's refund, Four Eyes!"
Queen: it's called a Prince Albert. You may need to see a tattoist.
"One's returning one's copy of XP. Neither oneself or one's husband can get the f*#king thing to work! Now where's one's refund, Four Eyes!"
0WN3D! QU33N RU135 PR0P5 70 7H3 KN!9H7 (R3W LOL INTERNET!!!1!!!!11!!!1ONE!!!!!ONEONE!!!!!
Windows XP: 200 dollars. Flight to England on your private Jet: $10 million dollars. One royal ass-kissing form Her Highness: Priceless.
Ohhh... You said a Knighthood...
"Hehehe, well, yes it is a very large sum of money, but unless you can get my soul back from Satan, I'm afraid I can't sell you Microsoft."
Hey, it printed! Do you guys use Windows?
"Oh my god, another SPOT watch to get in touch with her majesty's secret services"
"So this is your 'net worth' your majesty? That's what I make on one quarterly dividend check for my Microsoft stock."
---------------------------------------------------
"Here's a downpayment on the castle. I expect you'll stay on to clean the place?"
---------------------------------------------------
"Thank you for putting my face on the 10 quid note Your Highness."
Queen to bill.
"Press any button to continue."
Bill thinks to self "I am worth nearly 60 billion and all I get is a shitty piece of paper from some old hag"
1) Where is the User Manual for this. WTF?!? I have to print that on my own?
or
2) I'll gladly take this off your hands. Do you think you could do me a favor and help me get a free Mac Mini? I only need one more person to sign up...
Hmmm...Is this paper all I get? Don't you have anything better? Don't I get a kick arse sword or something? Where are the crowds and and the cerimony. This itinerary says nothing about an after party.
"The Queen of England pensively waits to see if Bill will sign her autograph book."
Sorry you've got to write your contact information into my datebook, but my Sidekick got hacked.
And here is the bill for $4.9 billion to cover all the non-Genuine Licenses that exist in Britain.
I agree that Charles and Camilla are not worthy successors but Melissa and I won't sign the adoption papers unless you issue a royal decree forbidding your subjects from using iPods, Linux, and Google.
Thanks
..and heres the signed decree for the beheading of linus torvil.
"Yes, the resemblance is there, but I'm nothing like Charles was at my age."
Bill: Whats up, Liz? Hows it going? Uh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didnt put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
Queen Liz: Oh, yeah. Im sorry for that. I, I forgot.
Bill: Yeah. You see, were putting the coversheets on all TPS reports. Did you the memo about this?
Queen Liz: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ive got the memo right here, but, uh, uh, I just forgot. But, uh, its not shipping out until tomorrow, so theres no problem.
Bill: Yeah. Go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. Uh, Ill go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo Ok.
Thank you for the deed to Buckingham palace, it was worth every cent.
"So let me get this straight; you seduced Steve Jobs; and this is the source code for Tiger? HIGH FIVE YOUR HIGHNESS!"
You're kidding, right? Before someone calls me 'Sir' I have to present this certificate of authenticity?
bill: Of course I have experience in tourmenting a large amount of subjects. Why do you ask Queenie?
"This is all I get, a friggin' medal?"
"So, now will you fix those security wholes, so my kinkyqueencam.com site won't get hacked into again?"
"so this is what paper looks like! Wow what an invention."
Evidently all new knights are being given day planners to help keep track of all those wild knight events. Is the Queen's birthday already marked in the calendar? You bet your honor guard it is.
"What does it say here... made with a Mac???"
I couldn't resist making it a VISUAL caption.
Check out the modified pic at: http://blog.verbosecoma.com/archives/000946.php
"Yes, everything seems to be in order... you have five more years, then your soul is mine!"
Bill: So according to this document, you'll let me become a Knight if I make the Bald Guy from Benny Hill avaiable as a MS Plus! Dancer download?
Queen: Yes, He was my first true love, but if he's not do able, I'll settle for that MC Hammer chap.
Queen: "It was either this or go to Chuck and Camilla's wedding...that little whore!"
Queen whispers to Bill " So is it true about why you chose to call it "micro-soft"?
"Here's a brochure on MS-Country 2005. It gives you a small island with lousy weather and former colonies scattered throughout the world, and the ability to name anyone of your choice as a knight. Oh, and it'll come free with Windows XP starting, um, 3rd quarter of this year... Yeah that's it... What do you think of that Queeny? No more competition from YOU! Bwahahah!"
Sorry about all the typos on your certificate Mr. Gates. We'll release several patches over the next couple months to fix most of those.
Queen whispers to Bill " So is it true about why you chose to call it "micro-soft"?
Melissa answers ( if that is her in the pic) " Oh its true alright"
"Um, yes you do have a good figure, but you know clothes do leave something to the imagination..."
Bill: "So since you're not running a legit version of windows; heres your court papers"
(hince why the queen looks sad)
OR
Bill: "Hey, you used the official knighting template that came with Microsoft Word! OH YOU!"
OR
Bill: "Ok, so your resume looks good. I just don't think we're going to be in any need or another world leader for the time being. We'll call you if we change our mind."
Yep this is the latest pda, comes with a full year of replaceable appointment pages, now where's my biro?
"Mr. Gates, these are my son's balls. He never really got the hang of them."
You've been PUNK'D & it didn't take that half wit talent Kutcher kid either. I knew the "Knighthood" would get you here so we could serve you with the subpoena. Yup, we're jumping on the bandwagon and sueing the bloody hell out of you and your little Microsoft too.
QEII: Umm...Bill i want to return this copy of windows xp before knighting you. The software keeps on crashing.
Gates[thinking to himself]: muhaha...another sucker yet more money made and more publicity...what i need for the next xbox and longhorn....
"It looks like you are trying to accept a knighhood!
-format my knighthood
-convert to MS knighthood 2003 format
-email kighthood to Steve Jobs
"What do you mean if I open it, I can't return it?"
"We're sorry. You your knighthood has already been activated. Your knighthood will operate in reduced functionality mode until you call Microsoft."
"Think different my ass"
Bill Gates, you are NOT the father!!